Almost Twice

  March 26th, 2010 by artemis

There was a time in my life when the pain was completely unbearable. I could not live with what had happened to me; the shame, the memories that would not leave me alone. They kept repeating over and over, popping up in my thoughts no matter how much I tried to forget and think of other things.

People can be cruel. I couldn’t take a life of repeated cruelty where all I could look forward to was loneliness and hurt. The pain was so intense it felt physical. I felt it in my stomach, my arms, my head, my chest. My home situation was unbearable too. No chance of an opportunity to change things or get away from it. Not that I didn’t try. I was 14 when I first tried to kill myself. I failed because I really didn’t know how to do it properly. I downed an entire bottle of pills, then threw them up. I ended up in the hospital on an IV. They thought I had the flu or something. No one ever knew I tried that first time.

Three years later I tried again, mostly for the same reasons. I also felt overwhelmed by the responsibilities shoved on me; things no one should have to deal with at that age. I had no self-respect, I hated myself. Emotional eating and cocktails of depression meds made me gain a lot of weight. I was disgusted with myself. Pills again. But I ran out of them before succeeding. I didn’t know how many it would take. So I called someone, and went into the hospital. It really helped me. It made me take responsibility for the behaviors and thoughts that kept me in victim mode. It didn’t turn my life around completely, but I left there unable to ever try to commit suicide again. Don’t ask me how or why, I don’t understand it myself, but there it is.

Eventually, after years of self-searching and moving hundreds of miles away, I realized that I had the choice to focus only on what I hated or focus on what I wanted to make happen. I had lost my hope. Even now, nearly a decade after my first attempt, I am just now feeling hope again. Real hope for the future. It doesn’t mean I never get down, or that I am happy all the time. There are days when I get really down. But it’s different now. I don’t feel that aching, constant emotional pain. I still get anxious and lonely. Sometimes its almost as bad as the worst it ever was. But then it passes. Sometimes emotions are like a storm, you just have to weather them and let them wash over you until they pass. Focus on what you can do to make your situation better. Distract yourself from your misery. Let it flow on by you. I am not my depression, my current situation. I am more than that.

“This too will pass.”

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