I wish I could…

  February 1st, 2010 by digitalcowboy09

I wish I could kill myself.  I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding.  I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.

I am tired of my life.  Am 30 years old.  I’ve lived a lie all my life.  I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men.  I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it.  I am engaged to be married in 2 months.  She is a great woman.  My professional life is a disaster.  I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt.  My father is a big problem and we are tired of him.  I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now.  I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored.  I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall.  I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to move away.  Alone.  I can’t.  I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to.  Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money.  I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over.   I know of the pain I will  cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved.  Truly loved.  The problem is am a failure.  I don’t know.  This secret I carry, my professional problems,  my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.

I have to move out of my apartment in one month.  I don’t know what to do next.  I also know people will know I have to because of the rent.  I can’t pay it anymore.  I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of.  I will move in with my parents.  My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.

Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start.  I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada.  Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad.

Processing your request, Please wait....