Am I ready?

  March 23rd, 2010 by GrowlerGirl

You’ll all probably think that this is a shit of a reason to be considering suiside, but it’s caused me a lot of greif and shit like that from going through this. I cried all the time, not knowing why, I was on the verge on a mental break-down, I had depression, and through all this I felt I couldn’t tell any one, that I shouldn’t. Like there was something physicly stoping me, that I wasn’t ment to. So it started ages ago when I found out that one of my so-called friends hated me, for no reason. It started and I didn’t really care because I didn’t think much of her. Then she was organising to go out with everyone, and she didn’t bother to hide it from me. My friend asked her if everyone could come, and she said yeah my friend said that she’d bring me, then she said that everyone was invited, but me. This keeps on happening. over and over. Next, My best friend, who I’ve known for 10 years, invites her over with everyone else, she didn’t tell me. She didn’t tell me, so I found out second hand, from my other best friend, I felt as if, there was no point in life if one person could manipulate others into anything they wanted them to be. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the back with a blunt kife. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. I shoke. I couldn’t feel anything at all. That’s when I cut myself for the first time. I felt better, like a high, the I felt worse the next day, like I had hit stone cold, like I was being draged down, like there was no hope, like I couldn’t do anything, infuence anything, I felt like I would be better off in a dark corner, by myself, and wait for death. But then I thought, wait? Why do I need to wait for death? death can cone quickly. I dremt of ways I could kill myself, when I went on the tube, I thought about throwing myself infront of it. I thought that I wanted to FEEL something before I died, really feel something. Pain, laughter, love, anything.

I couldn’t get counciling, help, but I wrote, anything I felt down, the After a week, I read it back, and Thought about the situations and how I felt at that time with a clear head, It’s helping, and slowly, I am rebuilding myself. I hope you can too.

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