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by endingwithlove

I’m 22 and I have  a college degree in music.  That’s about all I have going for me and in this country that is not much.  I don’t have any real skills to get by in this country because it is so totally fucked up.  The school systems here are not conducive to the real world environment  and the economy is fucked as well because we live in a capitalistic mentality where the rich get richer and the poor all want to die.  I am one of the poor that wants to go buy a 40 dollar gun at the local Walmart and blow my brains out.  I am in debt to my boyfriend and my parents, working 4 part time jobs because there is no full time work anywhere and I barely have enough money to keep food in my mouth.  When I was in college my freshman year I was raped by my 23 year old (at the time) ex boyfriend in a laundromat and I haven’t been the same since.  I have been assaulted on more than one occasion by men and the one time I did try to get the police involved they found the guys and let them off with a warning.  Each of them swore I consented and now all my friends (including my boyfriend) think I’m a whore.   I don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for when everyday my boyfriend calls me a **** more than 3x a day and then tells me he loves me and if I leave him he’ll make my life a living hell.   I talk to myself more than I talk to real people and I cry everyday without specific reason.  I am adopted as well and everyday I think, why the fuck couldn’t I just have been an abortion like those lucky bastards in garbage cans on prom night?  I am a failed actress and a shitty singer and I’m addicted to smoking cigarettes.  I live in a country where a good drug like Marijuana is made illegal but it’s effects are only positive and alcohol is legal when it’s effects are only negative.  What the fuck is wrong with this country and what the fuck is wrong with me?  I want to kill myself so bad.  I have a bottle of seroquel from a therapist that told me I had a personality disorder.  If I overdose on that will I die?


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maracuya 2/2/2010 - 6:44 pm

Don’t die. Please don’t die. I will write to you every day and ask you not to die. I’m turning 22 in a month.. you’re a musician. You’re supposed to feel things deeper than people that study boring shit like accounting. Don’t die. You can do this. You can get through it, get more money, work work work and then just leave. You can go anywhere, you can do anything. You can find a boyfriend that won’t call you a ****, and will help you out. They’re out there.. I don’t know what to say. Please don’t die.

superbah13 2/2/2010 - 9:10 pm

Please dnt hurt yourself. Musicians are too beautiful to lose in such a sad world. Music is one of the biggest reasons im still around…im 21, turning 22 in a few months…we have SO much going for us…we’re both young and have plenty of life to live…yu have a college degree, ii dnt. ii screwed around wen ii was younger and take my schooling seriously and now im trying to make up for lost time. Im in debt to my parents, and am working 3 part time jobs to try and make up the money ii owe and keep myself alive. my ex was a douche, called me a ***** and convinced me ii NEEDED him. our stories are a lot a like. im not saying that i know exactly how yu feel, but i do know how it feels to be in a similar situation…yu deserve better and can have better…maybe yu need a change of scenery? find somewhere else to live and start over again. clean slates are always good to have once in a while. All im saying is that yu have so much open to yu and with the right help yu can make it thru the rough spot ur in and do so much better. Im always here to talk to, to listen, to give advice, or anything else. hawaiiansurfergrrl@yahoo.com theres plenty of people out there that are willing and can help yu. Im hoping ii helped yu, even if it was just a little bit. Please keep yourself safe. Hit me up if yu ever need anything.

Mouse2 2/3/2010 - 12:09 am

Seriously dont do it! my mom just killed herself two weeks ago, and now im fucked up for the rest of my life. your not just making YOUR pain go away, your bringing pain upon MANY other people. I will honestly never be the same becasue of this so please please, i know there is someone out there that cares for you..so dont think about yourself, think about them. there isnt a second that passes that i dont miss her. Damnit it just make me so mad when i think about it, literally NOTHING in the world is that bad that you would have to take your owen life, nothing.

jenzea 2/3/2010 - 11:50 pm

Hi Young Lady……….
#1 NO, you will NOT o.d. of Seroquel, you will just get real sick in the stomach, they will take you to ER, pump your stomach, and you will feel worse.
#2 DUMP THAT PIECE OF SHIT BALL-LESS FUCKING BOYFRIEND. He is not even good enough to wipe your butt with his face.
#3 Make police reports on the rapes that you have experienced.
#4 Find on line SUPPORT groups for victims, and YES you are a victim that is why you feel like crap, hate yourself, and want to die. YOU are a WORTHLY young woman, a WORTHY human being, and a WORTHY soul that has sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to offer the world.
#5 Get into regular therapy with a female therapist who specializes in rape. There are alot who go by sliding scale.
#6 Get on a different depression medication.
#8 Be kind to YOU. You are a wounded little bird. If one of your good friends were like you……would you treat her like you treat yourself, meanly and hateful OR would you treat her gently with great love and great respect.
PLEASE BE GOOD TO YOU. You are in my heart. Blessings to your sad soul. Take good care of YOU, you are precious. Remember that. Jen 🙂

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