Alright, I want to start by saying, yeah, I know that people have it WAY worse than me…. But what’s going on with me I can’t handle.
My mother verbally abuses me, every moment she gets. And it’s been happening for as long as I can remember… Ever since I was little, I was always told I was worthless, hopeless, never amount to anything. It was ingrained into my brain at such a young age that even now, even when people tell me otherwise, I can’t believe them.
I guess my suicidal mentality surfaced when I was little, in a painting that I did with a black crayon and water color paints. There were several panels in the painting that had sad faces and something about dying. This was in kindergarten. No one really paid it any mind because I was little and in a catholic school. Nothing ever goes wrong in catholic schools. Never.
Can you hear the sarcasm?
I tried to end my life once before this. I wanted to slit my wrists and bleed till I could bleed no more. It was a horrible way to think, but that was how I thought. As a cry for help, I posted on deviantART.com about my thoughts. A lot of people got really scared and tried to help me. And it worked, and worked really well. People I only knew through a love of anime and video games were helping me. It was amazing how many people responded to my journal. Here’s the link to the page if you want to read it: http://vincentaddicted.deviantart.com/journal/28120504/#comments
Anyway, I quickly got over that… But the feeling was still there, deep down in the darkest corner of my heart.
You know, people think that verbal abuse is nothing. That it’s just something that happens and it can’t be as bad as physical abuse.
Friends, truly I tell you, it’s the worst kind of abuse there is. Even though words are spoken in a fleeting second, your mind records it and will play it back. You can’t play back the pain from a cut or a punch, but the pain from words will re-scar every time you think about them. And having been verbally abused since I was an infant… There is so much pain there. Not to mention that my ADHD and OCD sent me out form the crowd. Innocent little children, toddlers, people who you never think would hurt a fly, hurt me worse than one can imagine. And my parents, the people who are supposed to be there for you and comfort you, only made the pain worse, and still do to this day.
Is it any wonder why I hurt myself like I did?
I don’t think so. I didn’t do what I did as a cry for help. I did it because it made me feel better, even if only for a little while. I talked to my therapist and i stopped hurting myself…. But I’m back at it. I want to die again.
My mother is always abusing me, and she said to me “I’m the best God damn parent there is!” Yeah right. She’s the worst, and she doesn’t even know that what she’s doing is pushing me to kill myself. The last time I tried, the school’s psychologist talked to my mom and she went off on me when I got home from school. She didn’t care that she made it worse… And she still doesn’t.
I find solance on the internet, a place where one can be completely anonymous, get the help that one needs without having to face the awkward real life chat about suicide.
Truly I tell you, friends, think twice before you say something hurtful to someone. You may think you’re above bullying, that you would never hurt someone. Please, remember this!! Your words can send someone to an early grave! Please think before you speak!!! A few seconds of thinking back be the difference between death and life.