February 2nd, 2010by happy

I just was looking through some of my old stuff and it reminded me of my past. It is said “One reason God created time was so that there would be a place to bury the failures of the past.” I never really got that saying until recently. My depression began in seventh grade back when I thought that I new pain. Depression hit and everything seemed like it didnt matter. I guess I felt the normal feelings of depression; lack of interest in hobbies, constantly spending time in my room, and being irritable to everyone. The truth is since I was a young boy up until even now i sought approval from everyone; teachers, coaches, friends, family. I was kind of an average person and i wished I could be somebody, that made a difference, someone you would read about in a history textbook. When I hit sixth grade these dreams came crashing down, and i sunk into a quick depression. All I ever wanted to do was sleep because this was the only way I knew how to make the pain go away. For anyone reading this you probably know the pain I am talking about. No one knew about my depression, only my best friend. He told my parents. I was so angry; I was crying and throwing things I couldnt control myself. Enraged I tried to choke myself to death and was taken to a hospital humiliated. I wish I could say that was my low point. Two months later I was playing videogames with my friends and after they repeatedly joked about my condition I got a knife from my kitchen and attempted to cut myself but the knife was forced from my hand by my father. I was forced to go to psychiatric care by my parents. I felt like I was living a double life trying to smile and be the nice little jock middle schooler and at the same time being depressed. It was tough as most people know. I hit rock bottom when I attempted to kill myself in school with a plastic knife. One kid especially thought it was hilarious. He continued to make fun of me for the next two weeks until eventually I punched him in the face, breaking his nose. This felt so good, it felt like my first real success in so long. I ended up transferring middle schools, and i found it much easier at my new school. My depression subsided, but I knew it was still there because i have a serious anxiety disorder. I was having the time of my life in my new high school and I met an amazing girl. She was perfect she was pretty, smart, kind and funny. I talked on the phone with her for about an hour and a half a night, and I knew I was in love. She was all I could think about she was perfect in every way. When we kissed it was the most perfect moment in my entire life, nothing could possibly match it. I loved her with a passion that no one could understand unless they were in love. I don’t remeber why, but she got pissed at me, and she called me a stalker. Gradually this became a local nickname and people called me it all the time.  One day as I was about to kill myself deciding I couldn’t live without this girl my friend busted through the door, and saved my life.  I began to live and am happy to see I have not been depressed for over a year!!!!!!!!!!!  If any of you are having problems with self worth this quote helped me “I think therefore I am”  This quote helped me because it points out that everyone is special every human can think.  I hope all of you can be as happy and make the right choice like I did so you can be happy like I am!!  Thanks for reading

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