i have no faith in the future

  March 7th, 2010 by ru23

in short here is a list of the bad things that have happened to me in the last 7 years: kicked out of school, diagnosed with crohns disease, developed anorexia, taken advantage of sexually, severe flare up of crohns- complicated operation, recovery from anorexia mentally but noy physically after 4 years of it, grandad died, heart broken, off to university only to have to quit after a month- severe flare up of crohns, eventualy told if i did not have a op to remove a lot of my intestine and have an ileostomy (for god knows how long!!) id die before xmas(dec11) if i did have one i would miss xmas, and not have a normal functioning body. i chose the first, but then got swayed into chosing the latter, being promised my life back and that i would once feel the energy and lack of pain i hadnt felt for so long(since i was 7!!) went through with the op- only to develop severe social phobia, anxiety disorder and depression(which is now mania). and to have many complications- organ failure included and another 2 operations. i then returned to university to start again in september. since then i have been constantly ill, suffered another family loss and have been unhappy constantly. I have had 6 chest infections, foot and mouth, viral gastorentiritus and tonsilitus over the last 6 months. This was my second christmas in a row spent in hospital. i have now had to quit university again. My dads consist of waking up, feeling unwell and not being able to eat/drink/talk without severe pain because of the ulcers everywhere in my mouth. i have no friends around me because everyone is at university, and i am too ill to go out and make more. I have no purpose in life now. My life seems pointless, i wake up just to go back to sleep. I want to be happy so badly, believe me i have tried everything i know of but my health stops me from doing anything. i am in a constant cycle of mental and physical illness’ and i cant break it. I am 19. When is enough, enough? I have waited the last 7years for things to get better, but i havn’t had a break, just more downfall. Please dont judge me wrongly, and assume im ungreatful for what i have. Last year i was in hospital for 4 months, i didnt see grass for that long. I didnt feel the air on my face, didnt know anything other than the sick and dying people around me. I appreciate life. I just am not strong enough anymore to put myself through further physical or mental pain. someone please give me some hope.

i have tried 4 times to dissappear already, i dont want to try again and miss out on what could be a good life. but im young, and the majority of my life has been filled with only pain.

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