When I was a little girl my mother was a pill addict and attempted to commit suicide multiple times. I remember finding her in the bathroom with her wrists cut open when I was around 8 and feeling something inside of me die. When I was 9 I attempted to cut my own wrists open with a knife. There was a time when my family functioned but now my mother was in and out of mental hospitals and my father was constantly working and taking care of her. I can remember my first time being in the mental hospital and actually being happy there because people were paying attention to me and listening to me.
As I got older things got worse and worse. I started gaining weight and was picked on mercilessly at school. My mother was so bad that she was getting into car accidents on purpose to get morphine. It reached a point where I tried to slit my wrists on the school bus and was suspended. I was a former honor student. I had friends. I was in the gifted program. But from that moment on I was labeled a psycho and no one even bothered talking to me. I spent most of my early teenage years in mental hospitals from suicide attempts and dealing with eating-disorders, and finally I dropped out of high school at 15. Once I dropped out I completely isolated myself and got pretty used to it.
I’m 23 now and when I was a teenager I was CERTAIN that things would get better when I grew up. But I’m just as miserable and I can’t take it anymore. I still live at home with my grandpa (and my still crazy but clean mother), I have no money, no job, no friends, no boyfriend (every man I go out with is a joke). The only thing I have going for me is community college and it’s depressing in itself. I have no desire to contribute to a consumer based society which I hate and I find myself growing more and more isolated. I have a hormonal disorder called PCOS which has destroyed my body. I have to epilate (mechanically tweeze) every inch of my body because I’m hairy and I have painful scars from the devices I use to remove hair. Even though I’ve found ways to cover this problem up, it has destroyed any semblance of self-esteem that I have. I never feel pretty and I’m pretty sure no one will ever love the real me.
Even though some people have a worse lot in life, I can’t help but feel that I’ve been cheated from the beginning. Whenever I express my feelings to my grandpa he tells me to pray, which doesn’t help because I’m an athiest. I have no faith in the mental health system because I’ve been in and out of it so many times. I have no friends to talk to. I’ve even researched every method of suicide and it seems that most methods are ineffective with the exception of shooting your brains out (and some people even survive that). In fact I don’t even remember how many times I’ve tried to kill myself (it’s been at least 10). Every night that I go to sleep I hope I don’t wake up. Every time I get in a car I hope I get in a fatal accident. I just can’t take it anymore.
5 comments
Your 23 you have so much life to live. Life is hard,and if anyone says different, they would be lying. Everyone has their flaws, You have to love yourself, most people do not look the way they want to , I have battled with my weight my whole life, and lost loved ones, lived in an abusive household, and had many depressing moments, I was tortered in school by stupid kids. But as an adult most adults don’t make fun of you anymore, unless they are completely immature. You are your worst critic, there is somebody out there for everyone, you need to love yourself first before you can let anyone else love you, it sounds like your grandpa cares about you. please remember you are special and beautiful, who cares what other stupid people think, they have their own insecurities, they are just assholes. You will one day see that you are a wonderful person and people do love you, you need to open up and build up your self esteem, then you will see your life will start turning around. I hope nothing but the best for you! Life does eventually get better, you just need to be positive! Family is the most important thing in your life cherish every day with them.
You are so young, you shouldnt be going through this. i have been through this same thing, except mine wasnt with weight, mine was with my skin, i have acme and the way i dressed. i was teased all throughout school, which includes gradeschool and highschool. i was abused by my father from ages 3-12 and it ruined my life. i have had my own suicide attempts. you need to stay positive,write down your feelings in a journal, tlk to someone about it! you are a beautiful person! dont listen to those stupid bitches and assholes! you are an amazing person, those people just dont see it. please keep in touch with your family, you never know when you might loose someone you love:'(
You’ve been through so much, so why give up now? It HAS to stop sometime right? And it will!! It’s unfair for us to go through so much, that too at such a young age. And you need to work towards it! You need to realize that you have survived through all this for a reason. Life is going you so many chances and you need to take advantage of that. I agree with the comments above me. Family is so important! No matter how boring or obnoxious or crazy they are! There is a bond you will find with all your members and you should aim for that with your grandpa and mom. I know how boring community college can be. But if you work towards a prestigious degree, you’ll get an awesome job and will be so proud of yourself! I know community colleges don’t offer much extra curricular activities, but get yourself out there! Join a club. Volunteer at a place that you will like; with children, adults, or seniors. There’s so much! Maybe you can find a part time job to take off your mind. Maybe you can pick up on a hobby that you like. Don’t let all the sorrows around you stop you from becoming whatever you wanna be! Go for your dreams. Email me at i.survived.91@gmail.com if you think it helps talking to me. I can share with you what I went through as well. Take care!
I feel for you and do understand on a certain level the pain you are going through. I am the same age and also have PCOS so i get the kind of shame that comes with that. At the moment i am having one of my bad days but coming here and finding your story it has given me hope that we can get through this. I do believe with enough will power you can get through it.
Several years ago when i was in hospital i found that the thing that got me out of it was having a goal. So my advice is find something you are really passionate about or have always wanted to do and try to make a plan of how to make it happen.
If you ever want to talk feel free to post me.
im here and i care and i understand so write to me!!! i better hear from you!
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com