has it all, nothing there

Tonight I needed to do something. I’ve been saying I would speak w/ someone…but I never seem to do it. For years  have felt alone, deserted, desolate, godforsaken, isolated, obscure, off the beaten track, private, quiet, remote, removed, retired, secluded, secret, sequestered, solitary, unfrequented, uninhabited. I despise things around me once I hit that point. Like you all mention in your posts…there’s good days and there’s “those days”. It could be as small as the supermarket not having that one thing I needed to pick up. For get it, there goes my day, my week, my mood, and any one near me. I have a boyfriend-well, a fiance, three cats (my world). Reading how suicide thoughts do not make you a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. But to my other half, well, that’s all he says to me. He’s all I have, is always there for me…yet I feel like I have nothing, and I’m alone. I pray to lean back one day and disappear…maybe it will all end. But it wont go anywhere. I’m still here, waking up to take yet another shower, put makeup on, dress for work, to come straight home. It’s too repetitive!! Reading all the different posts help me realize I’m not so alone, and there’s others that feel similar, and I’m not such a bad person for thinking this way or feeling like it will never get pretty again.