it’s the first time I’m going to talk to strangers about how I feel and that scares me. But my friends are not helping and I’ve never really had a family… so I have no other choice. I hope it’ll help me… no that’s a lie, I’ve stopped hoping a while ago.
Anyway, since I was 10, seven years ago,Â my life started to get worse and worse, and since then, my life was a spiraling descent into the dark. My elder sister started to do anything to get all my family’s attention and she got it. Thet stopped taking care of me. I had to handle myself onÂ my own, and whenÂ you’re ten, it’s not that easy…Â I lost my friends one by one, so a couple years ago, I stopped opening up and giving my heart to anyone. That just wasn’t me,Â I need to have people around me, but everytime I did they broke my heart… all of them.
3 last times I gave my heart were the worst, and each time I tried to kill myself, butÂ just like with everything else, I failed. One of the three, the one I considered my little sister killed herself, and I couldn’t save her, the others were two of my boyfriends, one simply left far away without saying goodbye, and the other cheated on me with everyone he could find.Â The last one, who cheated on me, thatÂ was 2 months ago.
That’s how I can sum up my life: every time I find the strenght to open up again, trust again and eventually love again, they crush me. I don’t see the point of living anymore. I haven’t for years, but it keeps getting worse. All I wish for is the peace that death brings…
I feel like every single second of my life is a struggle. A struggle to keep breathing, to keep living. And I have no strenght left,Â I just want to rest. The times when I was more at peace were the ones when I felt the life slipping away, like everything would finally be all right… but eventually, I woke up and it was even worse…
I just can’t do this anymore, I’ve tried so hard and I’m exhausted. Exhausted of fighting with myself to find the strenght to live.Â Why can’t I just rest?