Hello,
it’s the first time I’m going to talk to strangers about how I feel and that scares me. But my friends are not helping and I’ve never really had a family… so I have no other choice. I hope it’ll help me… no that’s a lie, I’ve stopped hoping a while ago.
Anyway, since I was 10, seven years ago, my life started to get worse and worse, and since then, my life was a spiraling descent into the dark. My elder sister started to do anything to get all my family’s attention and she got it. Thet stopped taking care of me. I had to handle myself on my own, and when you’re ten, it’s not that easy… I lost my friends one by one, so a couple years ago, I stopped opening up and giving my heart to anyone. That just wasn’t me, I need to have people around me, but everytime I did they broke my heart… all of them.
3 last times I gave my heart were the worst, and each time I tried to kill myself, but just like with everything else, I failed. One of the three, the one I considered my little sister killed herself, and I couldn’t save her, the others were two of my boyfriends, one simply left far away without saying goodbye, and the other cheated on me with everyone he could find. The last one, who cheated on me, that was 2 months ago.
That’s how I can sum up my life: every time I find the strenght to open up again, trust again and eventually love again, they crush me. I don’t see the point of living anymore. I haven’t for years, but it keeps getting worse. All I wish for is the peace that death brings…
I feel like every single second of my life is a struggle. A struggle to keep breathing, to keep living. And I have no strenght left, I just want to rest. The times when I was more at peace were the ones when I felt the life slipping away, like everything would finally be all right… but eventually, I woke up and it was even worse…
I just can’t do this anymore, I’ve tried so hard and I’m exhausted. Exhausted of fighting with myself to find the strenght to live. Why can’t I just rest?
6 comments
Hey Claire, My name is Rick. I know what your going through. I used to think positive about everything and have a good outlook on life in general. Recently I tried to help someone in my life and I lost my job over it. I was doing something good and got in trouble over it. Really makes you look at life a little different. Don,t give up. I,m not going to.
Hello Claire,
Don’t give up hope in life.That is the gas to our body.And first of all tell me one thing have you done any mistake?What I want to tell is this:your sister killed herself.That is very difficult to bare.I agree with you.but you already suffered by her death.so why are you thinking to make that mistake again.If you do like your sister it means you are going to make mistake and you are going to make your family members to worry and they will also depress like you.so why should you do that mistake?
you didn’t cheat your boy friends.They cheated you.It means that it is their mistake not yours.so why are you thinking to kill yourself because of their mistake.
Just remember one thing you didn’t do any mistake.Then why worry.Be happy.Internally you are right.That’s what you need.don’t think about your friends who didn’t support you.it is their fault not yours.
We are living for ourselves not for others.
Don’t think about others who are worthless.
Just remember that Gd gave us this life to live not to die.He brought you here for some reason.Try to find out that.
Don’t worry.Everything will be fine.
Keep going with fresh thoughts.
Don’t expect anything from others.Just try to be good always towards others.Then God will help you.What you need other than that in your life.
Just do good be good think good.That’s enough.You’ll be happy and you will get zeal to live.It’s my promise.Everything will be alright.
Just keep going without any negative thoughts.Try to do always good things and you’ll be happy.Even though if you had done any mistakes don’t worry God will excuse you always.We are human beings so we do mistakes just try not to do those again.Cheer up 🙂
With my sister, i wasn’t able to save her that was my mistake… We always said we’d help each other through life and we did, until that day.
But thanks both of you for replying, i used to be very positive too, cheering others up and always happy… Wish i could go back to that time…
I can relate although as far as my friends and family (for the most part) are concerned I’m still that way. I never want anyone to ever feel the way I do. I don’t want them to have the problems I have and that’s the only thing I do now. Try and prevent others unhappiness. It seems to work for them, so let me tell you this. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. When someone close to you commits suicide it is hard not to blame yourself for at least not saving them, as you seem to know. But from personal experience let me tell you this. You could not have saved her. You could not have talked her out of it. You could not have been there or done something to make it turn out “right” And don’t try to tell me otherwise. Two family members and five friends of mine have died in the last seven years I am only 18 myself. I was actually present at the car accident that killed the only person who ever was a father figure to me. There is nothing worse. Did I blame myself? Hell yeah. In reality was there anyway to have stopped it? No. A close friend of mine also two years younger than me threw herself off a building severing her spinal column. It did not kill her instantly either. Did I know she was depressed? No, there were signs but I’m not god. I couldn’t have known. You are also not God. Still I blamed myself. And you know the good it does? Not a damn thing. The other thing I want to say to you not because you said this but because it needs said to everyone and it seems you need it now, is this:
I do not know you, but I would like to.
I have not seen your smile, but I know that it would be beautiful.
You are not useless
You are not a mistake
And you may be the only person who from your experiences with sorrow who can talk someone I love from leaving too soon.
So please, if only for my sake, even though I am a stranger, don’t end it.
Claire,
Please guard your hope and strength. I am feeling many of those same things–my experiences are different, but I know I am wary of life and of love too. I am dealing with my own grief from opening my heart up to someone–I was with her for nearly two years. I swore she was “the one”, but I was, in her words, “not it for her”. The feeling of grief I have from that loss is very difficult to deal with. I have other problems too–I went profoundly deaf in my right ear 6 years ago due to a virus, and since then I’ve had non stop ringing in it as well. I haven’t had a modicum of true silence since then. Those are just two of my “grievances” against life, but even in the darkest days, I must still believe in it.
I’ve had my fair share of loss and the ensuing suffering. I have thought and felt similar things as you–that opening up my heart is only going to lead me to hurt, that my life is likely going to get worse before it gets any better, and that perhaps escaping is the best solution. Life is tough, I will agree with you on that. Love is very tough, complicated, messy, and risky.
I am still holding on though, and I hope you will hold on with me. I still have hope. I do believe my life, and your life, has meaning. It’s not easy, but I carry myself with dignity and believe in a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don’t give up. Keep talking to people, even if you do not know them, keep reaching out for help. As it is said, “Knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you shall find.”
Take a look at the solutions to help your depression too: exercise and eat right–perhaps check out medication or therapy. Change some of things you are doing with your life–volunteer or take up a new hobby.
Life and love will always be painful, but there are things you can do to make it better, and find meaning in it despite that pain. There are positives to be found, happiness and love for you to experience. I don’t even know you, but I believe you can do it Claire. 🙂
I hope I was able to help somehow. Take care of yourself, keep fighting. and know that people are out there, worried about you and rooting for you.
–P
Thank you it helps, a little but that’s already a lot for me. I keep trying to be strong and face minute after minute and it’s so hard… But for now i do it and it’s partly thanks to you, you help me stay strong… Or well as strong as i can be… Thanks, really, it means a lot