I know how you feel

  March 9th, 2010 by EternalAbyss

I happened upon this website today, and I’ve been reading some of your stories, and that compelled me to sign up. I want to tell you a bit about me, and why I came here.

I’ll start by telling you a bit about myself: I have a terminal, muscle degenerative condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) – I am in a wheelchair and can’t do much on my own, my muscles are so weak that I can’t even lift a glass of water. I have had many problems in life, physically, mentally and emotionally, from growing up in an abusive household to being forced to live on my own at 17. When I was 14 and my parents had finally split up after years of horror that still affect me today, I became very depressed and started on a downward spiral that eventually led to attempted suicide. The agonizing pain from a messed-up operation when I was 10 was very difficult to deal with, I become addicted and dependant on pain killers, my life at home was hell, and I felt so alone, that I was just a burden on everyone, and that noboby cared and would be much better off without me around – not to mention the daily fights with my mom and having her tell me every day that she hated me and wished she would’ve put me in a home when I was little.

I hid my feelings and  put on a mask for everyone, inside I was so empty and hurting so badly. I cried myself to sleep every night, and just wished that it would all go away and I could be free of the pain and lonliness that filled me completely. When I finally did tell my mom how depressed I was and needed help, I got no compassion; she didn’t even believe in depression and thought it was something you just have to ‘get over’. I was kicked out of the house when I was 17 because my mom’s boyfriend said that either I go, or he does. I had to drop out of highschool just 6 credits shy of graduating, and was forced to live in a care facility where I was neglected, abused, and had my medication stolen. I finally sought help for my depression and was put on anti-depressants, finally got out of that place and got an apartment with my wonderful, loving boyfriend who is now my fiancee. He came into my life at my lowest point – when I thought nobody would ever want to be with me because of my condition – and he truly saved my life, I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for him.

Because of things that happened during my stay at the care facility, I have now been 5 years bed-ridden, but I’m happy. I was given a prognosis as a child of having a 30 year life span, and being 24 that scares me a lot. My whole perspective on life has changed, and I want to do whatever I can with the time I have left. The point of writing this is to tell people that no matter how bad your situation may be, or how helpless and hopeless you feel, anything can change at any moment and turn your life around, and there is always something to look forward to, even something as simple as eating a favourite food. I am thankful for what I have, and I don’t dwell on what I don’t have, as well as focusing on what I can do rather than what I cannot do (I would go completely crazy if I did). I’m thankful to to be alive and for everything/everyone in my life, and I’m so glad that I didn’t end my life when I so desperately wanted to.

I still have bad days, like everyone does, but when I get down I think about all the positive things in my life, and I think about all the people who are much worse off than I, and I remind myself how lucky and grateful I am for what I have and for everything that we often take for granted. I want to help you, please write to me and I promise I will do whatever I can for you. My e-mail is xcreature_of_the_nightx@hotmail.com  You are not alone, and you can turn your life around and be happy, despite how impossible you think it may be. You have a caring, trustworthy friend here for you, I hope to hear from you <3

 

All my love,

Corinne.

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