When I was a little girl, neighbourhood bullies made me bury a tiny baby bird alive. I had no choice or they would beat me. I wear the guilt in my heart every day.
I’m 15 years old. I turn 16 on the 19th June. But you know something? I don’t think I’m going to get there anymore. I don’t really care, either. Another birthday marks another year of being in constant pain. It’s not teenage drama, Â it’s not because of the boy I like rejecting me or my parents grounding me, or anything like that, that’s just silly delusions for people that haven’t seen the dark side of the moon yet. Â Look at life like the moon. The moon is bright, and beautiful…but for some of us, it’s dark. Blinding. Ugly, painful.
I guess in a way, I could look at myself like that. When I was younger people called me ugly. Ugly geeky anorexic girl. I never did anything to them, but I was just so easy to target. Now…well. It sounds so big headed, but now I have guys, and some girls, at my feet.
But I don’t want them. I want them to get away from me.
I don’t know if anyone really knows what it’s like to be seen as just the pretty face. No one really cares about you. No one understands when you’re upset or heartbroken, and no one understands if you slit your wrists. Because you’re pretty, how can you not be happy when you’re so pretty? How can you be sad with so many falling for you? How can you hate yourself when you’re so thin and have such doe eyes and all that other shit I’ve heard so many god damn times. I would give up everything, everything in the world, my looks, my body, anything I had that anyone wanted, Â for someone to understand. For someone to just…know.
But there will never be anyone like that.
Where I am, it’s 12:28 am. For the last 36 hours I have been thinking long and hard about another suicide attempt.
Another? There have been two. When I was 14, I overdosed on a large amount of various painkillers. I fell to unconsciousness, and woke up bleary eyed with a serious stomach pain 16 hours later. No one in the house had noticed. That doesn’t surprise me. I don’t even get a goodnight from my mum.  I could have been dead and they wouldn’t have noticed.  About a month later, I gave up on painkiller suicides, and tried to hang myself from a bar in my wardrobe. It could have worked. I tied a belt around the bar as tight as I could get it, the loop around my neck. I lay there for about 3 minutes with it getting tighter and tighter, and cutting into my neck. I couldn’t breathe, and my vision started to blur before it  began to fade to black. I thought I was going. I thought this was it, the end, the end of everything at last. I’d finally got away from everything. But then..
there was a loud cracking sound. My head hit the bottom of the wardrobe. the bar had broken. I spluttered, my body trying to get oxygen back. My heart pounded in my chest. My lungs were screaming and the belt had cut my neck until it left permanent marks. All I remember thinking was “I failed. I failed again.”
I know a way I wouldn’t fail. Near me, in Andover, there is a multi story car park. I could jump. I could jump from the fourth floor. The highest there is. I could fall through the air and then bang, and I’m gone. Hell, the only thing i’m worried about is the people that have to clean it up afterwards.
As I type this i’m talking about my plan with a ‘friend’. Another guy that used me for my body really. He’s saying the same thing anyone else did. “Don’t kill yourself, suicide is weak, suicide is  the easy way out, you have so much to live for, theres so much you haven’t seen.”
Well Tom. I’m weak. I want the easy way out. I don’t have anything to live for. And I don’t want to see any more.
4 comments
I really hope you didn’t go through with your plan. As I read your story, I found that I could really relate to you. Even though I’m going through a difficult time myself, I know that there are people who care. Some you may even have not met yet. There are people who understand. Please take the time to talk to someone.
I have a cousin who is beautiful. She’s in beauty pageants, made straight A’s in school, popular, and everyone liked her. She has a lot going for her…except that she hates her life. She takes painkillers constantly to try to hide the pain she feels. She has become severely addicted and is losing everything around her. You remind me of my cousin minus the drug addiction. You’re right. I don’t understand how someone so beautiful can be so fucked up, and that’s probably what people think about you (no offense). But my cousin understands. You said you wanted someone “to just…know”. Well, she “knows”. You are not alone. You are not the only one that feels the way you do. Having someone to relate to may not make you feel better, or it may. I don’t know. Why do we, as humans, feel what we do? No one knows. But as long as we don’t have to feel that way alone…then I think we are okay. I’m not on here to post links and stuff like that, but here’s a video that shows we are not alone. It’s by a British youtube vlogger named Myles Dyer. It’s like 12 minutes long. Try watching it and see if it does anything for you. I really hope you decide to live. I know I wouldn’t want my cousin to die. Anyways, here’s the video link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n44hl9J7xoM
You’re right.. I don’t know what it is like to go through exactly what you are. No one does.. But I’ve been down the road you’re on before, and I am again now. Life just has a way of kicking you while you’re down, and just when you start to believe things might be better and maybe even get your hopes up, reality rears its ugly head and you’re right back where you started.. It seems like that’s all life is, a series of false hopes and let downs. These are things I’m all too familiar with. I wish I had the courage to take my life, to deny god the pleasure of watching me suffer but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to it yet. Lately though I have been thinking.. maybe our own missery and suffering isn’t enough. Maybe to truly understand how evil fate can be, we must look not only at ourselves, but to others.
And so I ask.. would you be willing to let me into your life? Would you allow me a glimpse of the world through your eyes so that I may better understand the true nature of suffering by experiencing it from other points of view? I won’t try talking you out of your decision. As a matter of fact, if it’s support you need, reassurance that you’re making the right decision. I’ll provide it. That is afterall, why you’re here isn’t it? You’re unsure about your choice and seek approval? We can help each other.
rug-1@hotmail.com
Help me understand what you are feeling. I will be here to listen.
Hello.
I, like yourself, have attempted suicide before. I have been told by multiply people that it is “taking the easy way out”. People who say that are dumb. Plain and simple. They have absolutely no idea what kind of wars are going on inside your head right now. They don’t know the kinds of thoughts you are battling. What are you are going through is the exact opposite of easy- you are dealing with the most difficult battle of your life. And I am asking you, no not asking, BEGGING you to please reconsider your plan. If you don’t think you are worth it, than think of your family and friends. If you refuse to stop because you don’t really care, well think about what you would be leaving behind. Friends and family would have to hold a funeral for their FIFTEEN YEAR OLD. I’m not yelling or blaming you. I am merely telling you to consider the ramifications of your decision if not for your sake, than for your family’s.
Please email me- sarahfaulkner@comcast.net
God Bless you.