Honestly speaking, I don’t think I will kill myself, but only because I don’t have the guts to do it. I really really wish I was dead though. I just really have to get this stuff out. Many people have it worse than me I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that all I feel is pain. I can’t stop crying and saying “I’m so alone.” I’m 27 and married, with one 2 year old and one daughter on the way. Ever since age 13 I have wanted to kill myself. I have thought about it probably every day. I just have never found my place in this world. I have no identity, no aspirations, nothing. The only calm in the storm has been for the last two years when I started a business with a friend. The business was, and is successful, but then our wives got involved and fought with each other, and now he wants to buy me out. Which is fine. But now I am back to square one. I just wish someone understood me. I wish someone truly loved me. I just wish that my wife even cared. But she doesn’t. She is a good person, but heartless in my opinion. If any of my family or extended family knew I felt like this, they would try and come to my aid, but I know it wouldn’t help and they would just look at me as unstable. I don’t want to seek help. I don’t want meds, or therapists. I actually have a masters degree in social work because at one time I wanted to be a therapist, probably because I was trying to fix myself. Failure. Anyway, I know how it all works. And there is no way to get real help without your family knowing. I really wish that I had never been born. I hate my life and all of the stupid choices I have made. I sometimes think seriously about joining the army and requesting that they put me on the front lines in the hottest area of Afganistan, but that will never happen. That would require too many complications and too many questions. I guess really the only thing holding me back is my son and soon to be daughter. Maybe I’ll wait till they are 18 then just off myself so I don’t screw up their development. Maybe I’ll get lucky and die somehow without causing my family any financial burdens. I am worth so much more dead than I am alive. But then again, anything is more than 0.