Why can’t I snap out of this? I’ve never had any real obstacles in my life except for myself. Without going into specifics: I’m young, I’m educated (finishing grad school), supportive family, etc. I guess when it comes down to it, I just really hate myself. I hate the way I look (most of the time–there are days, few and far between, that I feel happy for no reason, just so hopeful, and on those days I might think I look okay until the next day and then I won’t). I spend the day dreading everything: running into people I know, going to classes, teaching the class I teach, doing work (I’m finishing a fine arts masters degree, and having to spend so much time alone struggling with an imagination that for two years has seemed more and more common and pathetic leaving me to wonder how I even made it to grad school in the first place and going so far as to think my acceptance was a kind of joke or a mistake). Even as a child I’d wake up nearly every morning with this consuming sense of dread and spend the day with that same dread. As a child! I had even less to worry about than as I do now and still I worried so much I’d make myself sick. Literally sick–up until college I had immune system issues, probably because of the stress I put myself through. I can’t explain it, it’s like the problem is how I see things. I mean my responsibilities, duties, etc. and also literally, how I visually see things, the world. I feel so removed from everything around me. Most days I feel half dead, like I’m not all there. My folks and friends think I’m absentminded, forgetful. I guess it’s true, my head is elsewhere most of the time, but not on good things.
How do you solve it then? Suck it up? Go for a jog? Remind yourself there people out there with problems a million times worse than yours? (It’s true. Look through some of the postings on this site. There are people with problems you can’t even imagine. It doesn’t help me to think about it because I get even more down on myself). Truth is I’m exhausted, and what I really feel like can’t be expressed. All the stress and anxiety I’ve dealt with, that I deal with, stress and anxiety over stupid pointless shit that I nevertheless got stressed out and anxious about. Even though I can recognize the stupid pointless garbage it still drives me apeshit. And it’s just years and years of pointless shit for the rest of my life is how I see it. Maybe I should just do drugs, I dunno. For the past 7 mos. I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot more than normal (doesn’t everyone feel that way sometimes? I think it’s a natural thought, something everyone will have many times in his/her life, it’s just that when you can’t shake it easily or at all that it becomes a problem). It’s just so exhausting. And that it comes from nothing but myself and my head in spite of everything I’ve accomplished makes me feel pathetic and ashamed. If there were a way to just disappear I’d do it because I’d never want anyone to find my body. I don’t want to punish anyone. I’d never want my family or friends to have to see my dead body in a casket or whatever because even though I feel like an impostor all the time I’d never want to punish them for it. There’s just no pleasure in things anymore. There hasn’t been for years now.
4 comments
yes i’m pretty sure that suicide is a normal thought, since this is such an unlovely world. will you please tell me how you feel about God? there is no satisfying pleasure in the world – only things that fill your stomach up until it is hungry again. there is nothing that lasts except for God. please try talking to me, and take care of yourself… helpmesaveus.com/contact
i also think about suicide often, how i would do it, whether i’d actually die in one swoop or would i end up maimed and have to live the rest of my life as an invalid…as if i don’t already feel like an invalid…i’ve been in depression for 35 years…perhaps since before i was even born…i was sexually abused multiple times, neglected and abused by my mother, my father is absent from my life. i also wonder if it’s normal to want to commit suicide…i struggled with that for years…thought there was something wrong with me…now it just seems so clear that suicide is probably one of the most logical thoughts that could arise from my experiences…why would i want to live with the anxiety, depression, ocd, feeling attacked, alone, and suicidal for the rest of my life?
i’ve tried the anti-depressants, but they were a temporary solution for me-just made me think i was addressing something, but really just made me continue to ignore how the things that happened in my life affected me…i’ve tried working out, yoga, mindfulness…and they help temporarily…but the suicidal thoughts, the hopelessness, and depression still persist
And again with god, just shut up for a minute about the virgin mary noone is intersted in this bible crap.
Hey, I read your outpour. I had an ‘episode’ 2 and a half years ago, I never went on meds unless you count cocaine, lol, am quite young too, though the way I lived my life I could be 50 (ran away from home at age 18 to a different continet so I learned to take care of myself). I wont get into what I have been through, I have gone over it so many times it feels im telling someone elses story now, a crappy stupid ridiculous story, but still.. I want you to (no not join the army, although if you do the ned redult might be potencially the same)know that feeling like how you are feeling is the worst because you dont have any ‘real’ traumas or stories to tell to ‘impress’. First time I tried to end it I was in your shoes, the second time I had a little more of an interesting background, but still… you didnt mention your sexual orientation, bbut that doesnt really affect anything – go get a gf/ bf. I know, easier said than done, but if you managed to pull it off, that can be a life savor. Worst thing is when you are alone, The first time I tried to kill myself was when a guy dumped me. And the mental terror I went through I wouldnt wish to my worst enemy. It sound really cliche and I guess it is but still the horror of what I went through … well lets just say it shifted my perspective somewhat. Anyway thats my person business and I refuse to share further about that. You mentioned drugs. I dont want to be an instigator or a bad influence, but yeah, drugs can help (they probably wont let me even post this). But DONT do weed, that makes everything worse, been there done that. Do cocaine, Extasy or good old hammered on booze. Smoking worked too, although thats not really a hallucinatory thing, but for some reason it also helped. And above all, you need sex. With whoever. Again this sounds like Im a screwed anarchist, and I just might be, but we are trying to help each other on here right? Sex puts you in a good mood (unless you dont you know… then you may get even more depressed so if you have erectile disfunction then dont go there….) but if your all good, find some babe and just give her a good fuck. I know Im crude, but lets just speak plain. Shell be happy youll be happy and in the entire scheme of dealing with her PMS and her torture over which hair color would suit her best and her stupid stories of her bitchy friends, youll forget about killing yourself, I mean she may drive you to it, but hopefullly not literally:)
Did that help babe? BTW if you ain fit, then go do something about it. I am not naturally slim but I take care of myself, I even did modelling for a year and a half. When I wake up I dont exactly look glorious no one does, but once I clean and come and glob and pluck, I look damn hot. Dont pluck your eyebrows but hit the gym, get a haircut, buy a new pair of jeans, and as narcissistic as thiss sounds, you might just score. Looking bettter will make you feel better and thats what its all about ain it?:) Youll be fine, you better:P)
hey,
im going through something very, very similar to you…hit me up at jeremybw1@gmail.com if you wanna share stories