I’m not particularly sure why I’m writing this because it’s all so redundant to me but I can’t express myself in any other way at the moment… so prepare yourself or avert your eyes. IÂ parked my car by 30 today and walkedÂ but couldn’t get to the tracks because a creek was in the way and the highway was on the other side. I drove around for two hours just looking for an appropriate place to park. I became bored after so long which is hilariously ironic. Suicide is much like executing someone except the condemned is yourself. Often I am two people . Sometimes I feel like I am an executionerÂ pushing myself off the scaffold and the crowd of jeering, cheerful spectators are also me. Sometimes I feel like a snivelingÂ prisoner who’s being dragged to their death crying, pleading, and begging for mercy. I deserve no sympathy; all my pride is gone. I’ve seen too much destruction to continue functioning properly and so it’s my own duty to put myself to sleep.
I just turned 22. I will not turn 23. I lived in a quiet, suburban hell as a child.Â In my short life I’ve been brutallyÂ raped numerous times, prostituted,Â forced to witness rape numerous times, beaten, tortured, almost murdered, and forced to sexually violate another person. My mother is a pill popper and my father is an alcoholic. I love my brother dearly but he’s also an alcoholic. I smoke ridiculous amounts of weedÂ so IÂ can’t judge.Â Out of all things I value my education and artistic ability the most but now even these qualities do not saitiate my misery. Even through sadistic abuse and emotional neglect I’ve remained somewhat human because of art, music, beautiful writings, and poetry.Â
I witnessed incest accidently recently a few timesÂ at the house I now reside in.Â The victim is 18 and unwilling to stop it from continuing. This killed any remaining motivation in me. Why is it anywhere I go I end up seeing someone hurt? Watching someone be raped is like watching them be murdered.Â If only he would’ve choked me longer I would not be here but that’s the problem with a sadist: they actually know what they’re doing.
I’m in college but I don’t care about it which makes me angry at myself. I’m overdrawn, I’m ugly, and most of all, I’m useless. My life will always be empty no matter what I do. Even though God is a neurotic sadist, I believe he exists. He exists soley to destroy hope and crush will. I am nothing more than a vapid and isolated whore. I’ve been replaced already by someone with a greater value. I am a poorly tended machine and I cannot be fixed.
For those of you that will be cleaning the pulp of blood, meat, and shit off the tracks and undercarriage of the train: I apologize. For those of you that are angry and disgusted by such a hollow, selfish act of unspeakable humiliation: I understand your disgust and contempt for people like me. I hate myself as much as you do, maybe even more. For the few people who I am lucky enough to have care: I love you and I know you love me as much as irreversibly damaged people could. If you love me set me free. If there is nothingness after death I’ll be happy with that. If there’s a Hell than it will be a new kind of pain. I cannot take this deep, gnawingÂ despair anymore. I refuse to keep trying at a game I can’t win. I didn’t create this and I can’t kill it. I can only kill the source of theÂ infection and that is myself.