Please someone read this and give me feedback
my name is Ciara and i am 19 yrs old,Â Ever since i can remember back to when i was 5yrs old my life has been one snowball effect that just keeps growing larger as the years go by. i was sexually molested by two of my cousins when i was between the age 7 and 9. i never spoke up because i thought it was okay in the sense this was the way my family showed they loved me. in a real fucked up way i allowed it because better to be negatively loved than not to be loved at all. my father left my mother long before i was born and only has held me once or twice my whole life. When my grandmother died i felt like a hole had been punch right through my chest. i couldnt get up for days and i literally stopped breathing one evening at the dinning table and passed out. i was only 8 yrs old when she passed away. and i had just met her two weeks prior because my father never brought me to meet her. you people reading this may assume how the hell could you love someone that much just knowing them for two weeks and letting it alter your life? the thing was she was the only one from my father’s side of the family that wanted to know me for real. not just because God was telling them too, or the reverend or pastor priest or whatever was telling them to do it. the first day i went to see her she gave me this red coat with black and goldish trimming that made me look like the nutcracker…haha..i thought it was the tackiest thing but i loved it because it was so weird. after she died i never let it go. to this very day i still have it in my closet though my mother had told me i should let someone else use it. i told her it will never mean as much to them as it means to me. no one will remember who bought the jacket or why. they would only know it was a handme down. i know im gabbing but this is the first time ive ever written on this site, i promise i will get to why i am on it.
In a nutshell my family and friends have betrayed me and left me alone in my pain and misery. My mother thinks im crazy for wanting to die and she tells me over and over other people have it bad. but i say mom i can’t help anyone else if im dying myself, if i could say a single word to cease pain,heartache.etc in the entire world i would because i would hate for someone else to feel like i do. i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy it hurts so bad. being forever in darkness even when the sun comes up is the loneliest feeling in the world. no one wanting to be your friend or wanting to talk to you is lonely. when i was in elementary school i sat alone on the playground and watched everyone else play because no one wanted me to play. i was the bigger girl and uglier. even though i was just taller and i was a cute kid or atleast i thought i was. not so much now lol but beauty is only skin deep right? to me anyway. my own family is that shalllow where most of them won’t bother with me because i am not skinny like them or im not as fashionable or pretty as them. ever since about a year now ive tried to pretend infront of them it doesnt bother me that i can have fun regardless and at the same time i’m thinking about different ways to end it all. should i jump off the rhinecliff bridge like a few have done before. should i drop my ipod dock into the bathtub with me while i’m listening to Alone i break by Korn.. or should i do the most expected of me, the wristcutter way. i’ve imagined walking into traffic or jumping out the car door while mom was chatting about some hot guy off of tv. just to see her face.. my mother doesnt deal with my self mutilating not that she knows how to but she doesnt even try. She’s become a shell ever since my father left her. she acts like her computer games and sports playing will suffice her life. she claims she doesnt care what other people think or she’d rather be alone than hurt with someone. i hate it when she yells at me or rides me off when i try and talk to her. she tells me you pick the worst times.
well everytime has been the worse time for her. she just screamed at me a few minutes ago. sometimes when she looks at me, all i see is regret and dissapointment. like she’d rather the umbilical cord choked me to death when i was in her womb. then none of this would be going on. she’d be with someone or most of all happier. i know i’m just a burden to her. i failed twice in highschool and graduated two years behind my class. not because i couldnt do the work, i just didnt plan on being around for long. i planned on just ending it all..
when i had finally told her i was molested she couldve hardly cared. she tried to act like she believe me and felt angry,but she forgot i can read body language well. i didnt say a word and just went into my room and started slashing my shoulders. my mother’s mother, currently alive believed me.
the most hurtful thing in my life that brings me to tears no matter what is my grandfather who was diagnosed with dementia and is now progressing to alzhemiers. he was my father and mother at the same time growing up. when i needed anything or wanted anything he was always dishing it out no matter how much of a brat i was to him. he truly loved me. he never hurt me like most of the men in my life had. i never had the chance to tell him how much he meant to me or how much i loved him. if i say it now he will not remember the next couple of minutes. he wont even remember where he is or my name. it kills me because the one person alone who could ease my suffering to a bearable point can’t remember me or who he was. so here i am now. when you have to tell someone what you need to hear or what to say. it’s not the same as someone just saying it from the heart.
but i guess i am not worth even that.
Eventually i am going to die whether by my hand or whatever but i don’t know how much longer i can go on.
i could write a novel on my life, that was only a chapter.
i’m losing a grip on life minute by minute and i feel numb.
some nights when i lay down i think i won’t wake up again and yet i do and wonder what’s the point. i am like a single star amongst billions and eventually when i burn out and fade away it will be as if i never egxisted.
who would really remember me?