I am so lost…

February 21st, 2010by wesleysgranny

All I ever wanted was family.  I have four sisters and one brother.  Only one sister, and my brother talk to me.  My family sort of forgot I was alive after I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  I have had several failed marriages.  I can really pick them.  Drunks, drug addicts, only I didn’t figure that out for a while.  I don’t drink or do drugs.  My longest marriage lasted 14 years.  We had two kids.  He cheated on me multiple times.  I can’t live with cheating.  My mother wasn’t a good mother in some ways.  She constantly told me, and my siblings, that she “didn’t know what the hell we were born for, she never wanted any of us in the first place”.  That is a direct quote.  She used to beat the hell out of me just because she was having a bad day.  I don’t know if this is right or not, but I believe that because I didn’t have a very good mother, I didn’t know how to be a good mother, and I treated my daughter really bad.  I didn’t pay the attention she was owed.  She didn’t ask to be born.  She won’t let me talk to her about how I feel.  She gets mad and won’t speak to me for months if I try, and I really need to tell her how very sorry I am that I didn’t do right by her.   Now, I live with this MS all alone.  There isn’t a single, solitary soul here for me.  I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.  My son lives 1800 miles away with his wife and my grandchildren.  He doesn’t want me to talk to him, either.  We are close.  We have chit-chat when he calls, and he knows I’d do anything in the world for his children.  I love them with all my heart.  I would sell my soul if they lived closer to me, but he is active duty Army.   Soon, they will be gone to Germany for six years.  I don’t know how I will handle that, either.  How in the name of God do I get passed these feelings?  Everyday, I am miserable.  Everyday, I contemplate suicide.  Help me.  Please, someone help me.

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