How do you deal with the guilt?

I’m so tired from life and all the challenges that I’ve faced throughout my life. Mostly the past two years. So sucks. I could have let myself die when I was diagnosed with Level 4 Melanoma Cancer and an Annurism in my brain. But, no. I couldn’t. Only because of my little boy. I just want to go to sleep and not worry about waking up. I’ve played with the idea of suicide since I can remember. Am I chicken? I am, but only the physical pain that it would cause me. Life’s so unbearable. I have an Ex husband I had to go back to that is bipolar and just makes everything worse. Some days, I’m not just suicidal, but homicidal also. It’s so hard and so depressing. And my Closet Thinking Judgmental Piece of Shit Family just doesn’t get it. They don’t. I’m different than them. I’ve always been shunned, abused physically and mentally, degraded, lied about, stolen from, etc., etc.. I always forgive them, cause that’s the way I fly. And as for God, and I don’t give a shit what any other judgmental piece of shit on here says, there is a God and you might just meet him sooner than you should have, so he can smack you upside your head and tell you, see you Dork, I do exist. So don’t mess with God. Because of him, I haven’t shit on my kids and popped myself. If you don’t believe in God, that’s fine, I’ll respect you. But, you better respect me back. Cause I’m a fighter and I have an anger issue. Judge it. Go for it.