i decided to go out last night..
everytime i decide to go out with the lads , i realize what kind of a pathetic excuse i am for a man ..
Im the guy who hugs the wall the entire night u kno? Im too fucking nervous to talk to anyone , to girls especially.. im the fella that is not looking for one nite stands , im the kind of guy that wants true love , that wants some1 to hold , and to be held, someone to protect.. i envy all of you people who write that my boyfriend or girlfriend is always there for me but i still feel empty… the thought of having someone for the first time in my life would be a dream … ofcourse there is very very very little chance if none at all for me to find her in the coming years ..
anyway , i left the club at around 1 oclock like i always do , tired of huggin the wall and getting weird looks.. i got home, put on ‘whisky lullaby’ , i love that song .. sat down and thought id punish myself for being a poor fuckin excuse for a man , i slit my right wrist, blood started gushin out and i got fuken scared .. ran down the stairs got a towel and tried to stop the bleedin. i started feeling dizzy but thats about it , i didnt pass out and i stopped bleedin preety quickly .. cleaned the blood stains of the floors in the house , wraped up hand and went to bed…
waking up this morning , i was feeling very weak..depressed and frightened .. this was my very first attempt at hurting myself after almost 2 years of being seriously depressed.. i wonder if i was actually meant to be happy ? valentines day is here again , my least favourite holiday, if i can even call it a holiday… sitting at home , alone as always , sulking and feeling sorry for myself..
fuck that , i dont see my life improving anytime soon , im going off to college next year , and i have a feeling ill just be worse off … i might just go out this valentines day … put on whisky lullaby , and just do it hi.. fuck being alone for the rest of my life , fuck feeling sorry for myself, feeling pathetic .. fuck it all
2 comments
in case u didn’t know your not alone…i cant even leave my house because im paranoid i hate the way i look im disgusting so i wont even go out…of course im single i’ve been single for over 2 years and i just wanna end my life every second but what i need to end my life i dont have but am trying to get but all in all i understand and im here and i would love to hear from you…maybe even talk on valentines day or something cause im alone 2
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
First off, you are not alone. I am also alone this Valentine’s Day. Actually, my friends and I are going to sit and wallow in self-pity because we are all alone. True love is hard to find and from my own personal experiences, and my friends’, chances of you finding true love at a club or bar or wherever will probably not happen. So if you want to lean against the wall, go right ahead. You talked about going off to college. Now there is a good opportunity to meet people (especially girls) and try to have a relationship. I am in college right now, and I have met tons of people. I’m not saying that you are going to be surrounded by people 24/7, and it’ll be one big party. No, that’s unrealistic. I’m just saying that being in that environment will be a big help. Oh, and don’t be nervous 🙂 Girls are just as nervous when a guy walks up to them as the guy is nervous TO walk up to them. What do you have to lose? If anything, you may gain a good friend. And who knows, maybe that good friend will have a friend who is a match for you. We all fear rejection but you have to just keep telling yourself “who cares”. The worst thing a girl can say is “no”, and you just move on to another, and keep on trying. You will find love. I promise you. There is someone for you out there. It just takes some time. If you can be patient, which love is supposed to be patient, then you will find your dream partner. But don’t be afraid. You will be okay. Your life will improve. Things always get worse before they get better – that’s how life goes. I hope I helped.