Alright, I want to start by saying, yeah, I know that people have it WAY worse than me…. But what’s going on with me I can’t handle.
My mother verbally abuses me, every moment she gets. And it’s been happening for as long as I can remember… Ever since I was little, I was always told I was worthless, hopeless, never amount to anything. It was ingrained into my brain at such a young age that even now, even when people tell me otherwise, I can’t believe them.
I guess my suicidal mentality surfaced when I was little, in a painting that I did with a black crayon and water color paints. There were several panels in the painting that had sad faces and something about dying. This was in kindergarten. No one really paid it any mind because I was little and in a catholic school. Nothing ever goes wrong in catholic schools. Never.
Can you hear the sarcasm?
I tried to end my life once before this. I wanted to slit my wrists and bleed till I could bleed no more. It was a horrible way to think, but that was how I thought. As a cry for help, I posted on deviantART.com about my thoughts. A lot of people got really scared and tried to help me. And it worked, and worked really well. People I only knew through a love of anime and video games were helping me. It was amazing how many people responded to my journal. Here’s the link to the page if you want to read it: http://vincentaddicted.deviantart.com/journal/28120504/#comments
Anyway, I quickly got over that… But the feeling was still there, deep down in the darkest corner of my heart.
You know, people think that verbal abuse is nothing. That it’s just something that happens and it can’t be as bad as physical abuse.
Friends, truly I tell you, it’s the worst kind of abuse there is. Even though words are spoken in a fleeting second, your mind records it and will play it back. You can’t play back the pain from a cut or a punch, but the pain from words will re-scar every time you think about them. And having been verbally abused since I was an infant… There is so much pain there. Not to mention that my ADHD and OCD sent me out form the crowd. Innocent little children, toddlers, people who you never think would hurt a fly, hurt me worse than one can imagine. And my parents, the people who are supposed to be there for you and comfort you, only made the pain worse, and still do to this day.
Is it any wonder why I hurt myself like I did?
I don’t think so. I didn’t do what I did as a cry for help. I did it because it made me feel better, even if only for a little while. I talked to my therapist and i stopped hurting myself…. But I’m back at it. I want to die again.
My mother is always abusing me, and she said to me “I’m the best God damn parent there is!” Yeah right. She’s the worst, and she doesn’t even know that what she’s doing is pushing me to kill myself. The last time I tried, the school’s psychologist talked to my mom and she went off on me when I got home from school. She didn’t care that she made it worse… And she still doesn’t.
I find solance on the internet, a place where one can be completely anonymous, get the help that one needs without having to face the awkward real life chat about suicide.
Truly I tell you, friends, think twice before you say something hurtful to someone. You may think you’re above bullying, that you would never hurt someone. Please, remember this!! Your words can send someone to an early grave! Please think before you speak!!! A few seconds of thinking back be the difference between death and life.
6 comments
i knwo how you feel, my mom DAILY, tells me im a mistake. im useless, worthless, a sad version of a daughter. she tells me i ruined her life. everything. she tells me all the time im a failure, im never going to amount to much..worst of all she tells me “theres no wonder you’re dad left you when he did. your just as worthless as him” it hurts. i can help, maybe. we can talk together? dance.cassie.dance@hotmail.com
I understand how you feel completely. My family says not to blame them, but I’m the youngest of 5 children. They don’t realize how much verbal abuse I took and got affected by. My brother just said last night that I should suck it up and realize that’s the world.
I told my mother about my mind, told her she needs to stand up for me when it’s right. She did it again…she didn’t. She broke promises. She betrayed me.
I have BPD. My mind is getting worse and worse…
I wonder why people feel the need to hurt us. If we mentioned suicide, they’ll either say we are dramatic or too emotional and stupid or selfish. We know there are people who have it worse. We know what we have in possession and to offer.
That’s why this is so serious…being aware of those yet still desire death. Nonexistence…
My man source of verbal abuse is my family. And when I do somthing a little off or wrong my mom will pitchin with a few scorching words of her own. When will this end? People like us are not ment to go through this. I can’t take hating myself and being hated by others anymore. Idk. I wish you luck.
I also have BPD, and it has been a long, uphill battle for me to deal with that, along with my past and the baggage I carry. I can’t say I ever suffered verbal abuse, at least not at the extreme that you and some of the commentators have mentioned, but I’m not a stranger to abuse. Though I’ve come to terms, or at least been able to face, the sexual abuse and abandonment I suffered, I understand that that kind of pain doesn’t just “go away” or something that you can just “deal with.” But there is a solution, though for people like us it can be the most difficult thing to do, and that it is to confide our trust in another person. By that I mean truly opening yourself up to another person, and allowing them, trusting them, to be able to help you. I’d also suggest getting out of the situation your in. I know that can seem scary and impossible, but it is possible. But things aren’t going to get better if you allow the abuse to continue. The human spirit is very resilient, and you can learn to deal with the pain your in, but you can’t do it all by yourself.
Lastly, I don’t know how obvious this is, but the only reason your mother (and pretty much any verbal abuser) dumps that kind of shit on you is because that’s how she feels about herself. She’s projecting her own negativity on to someone else, and you are unfortunately the target. What she says isn’t true. Forgiving her may be going too far, but remember that she is in a lot of pain herself.
seems we all identify with each otha….its sad…ppl dnt thnk tht emotional abuse is a problem…..my parent nd sista loath my existanc thy treat me lyk shit….iv cmpleted isolatd myslf frm evrythng n evryone….
i truely feel wrthls….nw i recently found out.,i myt hav bipolar disorder….bt my family dnt tke psychological problms serius….
anyone who wants to talk…. mail me..
omphile.senne@gmail.com…
i wud lyk to hear frm anyone
I would say that there is an important optimistic factor here. You know that even if you are going through this now, this is not something here to stay. Time goes by, you finish your studies, move to study in college or get a job and push it back behind you. That is where you should be aiming at. 1/10 is right. It is your mother who is discharging on you., so just ignore her. Ideally if you could hang out with the right friend or friends, that would help you balance the things. It is hard to find too, but definitively worth the number of tries needed. The only thing irretrievable in this life is advanced age. There is no way to repair that. In your case, you seem to be young, so as a teenager. I wish I were in your situation, and I am sure you would not like to be in mine.
hugs