Not so bad..

  February 16th, 2010 by Caty

Hello. I’m only 14 years old and i know many of you whom may read this probably already had the thought, “why would she think about suicide? She couldn’t have possibly gone through anything in just 14 years.” You are right. Although i am 14 i haven’t gone through much. For the past few years i have been horribly over wieght. I’d get the usual pick on routine and names at school. “Fat ass. Lard ass. Ms. Pumpkin. Etc…” And as any normal human being i felt hurt and broken and completely cheated. Why would God give them everything? and leave me with all of the shit?.. Because of my wieght..it led me to online chatting websites. I’d pretend to be some other girl and get guys to talk to me. I’ve had several boyfriends on line.. My parents caught all of them… They would beat me then take everything from me. I was so isolated.. so desperate.. Finally even, after millions of warning, i found this guy, online, and we texted and dated for 8 months. He broke up with me and i knew i couldn’t deal with it… I had so much greif and guilt that i just.. walked downstairs, my mind blank and my heart shattered. I grabbed a knife and put it to my throat.. I pressed it agaisnt my skin and tried so hard to slit it.. to end it all. But i couldn’t. I had no pyhsical strength to push that knife any farther to pentrate my skin and just let my blood flow… I soon learned to get over that obstacle in my life and move on. I’ve lost wieght since then and things started to look up. But some days i still feel like i’m alone. That i carry the wieght of the whole Earth on my shoulders.. My story is no where near any of yours. I am not going through anything you are going through. I do not have a job, but i do go to high school. I have a boyfiend,online, that i love very much, but feel that he sometimes could care less. My friends..well i call them my friends but we all truly know no one is ever your friend. They treat me horribly. They ignore me as if i was just air. You can’t see me but you know i’m there.. My best friend is a whore. i can’t speak to here about guys that i happen to like because she always gets her gruppy paws on them.. My father is a pig.. he whatches me while i shower and as i get dressed..I can’t speak to my mother of this because i know she wouldn’t believe me. I can’t speak with her about anything without some sarcastic remark involved. Especially about guys. She hates them all and thinks there pigs out for one thing and one thing only. Not all of them are like that. Some are different!.. My oldest brother always compares me to his girlfriends. Telling me i need to be more like them. How i’m too fat or i’m gaining wieght. Or how you need to tan. He thinks women are here to just please men. That we have no brains and all were here for is to shop, tan, and talk about guys…. My youngest sister is depressing and my youngest brother is the devil… My life just can’t get any better… Sometimes i pray to god to just kill me as i fall asleep that if he cares and loves me at all he would end it all once and for all. But every morning i wake up and dread the day knowing he eithier did not hear my plea or just ignored it… 

I wish you all the best of luck…

From a 14 year old girl,

                       Caty ~

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