the thought of death has been on my mind lately. as much as i want it to go away it never leaves..since i was a kid… things happened the way it shouldn’t..one you would never imagine your child going through it…since then on..people go in n out of my life..using and taking advantage of me left and right…how can any human being do something like that to someone when you give everything to them..whatever they wanted it was given right then n there…i let go of all those memories and tried to clean my mind as i started this new relationship…she was everything i could ever ask for..we had our ups n downs..and we had other issues corrupting our relationship..i gave everything and anything i could possible can for this person…i told her things no one else knew..i trusted her from the bottom of my heart…i love her to death n care about her more than anything…she has done stuff that made it tough for the relationship but we have been working on it….one thing she doesnt understand is that there is two people in this relationship…wen one of us fucks up u have to think about how the other one feels but not about urself only..well our down times overpowered our ups…and today..everything ended..everything i imagined to have with her in the future..everything i wanted to do with her..all our memories…just washed down the drain…i asked myself.why is it ever since my first relationship..i do everything and anything n love them unconditionally and at the end they just go and break my heart into million pieces..why..why…why…this time its tougher than the others in my past..because it was my first time actually being in love with someone..and wanting to actually have a future with them..maybe i didn’t do enough for her…and the moment i heard the words..all i can think about is death..idk y..i cant hold a grudge against her with watever happens to me..she had nothing to do with my past…and i wish i can tell her without being yelled at or taking against me..(everything i do i get yelled whether its my fault or not) ..but i cant…i tried and it didnt work out well..it might be selfish for me to just go n never come back..but my family wants me to be happy right..what is this is what makes me happy..its not cuz of her that i want to do this..everyone goes through breakups..but everything i have been through since i was a kid..all i can say is i cant do it anymore..i just want to go…and disappear….let those people in my life live in peace and not have to worry about me..my sickness..my depression…anything that has to do with me…im just wasting their time…i dont know what to do anymore…i can’t take how people treat me anymore…you do so much for someone  and are willing to do anything for them n they backfire..i just want to go…and disappear…forever…