I’ve been depressed, with suicidal thoughts, since I was fifteen, when a boyfriend decided it was time for me to lose my virginity and let his parents get me drunk on champagne to facilitate it. I’ve overdosed, jumped from heights, and cut myself, to the point where my shoulders are covered in hypertrophic scars which look like worms burrowing under my skin. I’ve tried church, and only ended up disappointed when in schismed – and the boyriend who got me into it told me ‘Gad says we shouldn’t be together’ but that it was okay for us to keep sleeping together. I’ve coped with mania, with overwork, with abusive exes who never cared for my feelings but whom I loved anyway, and I have prevailed.
Right now, I’m in my third year of uni, and the work is just so, so hard. It’s hard for everyone. However, last year I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. Then, later on, that diagnosis was changed to fibromyalgia, a smiliar condition which means I have chronic neuropathic pain, that is, pain all over my body. Some days it’s worse than others. Now I’ve seen a specialist who tells me, actually, it’s both of those, and neurocardiogenic syncope, a form of low blood pressure which causes me to pass out. I was also diagnosed with polycystic ovaries last year, which was a blow, as I’ve been told with the fibromyalgia, the liklihood of my carrying to term was low- now so’s my chance of concieving.
Every day I take a cocktail of pills designed to make me function. Up to three beta-blockers, for my anxiety and hypotension, up to two painkillers of a surgical strength for the pain, a birth control pill for my PCOS (unecessary for anything else, I’m engaged to another girl), an antibiotic for the acne caused by PCOS, and every night I take a sleeping pill to ensure I get any rest at all.
All of my syndromes are incurable.
Fibromyalgia causes me to forget things, from simple things like when I said I’d take the bins out to things like my girlfriend or my mum’s name. It makes it hard to form cohesive sentences or structure an argument. I can’t proof-read my work, and my typing becomes worse and worse and my hands ache more and more. I pass out in class, because I’m stressed, or because I’m asked a question and put on the spot, but can’t remember anything. I have spent ten minutes out of bed today, in constant pain, close to tears, and am exhausted. My degree is going downhill because I can’t research properly or remember topics. And I love my girlfriend, so, so much, but it’s so hard for her to put up with me. I use a stick for walking, when two years ago I was a cheerleader, and I fall over, and cry easily, and she has to dress me, some days. I feel guilty, like I’m ruining her life.
I just don’t think I can face this. None of my syndromes are terminal, but sometimes, I wish they were. It would be more upsetting for those around me, I know, but I’d be happier. I am less afraid of death than I am of the next sixty years like this, maybe never able to work, in constant pain for the rest of my life. I can’t deal.
Because my disability is invisible, I get told I’m lazy, or faking, and that’s the hardest thing in the world right now. Why would I choose this pain? Why would I choose to use a stick, and fail my degree, and lose my friends because I can’t go to parties? Why would I sacrifice the rest of my life on some kind of whimsical attention scam? I am frequently told to just get over it, but I cant. Everyone else at uni is thinking about their future.
I’m trying hard not to plan on not having one.
1 comment
I know this sounds crazy, but have you tried holistic practicioners and organic foods? I was having symptoms of fibromyalgia, horrible mood swings, I couldn’t focus on anything. All that on top of me trying to recover from a lifetime of severe abuse, I was a mess. I still struggle with depression, but the physical symptoms are gone.
Lots of times, food additives and heavy metal toxicity cause fibromyalgia symptoms. I hope you can give it a shot. Try pure living for a while and see what happens. Also if you get the time, try reading up on the effects of heavy metal toxicity and food additives.
I really hope you can find a solution. School and stress can be overwhelmingly difficult, and people telling you you’re crazy doesn’t help. I know.
As for suicidal thoughts, I don’t know what to say since I have been wanting to kill myself for 13 years. Guilt has stopped me, and the infrequent spells of things actually being okay before the rug is yanked out from under me. Anyway, in me experience, church doesn’t work. God works, certainly, but not “church.” Maybe tyring to make a connection with God outside of organized religion. When I come up for air and get out of my head long enough to make an effort, I know I am making a real and good connection.
Sometimes, going outside to a quiet, natural place and taking a deep breath helps too. I hope it doesn’t sound obnoxious to say that I’ll pray for you. You seem like a really nice person who is overwhelmed and tired of fighting. I hope you are able to find peace and health.