Not one of those happy stories about suicide not being the right decision.

February 2nd, 2010by LonelyUtahGuy

People always say that suicide is a temporary solution to a temporary problem but in some cases people have permanent problems and I am such a case. All my life I have been seen as different and spent time in special education classes and was transferred to a different school because I had problems socializing with others. My life during school has miserable and in high school when most guys were getting dates and I couldn’t because of my differences and I considered suicide. Back then I figured that I shouldn’t commit suicide because things will only get better. I have regretted that choice ever since. Back then I actually had the guts to carry out a suicide but now am too much of a wimp and can only think about the pain my family members will endure. A high school counselor found out about my intents to kill myself and I was sent to a psychiatric hospital for a 2 week evaluation and for a while saw a psychiatrist but it was getting hard for me to see my parents forking over so much money to pay for my care. I eventually told my parents that I am “better” so that they no longer had to pay large sums of money for medications and visits to the psychiatrist. I was still depressed, I just didn’t want my parents paying so much money for my care and already my family had to end plans for a summer trip because they needed money to pay for my hospitalization and I didn’t want to see my family make more sacrifices just because I had a mental illness. About 7 years later I began seeing a psychiatrist again along with a therapist when my depression from being constantly rejected by women and being lonely. This time I was an adult and had money and my own health care to pay for my care. I was diagnosed at the time as having social anxiety and have gone from therapist to therapist and my most recent therapist saw some things about me and now I have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. I feel this therapist has accomplished more in our time together than any other therapist or psychiatrist I have seen. I have always wanted to have friends but it was hard for me to socialize. In a way I was relieved of the diagnosis with Asperger’s since Social Anxiety just didn’t seem to be my problem. Unfortunately Asperger’s Syndrome is a form of Autism and there isn’t a cure and the treatment for it is the same as I have had for social anxiety so my non-responsive treatment for social anxiety means there is nothing that can help me. Also there is a very high chance that I will never enjoy being loved by a woman so my fear of being alone for the rest of my life (which is why I considered suicide back in high school) is now reality. I cannot deal with spending a life without someone and being lonely. I have always been told that there is someone for everyone but that is the biggest bunch of BS out there. With my Aspberger’s and being only 5’1″ tall, I can officially declare my chances of even finding a woman (especially at 39 years old) impossible. I conclude that suicide was the right decision back then and really wish I had the guts back then to carry it out because I don’t right now. I simply cannot live a solitary life and need the love that only a woman can give me but I cannot be loved by a woman. My life is a living death sentence. I should have carried out my suicide plan back in high school and I regret making the choice not to carry it out!

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