It never ends

I always cycle through 3 moods. It starts with apathy, my ‘normal’ mood. I don’t feel shitty, I don’t feel great. I’m just existing, nothing else. Then I switch into anger cycle. Everything pisses me off and I feel like butchering everyone who talks to me. It always ends with the depression cycle, which is where I am now. Every time I reach this cycle, it gets worse.  It always hits me like a brick and I feel this is the last time I can tolerate it. I can’t think of a reason I feel this terrible, I just do. I feel like I’m addicted to misery, like I’m not meant to  be happy ever. I feel so isolated from everyone. I befriend people at work or school but the second I quit or finish I never see them again and once again I’m alone. This year for my birthday, no one remembered. When I reminded my closest ‘friends’, they were all too busy. I didn’t want a party, cake or presents; I wanted company.  I spent my birthday smashed out of my mind, alone and punching walls.  Things haven’t gotten much better since then, I’ve slashed my legs up when I can’t stand the misery. I did it again just an hour ago without even realizing it.  I really can’t stand another cycle of this hell. I’m going to get up tomorrow like any normal day, head to the liquor store, buy a couple bottles of my favorite whiskey and guzzle it down at home. Hopefully no one will find me in time.