I feel so subdued, though I can hear my heart’s still beating but I can no longer feel a thing. My mind finally stopped wandering but my soul ceased to feel any kind of desire – everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still. I hardly recognized my own self, the me I know bleeds emotionally to death but now I’m just almost hollow.
The scars engraved on my wrists no longer remind me of my pain. They’re just as insignificant as my futile suicide attempt & as pointless as my life. It feels as though I’m in a buffer zone where everything is so indifferent and it made me feel so vacant. I am the void that will swallow everything about me, anything around me into total nothingness, exactly like what a black hole does.
Everytime I gaze into the mirror, I take a good look at myself, just to ensure that I haven’t vanished, I touch my cheeks, my lips everytime just to corroborate that I am real, that I can still feel physical touch. Last nite, I decided to read my old journals just to revive the pain that has damaged me before. There’s a saying, when you can still feel the pain, you at least know that you’re somehow alive. And so, I did just the same thing. I could feel my tears flowing as soon as I opened my old journal but my heart just felt so numb. What’s wrong with me now?
Am I on my way to full recovery or it’s just another vicious cycle that I have to go thru after yet another full-blown depression? I seriously can’t tell the difference this time when everything is so hazy, when I don’t even know my self…
2 comments
I have some idea of what your going through, after being suicidal for about 5 years I was feeling about the same as it seems you are now, it’s been about 2 years since then and things still aren’t great but it’s better, that haziness isn’t as bad as it used to be. I’m in college right now and, although I don’t know your situation exactly, I know it’s certainly helped me to get away from my parents. At my worst times it helped me to look at metanoia.org, suicide – read this first. I hope this helps you, never forget – it can only get better from here on out and there are others like you.
im here if u need someone i’d love to hear from you!!!
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com