USA

February 2nd, 2010by endingwithlove

I’m 22 and I have  a college degree in music.  That’s about all I have going for me and in this country that is not much.  I don’t have any real skills to get by in this country because it is so totally fucked up.  The school systems here are not conducive to the real world environment  and the economy is fucked as well because we live in a capitalistic mentality where the rich get richer and the poor all want to die.  I am one of the poor that wants to go buy a 40 dollar gun at the local Walmart and blow my brains out.  I am in debt to my boyfriend and my parents, working 4 part time jobs because there is no full time work anywhere and I barely have enough money to keep food in my mouth.  When I was in college my freshman year I was raped by my 23 year old (at the time) ex boyfriend in a laundromat and I haven’t been the same since.  I have been assaulted on more than one occasion by men and the one time I did try to get the police involved they found the guys and let them off with a warning.  Each of them swore I consented and now all my friends (including my boyfriend) think I’m a whore.   I don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for when everyday my boyfriend calls me a **** more than 3x a day and then tells me he loves me and if I leave him he’ll make my life a living hell.   I talk to myself more than I talk to real people and I cry everyday without specific reason.  I am adopted as well and everyday I think, why the fuck couldn’t I just have been an abortion like those lucky bastards in garbage cans on prom night?  I am a failed actress and a shitty singer and I’m addicted to smoking cigarettes.  I live in a country where a good drug like Marijuana is made illegal but it’s effects are only positive and alcohol is legal when it’s effects are only negative.  What the fuck is wrong with this country and what the fuck is wrong with me?  I want to kill myself so bad.  I have a bottle of seroquel from a therapist that told me I had a personality disorder.  If I overdose on that will I die?

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