It’s not that I don’t love my friends or my family. I think that’s one of the biggest misconceptions about people who commit or attempt suicide: that they’re not thinking about all the people they’re leaving behind. In fact, if it weren’t for my mother, I don’t know if I would have made it this far. But it’s getting to the point where I need more than just the occasional phone call or lunch date or study session, and I have no real reason to expect that there will ever be more than that.
At this point, I still get out of bed every morning. I still get dressed and go to class, go to work. I still eat regularly and generally take care of myself, and I still pull decent grades, and I still go to bed and try to sleep through the night so I can get up tomorrow and do it all again.
But the more I try to engage in this painful existence that I’m supposed to find sacred, precious, worthwhile, or whatever else, the more pointless it seems. I don’t think I see what’s so special about it anymore.
6 comments
I don’t really have any advice, but I share your feelings. If my family wasn’t still here, I probably wouldn’t be here either. I often wonder if I will end myself once they pass.
But yeah, I can relate to you.. This endless routine.. I work out, eat healthy, dress nice, go to work, come home.. And all for what.. To repeat.. Nobody cares. The only people I talk to on a daily basis either want to sell me crap or it’s just in passing. I seem to have the absolute worst luck when it comes to relationships, hence why I’m all alone. I extremely rarely ever advance on a girl anymore because I get turned down so often (“You’re an awesome guy but..”).. For what it’s worth, I hate where I live, I hate my job, I hate my friends (probably why I avoid people).. I need to make a drastic change to where I can be happy instead of living every day of my life for the past 10+ years in misery.
Maybe that’s similar for you too, I don’t know. I don’t really have any advice. Maybe there’s something missing from your life to make life more worthwhile.
Yeah, I wonder about that too. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Mom.
I’ll admit that I’ve never been in a relationship (or really, any kind of romantic situation). I’m introverted, but it’s not like I never go out or socialize. I don’t understand how so many people are in relationships; the whole process of it just seems to elude me. And then when you ask people, they don’t have any concrete answers, like it’s something that’s just supposed to happen. I don’t get it at all.
But anyway, I’m sorry you feel like this too. Good luck.
this seems to be the most sense i’ve made out of anything in a long while. Too right if i took my life tomorrow i’d be thinking of those who do care about me all the way to the end, its just that i don’t find myself caring about me. Embargo you’ve totally hit the nail on the head a big change just rejeuvinates everything. I had a month away from my normal shit life and never felt happier, and as for relationships i’ve also heard that infamous putdown many a time. And moreover while_im_alone i’ve had one real relationship that lasted all of a week and have never met anyone else foolish enough to date me.
But like u said, things it seems to be are just ‘supposed to happen’. so if I go that must have meant to be, if i stay there must be a reason.
This totally resonated with me because I feel the same way right now. Pretty much everything you said I can relate to. My life isn’t going anywhere, and thinking about this drains my energy and emotion even though my life isn’t actually getting any harder. I struggle to connect with people. The guilt of leaving my family is what keeps me here. What also keeps me here, however, is the realization that there are entire worlds out there that I don’t know anything about. They must be pretty great, and there is so much knowledge to be gained, and this helps me retain some optimism for the future. Still, I have a hard time thinking that things will eventually change and that I will one day walk into one of these wonderful worlds and find a sense of purpose. Mainly, I would like to regain my sense of gratitude and a will to expand myself.
Through quiet ways I am discovering that strong relationships and passions are key to finding some sense of purpose. I don’t want to be useless anymore but don’t know if I have the energy to change. Anyway, I guess I’m trying to say that it’s hard and more people than you’d think feel the same way.
of course all that stuff is pointless. there’s this one guy who figured it allllll out over 3000 years before you did, and i dunno his name but if you talk to me about it, i can tell you about it, and you can read it online for free – it’s like an hour long read maximum.
please talk to me… my contact info is at skull09.net
Just yesterday I got into a huge argument with a girl I went out with a few times. Things seemed like they were actually going great for once, finally.. then out of nowhere she says although she is very attracted to me and sees me as a great catch, she cares about me more than just a boyfriend and would rather be platonic friends because she is bad in relationships and afraid of hurting and losing me. That’s the craziest excuse I’ve ever heard. It makes me feel worse than I did before. I don’t want her as a platonic friend. I don’t work like that. I’m very much a one woman guy. I’m giving up with relationships again.