I have three choices.
1. I tell my therapist how depressed I am and she sends me to a psyche ward. I have a severe phobia of hospitals so there is NO CHANCE that I will do this willingly and on my own. After that I’ll drop out of college, working a dead end job for the rest of my life. My love of art died along with my will to live. Other than art, I have no purpose and no worth.
2. I take all of my prescriptions right now. All of them together would be more than enough to kill a small group of people. I would do this after driving to a secluded spot tonight. Take one last good look at the stars. Where there are no people. Maybe get a slurpee on the way at some gas station. Mmm, meds and cherry freeze.
3. I would go buy a long rope and find the most secluded bridge or cliff in this state. Drive there and hang myself tonight. I would only bring enough cash for the rope, some gas, and an ice cream cone.
Or a combination of the last two. I like the ODing and the ice cream. Might make it take longer but I’m willing to wait for death.
Hell, I’ve waited for twenty years.
For those of you who post about religion, keep it to yourself. I have no interest in reading your sob stories or your delusions. I’m a nihilist not an idiot.
By the way, I will inevitably be back to being suicidal within a month anyway if I do get treatment. It’s in my blood and my brain. I might as well chose suicide now and save myself years of self-loathing.