Well before i start you can probably already see this going to be a bit long… I don’t really have anyone to talk to so I’ma just spill my guts on this page. I’m going to change all the names except own, as not to cause arguments with the people involved if they are to ever stumble across this. I’llÂ start from the beginning so you can understand how and why I’m here… Although about 60% of this is past tense, last night i tried to kill myselfÂ again… i couldn’t do it >.<
First of all I’m 17 & Male, My name is Kevern and i guess this is my story…
About 8 or so months i started dating a girl called Mellisa & she was awesome, everything i had ever dreamed of (I know this is sounding gay but bare with me). She was intelligent, Caring, Loving, Beautiful and otherwise just my dream girl. She has changed my life in more ways than she will ever know… but this isn’t where my story begins…
It all starts with my god forsaken mother, she had blamed me (and still does) for the way her life has turned out. She fell pregnant to my father, they got married and the rest is history. She hates me and blames everything on me. She used to beat me up a lot, she would corner me in my bedroom and beat the shit out of me with my fathers belt while he was at work. When i was 13-14 she tried to kill me with a kitchen knife; I ran and eventually she got tired and threw it at my head, i ducked and it landed point first into the door right behind me, if i didn’t move I’d be pretty dead at the moment.
Until recently I’ve been afraid to tell anyone about my mother, mainly because i feel no one will believe me as to everyone else, she acts much differently… I still don’t talk about this to people who know her, because i Know they wont believe me 🙁
Growing up i had always been beaten up and teased in school. My hands are normal but the skin is.. like they’re the hands of an 80 year old, I’m weird, Socially awkward…. I have long hair and love Metal, with an extremly high IQ i see things most don’t and look at things differently. All these points have assured my life in school a living hell. The girls laughed at me and the guys punched me whenever they could. I was at the a butt of every joke and my nick name in high school was “Sir. Penis Wrinkle”. They assumed my penis must look my hands and so i had been dubbed that. Growing up like this I learned not to show any emotion and block people out. So they couldn’t abuse me emotionally and i could care less about what they had to say about me, this only made things worse really…
I was kicked out of highschool because i started acting out – Set the toilets on fire, made explosives in chemistry class, I would smoke cigarettes in class and all the rest of it. When i look back on it i guess i just wanted some attention that didn’t lead to me getting my ass kicked, though this inevitably did. My father was very disappointed in me as he believed i had the potential for so much more… The constant pressure of people expecting me to use my intelligence didn’t help at all.
After i dropped out i got into a computers, my father is a computer programmer so we were never short of computers around the house. I needed something to challenge me and take my mind off life. The logical and lateral aspects of computer programming have done just that. Now as it stands, i can’t stand to look at source code because of the memories & feelings attached to it. This is unfortunate because i have no other skills to play on. Coding is all i really know how to do and god damn it, i don’t want to do it! I am the harbinger of my doom for as far as that goes though.
I guess i should get back to that girl now… *sigh*… Well she’s one of those girls that every guy wants, but can never get… I met her when i was 12, I can’t remember how she got my email address but ‘eh, she did. Then one day about a year ago she messaged me on MSN for the first time in years. We got to talking and soon we hit off. Eventually about 8 months ago she caught the train up to see me. First time i met her i was nervous as hell, a little shaky, i was pale,Â my mouth was dry and i could feel my heart beating in every part of my body. We picked her up from the train station. I got in the front seat so i didn’t have to sit next to her (I was really nervous and a little scared of the rejection i was almost sure was about to happen) and she got in the back seat. On the ride home she put her arms around me from the back and my brain must of short circuited or something because my jaw dropped, my heart was beating so hard and fast even she could feel it and the only thing i could do was sit there and think to myselfÂ “What am i doing? What am i doing? What am i doing?”.
We got home and it was dark and cold (Winter time). So i went outside chopped some firewood and built a small fire in the fireplace outside. She sat next to me on the floor and held my hand, she saw i was uncomfortable about my hands but told me she likes them etc.. One thing led to another and soon i was head over heels in love with her. Months passed and almost every weekend she would come up to see me. In this point in my life, i was on top of the world. I learned to trust her and she was the only person i felt wouldn’t betray me… >.<
One day she sent me a text message saying she was leaving to go live with her father on the other side of the country, and she still wants to be friends but doesn’t think it’ll work…. I could almost hear my world crumbling down before me. Each word was like a tiny little glass splinter working its way into my heart. I can’t really explain how i felt as I’m not amred with words powerful enough to describe the over-whelming pain.
I smoked about 6 packs of cigarettes that night and vomited every 10 minutes until there was just nothing left to throw up. It felt like i was dying… rotting from the inside out. I cried for the first time in god knows how long. I didn’t know what to do, i was confused – i didn’t know anything was wrong when i last saw her a few days ago. A few days after that i thought about killing myself… Then the thoughts turned into actions. I went to my dads shed and got some nylon rope and used google to find out how to tie a proper hang-mans knot, so my neck would just snap when i jumped. Once i had that all ready i figured i shouldn’t leave any loose ends – so i made up a suicide note which consisted mainly of: “It’s no ones fault. I’ve just lost
my will to survive” blah blah. It was mostly bullshit as i was hiding my true feelings, i didn’t want anyone to know that someone had so much power over me that with a few simple words i was ready to kill myself.
I went on the internet and told some of my friends that i was going away for a while, and wouldn’t be back in a long long time. One of my friends figured out what had happend and what i was planning to do, i spoke vaguely about it for a few hours until i noticed it was almost 5 AM and people would be up soon, i had lost my window of opportunity. I went to bed and awoke to find that the same person who had figured out my plans told Mellisa, she abused me for a bit then encouraged me to do so, she went on to tell my damn mother what was going on and that just made my life x10 worse…. My mother now knew of a new way to abuse me, thankfully she at least had the good taste to shut up about it but i could always feel she was ready to use it against me.
I must of tried to kill myself 8 or so times, each time i couldn’t pull through with it. I wanted to die but everytime i went to make that a reality my stupid survival instinct kicked in and i freaked out. I eventually gave up and figured i was never going to be able to do it. So i started doing dangerous things. I drive my car at 140 on gravel roads, i ride the quad bike at increadible speeds throwing my weight around to make it stand on two wheels while going over jumps. I’ve joined the army as Special Forces and in a few months I’ll be in NSW to start training…
Anyway, let’s get to the present…. I’ve recently found out she’s moving back to this part of Australia… and she was a new boyfriend, she’s moving back to be with him…. i feel like such a piece of shit at the moment, all the memories and feelings are coming back and i’m losing it all overagain… I thought i was passed this but apparently not. I can’t talk to anyone about this because the friends i have are… not friends >.>
I just don’t want to live like this… I can’t think of anything to live for anymore but I’m too damn scared to kill myself.
And it’s not just about the girl – my entire life has sucked and i can only imagine my future is worse… The only way to really fix my future is to ensure i don’t have a future. Even if i were to set in motion a chain of events that would positively affect my future i don’t think the pain will pass anytime soon 🙁
I can’t see a way out of this. I’m torn between two, and there’s no right choice.