Worthless doesn’t even explain how I’m feeling right now. Actually, worthless doesn’t explain how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. I don’t even know why I joined this site… or anything. How do you even begin?
Hi! I’m suicidal! How was your day?
Yeah, doesn’t sound like a very good idea. I guess, generally, I decided to write this to either gain insight from somebody that isn’t biased by knowing me. Or… I don’t know… figure things out. So, yeah. I’m suicidal. How was your day?
Actually, saying I’m suicidal is very wrong. I can’t kill myself. I’m too scared. I don’t like pain, and I don’t really like the idea of failing… so that’s pretty much out. I mean, I just spent the last two hours digging scissors into my skin over and over again and then bawled my eyes out, but I could never- ever kill myself. As much as I clearly want to. So, instead of killing myself I live every single day in this fog. I live everyday wishing, desperately wishing somebody else would just do the job for me. Obviously, I don’t get many wishes granted.
So, how does this work? Do I tell my life story? Do I explain why, exactly, I want to die so fiercely? I haven’t got a clue. My Mother is a drug addict, my Father is a drug addict, my sister is a drug addict, my Granny died a drug addict. But really, who doesn’t have families full of drug addicts now? That’s not why I want to die. I want to die because I honestly, HONESTLY see no point in living my life. I don’t want to. I can’t figure out what my purpose is, or why I’m needed. Instead, I spend every day lacking in skills, burdening all I feed off of and sitting on my ass, once again, wishing I were dead. And my friends, even my boyfriend, tells me that I shouldn’t. That my life is fine. That people have been through WAY WORSE and came out peachy.
Well, I’m not people. I me. And I can’t handle things. I’ve been asking for help for so long that’s it’s getting ridiculous. Am I s’possed to live everyday not desiring it?
2 comments
im here and i understand and i care!!! write to me!
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
Hi.
My name is Sarah. I am a sixteen year old junior. I am a singer, song-writer and an average student. But, most importantly, I am a suicide survivor.
When I was fifteen, I tried to overdose on sleeping pills. It didn’t work, and I woke up fourteen hours later in a hospital bed somewhere in California. “Welcome back to the world”, they said to me. “You’re lucky to be alive”. I laughed at the irony.
I want to tell you that your life is worth living. Your future is limitless. You can be whatever you want to be. Whatever it is you want most in the world- you can reach it. I promise you. I know that right now, at this point in your life, it doesn’t seem that way. But believe me, coming from someone who has been where you are, it is better on the other side. You are so incredibly loved, by all of your friends, family and boyfriend. I promise you that there is a silver lining to this cloud you’re stuck in. If you need to talk, email me at sarahfaulkner@comcast.net
God bless you.