Faking Life

  February 16th, 2010 by demonsinthenite

I work in boots, a chemist. Everyday I smile. Customers comment on my friendliness, collegues like me, but no one knows me really. I am 26, male, alright looking. Got a nice enough family, so why do I sometimes lie awake at night and think of ways to do it.
My job is ok, but I hate it. My family care for me, but I hate them. My situation right now is tough. Living at home since moving back from university, having not many friends… I fear closeness with people because I guess i’m sensitive and get hurt. I hate lies and games, I played them for 4 years at university to prove that I could. I cant say I keep in touch with anyone from my Uni class or feel any better for having a degree, I just feel crap in general. I hate having to go to work. I look forward to my days off and spend them in bed dreading the next time I have to go, and when I do go I feel its all a show. I am a nice person and people like me there, but I dont want to work there but I have no choice. The people there are nice but I just want to die.
I dont know what my problem is. My thoughts are abstract. I choose to eat in drive in food car parks alone sometimes because I cant take my family. I come from a big enough family, but now its just me at home so when we all get together I can’t sit with them in small spaces like round a table. I feel lonely, but hate the place I live in and therefore I hate the people.

I am full of hate and anger. I have been hurt alot in my life, and been told many lies, by family and those I was once close with. Examples would be being told my father is my father and my one and only ex was a con artist in every way (think of the movie ‘catch me if you can’). I don’t trust. I am sceptical and cold, but to meet me you’d think I was warm and loving.  

I think that hanging is the way i’ll do it. I won’t b missed much. I’m just a friendly face that is agreeable and nice. My mum would be sad, she’d blame herself, but i think i’m nearly selfish enough to do it now, its just a matter of time before I snap. Life is hard without somewhere I can put my love and passion. Without a release for it, I will drown.

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