When I was a little girl my mother was a pillÂ addict and attempted to commit suicide multiple times. I remember finding her in the bathroom with her wrists cut open when I was around 8 and feeling something inside of me die. When I was 9 I attempted to cut my own wrists open with a knife. There was a time when my family functioned but now my mother was in and out of mental hospitals and my father was constantly working and taking care of her. I can remember my first time being in the mental hospital and actually being happy there because people were paying attention to me and listening to me.
As I got older things got worse and worse. I started gaining weight and was picked on mercilessly at school. My mother was so bad that she was getting into car accidents on purpose to get morphine. It reached a point where I tried to slit my wrists on the school bus and was suspended. I was a former honor student. I had friends. I was in the gifted program. But from that moment on I was labeled a psycho and no one even bothered talking to me. I spent most of my early teenage years in mental hospitals from suicide attemptsÂ andÂ dealing with eating-disorders,Â and finallyÂ I droppedÂ out of high school at 15. Once I dropped out I completely isolated myself and got pretty used to it.
I’m 23 now and when I was a teenager I was CERTAIN that things would get better when I grew up. But I’m just as miserable and I can’t take it anymore. I still live at home with my grandpa (and my still crazy but clean mother), I have no money, no job, no friends, no boyfriend (every man I go out with is a joke). The only thing I have going for me is community college and it’s depressing in itself. I have no desire to contribute to a consumer based society which I hate and I find myself growing more and more isolated. I have a hormonal disorder called PCOS which has destroyed my body. I have to epilate (mechanically tweeze) every inch of my body because I’m hairyÂ and I have painful scars from the devices I use to remove hair. Even though I’ve found ways to cover this problem up, it has destroyedÂ any semblance of self-esteem that I have. I never feel pretty and I’m pretty sure no one will ever love the real me.
Even though some people have a worse lot in life, I can’t help but feel that I’ve been cheated from the beginning. Whenever I express my feelings to my grandpa he tells me to pray, which doesn’t help because I’m an athiest. I have no faith in the mental health system because I’ve been in and out of it so many times. I have no friends to talk to. I’ve even researched every method of suicide and it seems that mostÂ methods areÂ ineffective with the exception of shooting your brains out (and some people even survive that). In fact I don’t even remember how many times I’ve tried to kill myself (it’s been at least 10).Â Every night that I go to sleep I hope I don’t wake up. Every time I get in a car I hope I get in a fatal accident. I just can’t take it anymore.