February 14th, 2010 by aintnosmithy

Why can’t I snap out of this? I’ve never had any real obstacles in my life except for myself. Without going into specifics: I’m young, I’m educated (finishing grad school), supportive family, etc. I guess when it comes down to it, I just really hate myself. I hate the way I look (most of the time–there are days, few and far between, that I feel happy for no reason, just so hopeful, and on those days I might think I look okay until the next day and then I won’t). I spend the day dreading everything: running into people I know, going to classes, teaching the class I teach, doing work (I’m finishing a fine arts masters degree, and having to spend so much time alone struggling with an imagination that for two years has seemed more and more common and pathetic leaving me to wonder how I even made it to grad school in the first place and going so far as to think my acceptance was a kind of joke or a mistake). Even as a child I’d wake up nearly every morning with this consuming sense of dread and spend the day with that same dread. As a child! I had even less to worry about than as I do now and still I worried so much I’d make myself sick. Literally sick–up until college I had immune system issues, probably because of the stress I put myself through. I can’t explain it, it’s like the problem is how I see things. I mean my responsibilities, duties, etc. and also literally, how I visually see things, the world. I feel so removed from everything around me. Most days I feel half dead, like I’m not all there. My folks and friends think I’m absentminded, forgetful. I guess it’s true, my head is elsewhere most of the time, but not on good things.
How do you solve it then? Suck it up? Go for a jog? Remind yourself there people out there with problems a million times worse than yours? (It’s true. Look through some of the postings on this site. There are people with problems you can’t even imagine. It doesn’t help me to think about it because I get even more down on myself). Truth is I’m exhausted, and what I really feel like can’t be expressed. All the stress and anxiety I’ve dealt with, that I deal with, stress and anxiety over stupid pointless shit that I nevertheless got stressed out and anxious about. Even though I can recognize the stupid pointless garbage it still drives me apeshit. And it’s just years and years of pointless shit for the rest of my life is how I see it. Maybe I should just do drugs, I dunno. For the past 7 mos. I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot more than normal (doesn’t everyone feel that way sometimes? I think it’s a natural thought, something everyone will have many times in his/her life, it’s just that when you can’t shake it easily or at all that it becomes a problem). It’s just so exhausting. And that it comes from nothing but myself and my head in spite of everything I’ve accomplished makes me feel pathetic and ashamed. If there were a way to just disappear I’d do it because I’d never want anyone to find my body. I don’t want to punish anyone. I’d never want my family or friends to have to see my dead body in a casket or whatever because even though I feel like an impostor all the time I’d never want to punish them for it. There’s just no pleasure in things anymore. There hasn’t been for years now.

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