The guilt is the thing that is the worstÂ for me. I feel so guilty for wishing for the pain to be over. so guilty for not being a better daughter, a better friend, a better sister. So guilty for not being able to make my mom’s life better. Im a waste of space. A waste of time. A waste of a being. When your so young and you start to write about death, it seems like it dooesnt matter. the m0ment will pass. But it goes on until im almost 18 and watching my clock tick down until it dies. Its so shelfish to feel this way. So..pathetic. Acting was something i did very well. as a club, and for a life. but eventully it got to the point of where i was crying every day and waas able to get anti depressints to help. That was three months ago and im falling again. Ready to cry for no reason. Feeling like my friends and family want for me to die. My dad was always a cruel man. Until he met his hisÂ whore and left my mom for her.. He was the worst person for my poor mom. He turned evryone aganst her. And one day he caught me crying when i visited his house. he stated he hasÂ no sympathy for the suicides. and he didnt even know i was on the anti depressants. Well daddy, if your saying i would kill myself, you would not shed a tear at my funeral? Ha.Its not like you would care. You always told me how i wasnt skinny enough even thought im not fat, notÂ smart enough, even though then i got B’s, and not pretty enough.Â Which i dont think im ugly. I can only imagin his discust if he seen the scars that decorate my thighs. Ha. Not to mention i was molested at a young age. Hhe would disown meÂ in a pinch. Not to matter though, his new hoochie wife is making him money, so he can live the high life.
Â There are so many people who feel the same way but in a diifferent perspective. It could be alot worse. but it could also be alot better. I was getting better. I was feeling better, so why do I feel like im ready to cry my eyes out and jump? dNo one knows about this except for my mom. who is such a good person and as supportave as she can be. And then my best friend. who i question now. But even they do not understand how bad it is. how much work it is to get out of bed, go to my last year of high school, and go to work. Its selfish. All this talk abbout my pain when there are others who are suffering. But i cant help but foucous on mine. I hope one day, that I can be aÂ person that everyone can be proud of. A person that is worth this space. A person that is worth living. But i dont know how long i can keep ticking while this acid is eating away at the batteries i need to survive. I have no talent. No ambition. So is it worth toÂ stay alive? Yes no. Yes no.
I wish you all luck, and I wish myself luck,