First I am not sitting here with a rope around my neck or gun in my hand BUT I do want to kill myself all of the same. I am just too cowardly to do it yet.  A little background. I am 45 year old man with all of the trappings of reasonable success. I have a wife and two daughters. I love my daughters but not the wife. I have been married for over 22 years and double I ever loved my wife for more then a year or so spread out over that time but mostly in the begining only and only sort of. I lost a large part of my family as a very young child. My father died when I was 5-6 years old. He slowly died over a year. That could not be changed. Two siblings left to never be heard of again thou a few years ago the one who was still alive unfortunately the one I was taught to hate by mom. In that time I was sexually abused with only a vague recollection but later sexually abused in all of the gory details. why I was so passive the second time just letting it to happen not fighting back I do not know. I hated my mom for as long as I can remember starting as a very young child just after my father died. I have been submissive starting before Iw as sexually abused the second time and have been ever since. I sought control in all of my Jobs and that obsessive drive, overwhelming feelings of responsibility enable me to excel in my career. I feel guilty feeling this way considering I have a what most would consider a good life. I just does not seem to matter to me. I am on my second therapist. Far more intense this second time thou she will not say anything bad about the first. The only thing she says is I was ready for more this time because I was ready. I am on meds or aleast one now. Limactal and rispidal. Excuse my spelling it just seemed to exceed my abilities. Funny I dropped out of high school in the 10th grade after the second time in the 10th grade but now make 6 figures. So I am sitting here on valentines day. My wife in the other room. Daughter in another and my other daughter living in Boston. My dog just lying there because I won’t play with her instead of writing this. I love my dog. I love my daughters. I don’t really feel anything towards my wife other then indifference mostly and anger sometimes. My sexuality has been twisted beyond recognition. The words I ofter use are FUCKING PERV. The only thing that can move me in that way is to be harmed and or humiliated. I am a sex addict. Since the second time I was sexually abused I have been sexually compulsive. My therapist describes these behaviors as a maladaptive form of self soothing. Not much in the way of soothing since the only thing gets me high gets me off is being humiliated and harmed. My behaviors are solo with the occasion of experiencing in real life the physical and soman supplied direct emotional degradation and humiliation. I woke this morning wanting to kill myself again. That emptness inside on this day when I should feel love and loved both of which I am incapable of just makes it worse.
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write to me if u wanna im here…
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
also…people that want to die ask for help because in reality nobody wants to die just people want things to get better and people want to die so they dont have to feel that pain or depression or any of those unhappy feelings anymore thats why they ask for help and they should we all need to stop and get together and help each other as much as we can and be there for each other because theres a lot of really really really bad people out there that dont and wont understand what we feel or are going through so we need to stick together because those people will hurt us, i’ve heard it all because of how i feel so we need to just stick together!!!
please don’t feel terrible. i know that you probably think little of God, but i know through experience that God can heal all problems, alllllll problems, even if you’re already 90 years old or 60 years old or 45 years old, He can do it. please talk to me… and take care.. helpmesaveus.com/contact
i am a 35 yr old female with a master’s degree from an ivy league university. i was sexually abused also-multiple times by one teenager when i was not yet 6 years old. then my father’s male friend used to have me sit on his lap and tickle me when we were alone in a room. my ex-stepfather used to “caress” his fingers on my thigh and leg when i was 16 years old as he was “tucking” me in and my mom was in their bedroom. the predators can sense the unprotected and the vulnerable it seems. i feel as if i was a willing participant since i never said no. but i’ve always felt guilty about it. i never knew i thought i was a bad girl until 2 years ago. i just always suppressed the guilt and shame. the woman who also had a significant influence on my psychology has narcissistic personality disorder. she stripped me of myself because she wanted my life to be all about her. i was left unprotected from the predators because she also neglected to care for me, protect me. i have similar sexual tendencies as you – i.e. desire to be controlled, physically dominated and humiliated. i feel free when involved in this kind of sexual play, though not sustainably free since the one partner i’ve had in this sex play was not really trustworthy, so we are no longer sexual partners. suicide was a theme in my thoughts today…and every moment when i feel hopeless, defeated, climbing an uphill battle that just keeps getting steeper. i feel incredibly alone, without anyone whose insight i trust. i am alone and in torture.
Can people stop bringing god into this? Now is not the best time to start to do the preach routine. If there evr was anything even remotely close to a god, I think he should go kill himself for what he supposedly created down here. Or he should at least feel quite bad about his perfect image turning into crap. If you feel like this about your wife, then you should cheat on her, without her finding out see how that feels, and then either stay with her and start loving her or get a divorse. Where you are right now wont get better with you sitting there writing to people you shall never actually see or hear in person. Get off your ass and start doing something, or pull the plug. You got choices, we all do. Sex is important, whoever said it isnt is an idiot. Your daughters will be fine they have nothing to do with this. Divorse hurts children, of course it does, but its worth it if it saves your ass. Dont talk to your loved ones or friends about your suicidal thoughts – worst idea trust me. Theyll have you labeled for life, and if there is a life still in front of you, then you dont want to go through it with people you know thinking your a depressive maniac. They dont and wont understand. Thank god
Or go do something for others. Egocentrism is pretty destructive sometimes literally unfortunatelly. If you like animals go help at an animal shelter or adopt a dog, name him rex. Go for walks with him.
Do charity work for womens breast cancer efforts. True you wont see many cute girls with plump sexy titties, but youll feel like your alive by doing something. I worked at a charity fund for cancer patients below the age of 10 and that spun me around (along with cigarettes and alcohol, I admit) Seeing how brave little kids can be, how they try to cheer their parents up when it is them who are dying, thats really soemthing Ill never forget that.
And last hint, make friends, or sex buddies, or girlfriends. Other people do help, even if you cant directly converse with them about your issues.