Hi, I’ve never posted anything like this before, but the way I can relate to some posts is so uncanny that I thought I’d share a bit of my story. Maybe someone has advice? Suicide is becoming more plausible to me than ever, which scares and saddens the rational part of myself because my death would hurt my family. Still, I have been emotionally isolating myself from them for some time now, I hardly understand why they would still love me other than the fact that we’ve shared a history together, and this makes me think that they could get over my death. I don’t do anything for them. I don’t say ‘I love you’ to them. But the guilt of inflicting devastation on my family with my death keeps me from doing anything drastic. And yet, I want to be selfish. I feel like I’ve experienced what life has to offer and won’t miss it if it ends prematurely. I absolutely cannot deal with life if it continues the way it has been. I feel like I will eventually reach forty and still feel this way. It’s like a personality defect.
I read all of these posts and wonder what keeps people going. We talk and think about suicide, but why do we still choose to be here? For what do we endure this suffering? I, at least, must be ignorant of how fabulous life can be. Anyway, what I want to know is, what keeps you going? What keeps you wanting to wake up every morning and set and achieve new goals? What energizes you?
1 comment
Sometimes the now energizes me, sometimes the future is the only thing that energizes me. All I know is that there will always be something that will give me satisfaction eventually. It may take a while, but something worth while will come eventually. My brother died two years ago and my My dad killed himself a week later and mom had colon cancer but I kept thinking, something good will happen eventually and what is good for me may not be good for you, but something, I promise, will come your way that will be amazing for you. Even now, it is amazing to think that I survived and continue to breathe in and breathe out and think and plan and grow. That is amazing. During my darkest hours, my goal would be to sit up. Then it would be to place my feet on the ground. Then to stand up. I would set second by second goals because if I thought ahead, it would be too much. I never contemplated suicide because my dad did it to me and I could never contribute to another person’s grief and torment the way he did to me. Just keep going, you will see, life will bring you what you need good and bad. Good luck to you–I am sure you are a good person and things will get better–they always do.