Just don’t understand

Hi readers,

I’m brandnew here. I’m a 48 years old man and I work as a consultant for chipmakers, and I just do not understand how I came into the situation I’m in now.

Lonlieness and cold hearted people are litterally killing me. I was born in Germany, came to France at the age of 14 with my parents, and lived there for 28 years, was married 14 years, with three daughters with whom I  have no contact since 5 years. In 2002, my father, a rude and intolerant man I really hated, died. My former wife hated my father too, maybe more than I did, and when I wanted to take care of him, she said to me  “it’s him or me”. I wanted to keep my family intact, so I dropped my father, even though he needed my help. When he died, well, I was already divorced, and I really felt bad and guilty for being such a bad son, and I decided that I had to punish myself for this, and decided to return to Germany. Nobody of my family showed up for the funerals, my father and I were on our own. Sounds like a funny punishment, but I had so bad childhood memories of this country (we were always living at the edge of the german society and my father had been to jail there) that for me, it was the greatest punishment I could think of, facing the daemons of the past. So I asked my company to transfer me to our german office, and since then, things have gone terribly wrong.

I’m a warm hearted, helpful and caring person, I just cannot see people suffering, I need to bring help, and I deeply believe in love, empathy, goodness. I’m also aware of the fact that mankind is so unlikely to exist that I deeply believe that we should use this fortune being humans to live as a loving community on our small planet lost somewhere in the universe. That’s what I believe, but Germany is exactely the opposite of this. I feel bad among these dull, selfish, sullen, limited, materialistic, cold, coward and hypocrite  Germans.  Remember that I came back to Germany to punish myself, but I did not think that my plan would work out so well. I lost my job a year ago (I was a tech support in a semiconductor fab) because I was too close to our customers, at least for german standards. I lost my appartment, because a woman I was living with, I loved vey deerly and for whom I left my own appartment, threw me out just like any piece of garbage. So here I am now, living in a small furnished room, totally alone and isolated. Well, I started a small business, work as a consultant to solve complex technical problems at my customers’ sites, doing pretty well and making good money. I work mainly in the USA, and a little bit in Europe. But these experiences I made here in Germany have hurt me so much, these people are monsters of indifference and selfishness, they are the negation of my believes, they make me shiver when I think of them. When you’re just nice with them, they suppose that you want something from them. They accept your services and presents, but give nothing back.

 

There’s no place for me in a society like this, and I rather die than becoming like they are ! I figured out that a 20 yards high bridge should be enough, the free fall is not too long and the speed at impact is sufficient to kill me instantaneously, and it’s kind of clean.  Well, Monday I’m leaving for the USA, will spend a month there, and when I’m back to Germany, I think I will jump. Just can’t stand this lonliness anymore.

Thank’s a lot for reading me.