Hello all. First of all, don’t start judging me from the title. I’m not some suicide-hater or sth. I accidently stumbled on this site because I too am ‘one of you’ and keep thinking of ending my life.
The reason I am writing now is because after skimming through some of the posts (because I HATE reading), I’ve noticed a few things. The one thing I noticed that disgusted me was this 34-year old man WHO HAS A 3-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER and is planning to die, make it look like an accident and his family would collect the life inssurance. He ends his post with “We’ll all be better off after this is done.” (See here)
OK. So the post was short, I read it, I got mad, I decided to leave a hate comment, but then what I noticed was that there were a couple more parents like him having commented about having these same thoughts. So what I’m about to say is a really obvious thing which I’m sure all of you have heard before and understand, but I just have to say this. YOU DO NOT KILL YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE A 3-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER! OMFG how STUPIDÂ can you be to think that a life inssurance would make it all so much better to a little girl who will never have a father.
Just fuckin try & picture this – Kids playing, talking (whatever the age), and obviously someone mentions something about their parents, maybe sth like “Oh damn, my stupid parents have grounded me blah blah blah” and then everyone starts talking about parents and then this girl gets asked
-Hey, why are you so quiet? Your parents are so perfect that you’ve got nothing to say against them?
-My father killed himself when I was 3.
*Awkward silence*
-I’m.. So sorry, I didn’t know..
-It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”
Ok, so that’s the one situation, right? Now try & understand that THIS will happen a million times! Maybe thousands, but as long as she lives, or at least for maybe 60-70 years, until she’s a grandma and people won’t ever think about her parents, she will keep answering the same thing – “My father killed himself when I was 3”. And the akward silence again and again, and forever & ever. Unless, of course, she follows the example she’s been set by her father and just fuckin ends it while going through the confusing teenage stage.
Now listen, all of you parents out there, I am no psychologist. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to your children when you die. But even I understand that it just CAN’T BE GOOD. Now I don’t know how much you’re struggling financially, but as long as you can access the Internet to moan about your boring life, I’m sure you’re doing JUST FINE. So just blah blah blah I am bored already, let’s get this over with – you should’ve thought about ending your life BEFORE starting another human being’s one. Life sucks and you’ve done the most horrible thing ever – started another life. Now suck it up and do your best to make your kids happy. Or, you know, end your life and just fuck it and let some little girl fix her own bicycle and fight off bullies.
And so. The next thing that I’ve noticed and didn’t make sense was the people who talk about their bullshit life and then mention something about their boyfriends/girlfriends. What the fuck. Now I really don’t understand how can someone who was able to get themselves a “loving partner” (put it in commas coz it sounds lame, lol) think of suicide. I mean.. I don’t know. I’ve always lived somehow differently than my friends and, like, to me – being in a relationship is like “OMG a dream come true!” and if that is to ever actually happen, I am 98% sure it would end my stupid suicidal thoughts. But, you know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe people just tend to love you and you’re just so used to it, you don’t even put it in your “cons of living” list. Whatever.
So now the actual part where I moan about myself.
Life sucks. It doesn’t have a reason. There is no afterlife. I am just a one replaceable cell among billions of others. A few people would be sad if I died, BUT AT LEAST IT’S NOT MY FAULT THOSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY EXIST. I want to die. I want to not be.
I know these things and I understand them. I think about them every single day. Yet something stops me from actually doing anything. The bloody animal instinct that we’ve all got. “Stay alive at all costs” it makes me do. I still look both ways before crossing the street, I still duck when something’s thrown my way. My animal part is stronger than the smart one. And it just makes me more angry and depressed.
Go fuck yourselves all of you. I am saying this because it makes me feel good, somehow. Also, because fucking myself is the only interesting activity that I know of.
Buh-bye, you freaks.
8 comments
Hear-hear, well-said.
Except the last part where you started insulting me, but other than that, generally well-said.
“And so. The next thing that I’ve noticed and didn’t make sense was the people who talk about their bullshit life and then mention something about their boyfriends/girlfriends. What the fuck. Now I really don’t understand how can someone who was able to get themselves a “loving partner†(put it in commas coz it sounds lame, lol) think of suicide. I mean.. I don’t know. I’ve always lived somehow differently than my friends and, like, to me – being in a relationship is like “OMG a dream come true!†and if that is to ever actually happen, I am 98% sure it would end my stupid suicidal thoughts. But, you know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe people just tend to love you and you’re just so used to it, you don’t even put it in your “cons of living†list. Whatever.”
very true. except im 100% sure … it would be a dream come true to have some1 , for the first time in my life .
For someone who doesn’t post, I find myself doing so here for the third time in less than 24 hours…weird. Maybe I just don’t care anymore what I put into the ethernet (I was once burned badly for posting online and vowed never to do so again).
Imagine you did have someone you love. I do. He has spent the past 15 years of his life loving me absolutely unconditionally. Then all we built was suddenly taken away (not money, people…money doesn’t matter). And why? Because of MY battles with depression.
And yet he continues to love me unconditionally. He sits here alone with me, the only person left. He won’t jump ship.
Now imagine knowing you are in some limbo. Mental health professionals can’t help. Meds don’t work. Your illness eats away his resources in this life….Dr. bills for treatment that doesn’t work, family who doesn’t understand, every moment of his free time. YOu see how tired he is, how powerless he feels.
You know that, even if you pull out of the abyss this time, statistically you will only be here again…and most likely worse the next time. What was lost cannot be regained. You know your inability to move forward also has him “stuck”….he says he will not move forward without you. He will not leave you behind. But for MONTHS…you vacillate between death and an inabilty to carry through with it. Yes, death is what you seek, but you cannot take that final step.
And each time you fail to carry through is one more day the person you love is stuck in your hell. I have *tried* to move forward, but I am nonfunctional. Without the “white noise” of the computer or television (both of which I hate), the pain of our reality paralyzes me.
And this is all I see: my spirit was broken MONTHS ago. Other depressions have hurt, but this time I am BROKEN.
And this man, who loves me completely, is dying alongside me because I am too weak to let go. What right have I to stay and continue to do this to HIM? It isn’t only about me. Its certainly not about me “having” someone. It is about him. About letting HIM have a life again. What little of it I haven’t already stolen.
I can relate but these people who have ” everything” can still feel empty.
These people have always felt empty and affection,friends,money,etc does not fill the hole .You talk about having a relationship can fix your suicidal ideation, it probably won’t. It’s a bandage that won’t last, eventually you will have to face yourself and your fears,anxieties and why you want to die.
I agree about the bringing children into this world part though, as an antinatalist i’m disgusted that people do this without a second thought. Having children is selfish as in you need to have a purpose, a little one to use as a crutch to guide you through this hellish world and in doing so you just continue the vicious cycle. The depressed,suicidal (usually the more intelligent ones) can see past the illusions and see life as what it really is.
The only way to being “normal” is to keep lying to yourself= Delusional reprogramming (cbt,therapy), Religion (afterlife,purpose,God,everything will be alright, That guy who keeps posting his jesus shit to save others..HAH!!), Modern Slavery (work, keep busy, make the rich richer so you don’t have to think,just keep going till you die ignorant), Drugs (escape and if you got the cash you can nod out till you fade away), etc
The lesson/warning is: do not procreate, it’s not worth it. Life is not worth it.
You’re spot on dude. Even just attempting suicide can severely fuck with a child’s mind (if they’re old enough to know what’s going on). And I know if I had someone that loved me and I had a child that loved me unconditionally I wouldn’t want to to die. I would be grateful for ANYTHING that would alter my thoughts of insignificance.
has anyone ever thought about how affected the child would be growing up with a parent who was so fucked up? are you guys saying that a parent who’s alive but fucked up is better than a parent who committed suicide? bottom line – neither is desirable for the child – a parent who’s dead or alive – but depressed and suicidal.
but i think what wasn’t stated is that – there may be a chance that the parent could improve if they were alive and thus be there for the child, however, it is absolutely impossible for any chance of improving & being there for your child if you’re dead
We all have someone we will leave behind, a mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, child, pet, friend, neighbour, colleague – we all take up more space in the world than we think we do. When in the depths of depression, it is very difficult to think of the ones we would leave behind. Suicide is not a selfish act, and to say that a parent shoudln’t contemplate suicide is a nonsense. The fact that someone is thinking of suicide means that their ability to cope is broken, and they need help. I know I do.
My father killed himself when I was 3. I still remember the last day with him and I will never forgive him. I am now 29 and have never have a fatherly figure in my life.
I really miss him. And always have. I wish from all my heart to return the time and stop him and beg him to stay alive and spend time with me. To see me growing up, to play with me, to go through my puberty with me, to hate by first boyfriend… anything with me.