Over the past couple months, it seems I just can’t go one day without thinking about ending it. I suppose there’s some hope in the fact that I want it to be quick. Most methods leave too much of a margin for just fucking my life over even worse. I can’t think of an impaired life. For example, if I hang myself and only succeed in depriving my brain long enough to retard myself. Wouldn’t that beat all?
Its not as if I feel like this all the time. I can be happy. But it always comes back to something that just makes me say “Hey. Why don’t you just kill yourself?” In fact, when I do think seriously about killing myself, its in an uninvolved and detached way. I just don’t care. I’m picking up some philosophies like existentialism and solipsism, and on one hand wanting so, so badly to deny their relevance… But on the other wanting to work on accepting them. Either way, I’m sure I’ll always waffle between the two. But if its all true, then it doesn’t matter if I live or die. If nothing outside of me exists, then I wont be leaving behind the things that have kept me alive: My sister and family, friends, (though they’re not especially close, I’m sure my death would have an impact. That is, if they do indeed exist. Besides, I’m pretty sure none of them care for me in a particularly loyal fashion.) and all the things I’ve always so desperately wanted to do. But honestly, I most likely wont ever accomplish those things. They involve travel, education, and a direction that I haven’t even determined yet. All of these require money that I’ll never have.
Speaking of things that will never happen- Love. I’m a romantic. I really am. I want things to be as idyllic as my brain can come up with. I want a blonde, silent, intellectual, gentleman to give me a chance to love. But anyone thats shown an interest in me has been the polar opposite. I’m cripplingly shy. I’ve accepted that love, even if it is a valid abstract happening, isn’t for me. I’ve always thought there was a kind of romance in Nuns. Too bad I’m not remotely Catholic. Also, this isn’t something I’ve decided because of the season. I didn’t even realize it was almost Valentine’s until I saw a previous post.
However, I occasionally wonder if the time of year has any baring on my emotions. Every winter I feel the same depression. This year is the worst I’ve ever contemplated death. I don’t like feeling this way. I wish the sun would rotate with the earth’s axis.
I’ve forgotten why I’m posting this. I guess I just don’t think I have any particular thing tying me to living. What I do have, is a curiosity for death. Has anyone ever watched Waking Life? You should. You really should. I want to know what its like to be dead, but experience up to 10 minutes of brain activity. The possibilities are infinite. If I wasn’t so afraid of there being a big sacrifice for nothing, I would pursue that frontier.
I don’t think there is a possibility of someone talking me out of this perpetual mood. I just wanted to post something. Why not? Do you exist? Does it matter? Do I matter?
I can’t even bring myself to care.
Haha. I just did the ‘preview’ option. That link- “Let God help you” Why in the world would I have to ask, if I was worth saving? /cynicism