in short here is a list of the bad things that have happened to me in the last 7 years: kicked out of school, diagnosed with crohns disease, developed anorexia, taken advantage of sexually, severe flare up of crohns- complicated operation, recovery from anorexia mentally but noy physically after 4 years of it, grandad died, heart broken, off to university only to have to quit after a month- severe flare up of crohns, eventualy told if i did not have a op to remove a lot of my intestine and have an ileostomy (for god knows how long!!) id die before xmas(dec11) if i did have one i would miss xmas, and not have a normal functioning body. i chose the first, but then got swayed into chosing the latter, being promised my life back and that i would once feel the energy and lack of pain i hadnt felt for so long(since i was 7!!) went through with the op- only to develop severe social phobia, anxiety disorder and depression(which is now mania). and to have many complications- organ failure included and another 2 operations. i then returned to university to start again in september. since then i have been constantly ill, suffered another family loss and have been unhappy constantly. I have had 6 chest infections, foot and mouth, viral gastorentiritus and tonsilitus over the last 6 months. This was my second christmas in a row spent in hospital. i have now had to quit university again. My dads consist of waking up, feeling unwell and not being able to eat/drink/talk without severe pain because of the ulcers everywhere in my mouth. i have no friends around me because everyone is at university, and i am too ill to go out and make more. I have no purpose in life now. My life seems pointless, i wake up just to go back to sleep. I want to be happy so badly, believe me i have tried everything i know of but my health stops me from doing anything. i am in a constant cycle of mental and physical illness’ and i cant break it. I am 19. When is enough, enough? I have waited the last 7years for things to get better, but i havn’t had a break, just more downfall. Please dont judge me wrongly, and assume im ungreatful for what i have. Last year i was in hospital for 4 months, i didnt see grass for that long. I didnt feel the air on my face, didnt know anything other than the sick and dying people around me. I appreciate life. I just am not strong enough anymore to put myself through further physical or mental pain. someone please give me some hope.
i have tried 4 times to dissappear already, i dont want to try again and miss out on what could be a good life. but im young, and the majority of my life has been filled with only pain.
1 comment
i’m sorry that you are going through all of this.
i read your whole post and you didn’t happen to mention God. not to be assuming, but are you trying to live without the one thing you need?
there is hope, and i can talk to you all about it if you’ll let me. but also there is a neat little website called givesmehope.com and it can give you some hope, just reading a few little short stories on there (they are all 2-3 sentences long).
please talk to me…. my contact info is at skull09.net
don’t give up on this or anything – don’t ever give up hope, because that will be the defeat of you, and the devil’s victory. despair is a bottomless pit.
take care please, and thank you for reading.