i decided to go out last night..
everytime i decide to go out with the lads , i realize what kind of a pathetic excuse i am for a man ..
Im the guy who hugs the wall the entire night u kno? Im too fucking nervous to talk to anyone ,Â to girls especially.. im the fella that is not looking for one nite stands , im the kind of guy that wants true love , that wants some1 to hold , and to be held, someone to protect..Â i envy all of you people who write that my boyfriend or girlfriend is always there for me but i still feel empty… the thought of having someone for the first time in my life would be a dream … ofcourse there is very very very little chance if none at all for me to find her in the coming years ..
anyway , i left the club at around 1 oclock like i always do , tired of huggin the wall and getting weird looks..Â i got home, put on ‘whisky lullaby’ , i love that song .. sat down and thought id punish myself for being a poor fuckin excuse for a man , i slit my right wrist, blood started gushin out and i got fuken scared .. ran down the stairs got a towel and tried to stop the bleedin. i started feeling dizzy but thats about it , i didnt pass out and i stopped bleedin preety quickly .. cleaned the blood stains of the floors in the house , wraped up hand and went to bed…
waking up this morning , i was feeling very weak..depressed and frightened .. this was my very first attempt at hurting myself after almost 2 years of being seriously depressed.. i wonder if i was actually meant to be happy ? valentines day is here again , my least favourite holiday, if i can even call it a holiday… sitting at home , alone as always , sulking and feeling sorry for myself..
fuck that , i dont see my life improving anytime soon , im going off to college next year , and i have a feeling ill just be worse off … i might just go outÂ this valentines day … put on whisky lullaby , and just do it hi.. fuck being alone for the rest of my lifeÂ , fuck feeling sorry for myself, feeling pathetic .. fuck it all