Worthless

February 7th, 2010by Xechi

Worthless doesn’t even explain how I’m feeling right now. Actually, worthless doesn’t explain how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. I don’t even know why I joined this site… or anything. How do you even begin?

Hi! I’m suicidal! How was your day?

Yeah, doesn’t sound like a very good idea. I guess, generally, I decided to write this to either gain insight from somebody that isn’t biased by knowing me. Or… I don’t know… figure things out. So, yeah. I’m suicidal. How was your day?

Actually, saying I’m suicidal is very wrong. I can’t kill myself. I’m too scared. I don’t like pain, and I don’t really like the idea of failing… so that’s pretty much out. I mean, I just spent the last two hours digging scissors into my skin over and over again and then bawled my eyes out, but I could never- ever kill myself. As much as I clearly want to. So, instead of killing myself I live every single day in this fog. I live everyday wishing, desperately wishing somebody else would just do the job for me. Obviously, I don’t get many wishes granted.

So, how does this work? Do I tell my life story? Do I explain why, exactly, I want to die so fiercely? I haven’t got a clue. My Mother is a drug addict, my Father is a drug addict, my sister is a drug addict, my Granny died a drug addict. But really, who doesn’t have families full of drug addicts now? That’s not why I want to die. I want to die because I honestly, HONESTLY see no point in living my life. I don’t want to. I can’t figure out what my purpose is, or why I’m needed. Instead, I spend every day lacking in skills, burdening all I feed off of and sitting on my ass, once again, wishing I were dead. And my friends, even my boyfriend, tells me that I shouldn’t. That my life is fine. That people have been through WAY WORSE and came out peachy.

Well, I’m not people. I me. And I can’t handle things. I’ve been asking for help for so long that’s it’s getting ridiculous. Am I s’possed to live everyday not desiring it?

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