February 21st, 2010 by just_there

I really don’t want to sound like a sob story on here, but I need to say something, and I don’t have anyone I trust enough to say anything to. I won’t say my exact age, but I will say I’m a young teenage girl. My grades are good, and it seems like I have friends to my parents, which to them is all that matters. I feel as though I wear a mask all day long, pretending to be the person my parents want me to be, because whenever I show them the person I want be, they disapprove of it.

It really doesn’t make sense to me. When you’re a kid, your parents tell you to be the person you want to be, and no one should tell you who to be. But now that I actually have an idea of the person I am, they say it’s not acceptable. I’m afraid to let them into any part of my life now, because I never know what they’ss think of it.

At this point, if anybody is reading this, then they are probably thinking “What is with this girl? She’s not suicidal-there’s not enough wrong in her life”. The problem runs deeper than what’s on the outside. Being in junior high, all I’m doing is fading into the background and being ignored by people who I have always considered friends. The clawing pain inside me feels as though it’s swallowing me whole and I can’t get out. No one really cares about me there, and it stings.

My parents. God. They act like I don’t exist because they’re too busy being caught up in their own lives. My dad is never home, because he’s a pilot and when he is home, he is too oblivious because of the jet lag, he can’t/won’t do anything. By the time he is caught up in the time zones and is a functional human being again, he’s off to work again. My mother doesn’t have a job, but what she does when she is home is be on the phone and ignoring me and my older brother (who is nothing more than a bully, taking his anger out on his little sister, me). Most the time, she is gone, and where could she be? I have one guess-the casino. She spends more time at that damn place then she does at home. So no matter where I am, or who I’m with, there is always something more important than me.

Lately, I have found something that takes the pain away for a little while. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the only thing that works. I keep sneaking alcholic beverages (whatever I can find that won’t be missed), and drinking them when I’m home alone. I know that if I even hinted that something was up, everything would get worse than it already is. I have been trying to cut, but I know that if I do, someone will see the scars in the locker room or something, and my mask would fall apart.

All I really want is a way out of this. I know that if I said anything to people around me all they would say was that I wasn’t serious, and that they don’t see anything wrong with my life. I thinks that’s only because they only see one side of my life; the fake one.  We don’t own a gun, and I wouldn’t know how to get my hands on some pills. I think the best way would be to hang myself one m=night whe I’m home alone.

The one thing I’m scared of is what will happen after I do it, or if I try and fail, and someone catches me. My parents will probably blame it on something that isn;t even relevant, like my music, or my “friends”. Most likely, my music. What I listen to is the only reason I haven’t already gone and killed myself.  I don’t know what do and and I feel trapped, and I want a way out.

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