i wish i were anywhere but here

  March 5th, 2010 by sarla

i have wanted to die off and on since i was 13 years old. i’m 28 now. i have been off an on a/ds for the past several years but they make me physically sick. apparently i get serotonin poisoning! i have so little naturally in my brain that when i take these meds i actually overdose on it.
how ridiculous is that.
these days i’m so low, so tired, so done being here. i want to disappear, to die to vanish and i constantly fantasize about a disaster that will take me away or make me leave.
i can’t talk about it with my husband. he tries to understand but he gets fed up with me, tired of my tiredness and my lack of interest in sex and my apathy. I try for him but all i want is to sink into the floor and die. I get so tired of pretending to be happy.
He went through a period of depression once and tries to tell me that he knows what it’s like, and that he, too, is unhappy with our situation.
He fails to grasp that it is completely, totally fucking different. It’s one thing to be sad when there’s a reason to be sad, to be depressed about your job or when something bad happens.
I am depressed even when everything is all right. My brain is stuffed full of cotton, I can’t think, I can’t eat or smile. It feels so heavy I can barely move and I want to cry all the time. I don’t care about anything and it’s not a matter of snapping out of it, or focusing on positive things, of just “trying to enjoy the time we have together.” It is a matter of wanting to cut off my head and leave it in a dumpster, because that’s the only way I feel I can escape this crushingly miserable existence.
My brain is trying to kill me, and I don’t know what to do about it.

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