Want to go… im not even asking alot

huuuuh i hate this … i just want not to exist..not go to heaven not go to hell just erased…

Im 21 years old and have never really asked lot all ive ever wanted is to just be happy how hard is that to ask really. I recently split up with my girlfriend of 4 years who i loved to pieces and adored i treated her very well and did all i could.now she doesnt love me has left me and is being so horrible. we have had problems before but not this bad. She lives miles away from me but still insists on going out on the night times were i live. I therefor have to see pics of her with lads i know and hear about things through some suposed friends. why cant she just stay away. I feel like i will never get a girl that i will truly love again because the type of person im looking for doesnt exist someone who can truly love someone like i can do. This girl i was with was so gorgeous and will get loads of male attention and i feel like im going to go crazy i dont think i will get a girl who will look like this again ( i know proper shallow or what). I do cage fighting and im not scared of fighting but i just want it to go further i would love nothing more than to go out on one of these nights and find this one lad in particular and his mates and beat the hell out of them not kill them but seriously hurt them and then just lay down and let them beat me to death… I dont want to live but i dont want to just lay down and die i want to go away fighting ( out with a bang ) with revenge in away.. i want my ex to hurt the way i do as this has been so easy for her so far… some wil say this is a waste of life but i dont care theres nothing i want to live for…… im losing my hair dont really like my friends and theres nothing i want… in some ways im very shallow but in some ways very deep… im confused.

im kind of christian and know that suicide is frowned upon and i dont want to go to hell if it exists but i cant live this nightmare anymore. suicide is  supposed to be a sin but if god really exists then why would god let me suffer like this and live through this torment…. im a good person and i just want to love someone who will love me back and not hurt me like i have been by this girl and another girl in the past