i have wanted to die off and on since i was 13 years old. i’m 28 now. i have been off an on a/ds for the past several years but they make me physically sick. apparently i get serotonin poisoning! i have so little naturally in my brain that when i take these meds i actually overdose on it.
how ridiculous is that.
these days i’m so low, so tired, so done being here. i want to disappear, to die to vanish and i constantly fantasize about a disaster that will take me away or make me leave.
i can’t talk about it with my husband. he tries to understand but he gets fed up with me, tired of my tiredness and my lack of interest in sex and my apathy. I try for him but all i want is to sink into the floor and die. I get so tired of pretending to be happy.
He went through a period of depression once and tries to tell me that he knows what it’s like, and that he, too, is unhappy with our situation.
He fails to grasp that it is completely, totally fucking different. It’s one thing to be sad when there’s a reason to be sad, to be depressed about your job or when something bad happens.
I am depressed even when everything is all right. My brain is stuffed full of cotton, I can’t think, I can’t eat or smile. It feels so heavy I can barely move and I want to cry all the time. I don’t care about anything and it’s not a matter of snapping out of it, or focusing on positive things, of just “trying to enjoy the time we have together.†It is a matter of wanting to cut off my head and leave it in a dumpster, because that’s the only way I feel I can escape this crushingly miserable existence.
My brain is trying to kill me, and I don’t know what to do about it.
6 comments
even people with lots of serotonin are lacking happiness, really – because all of the happy things of this world are always fading, and they’re often very meaningless. in fact, with the way the world thinks – life is meaningless. it’s all about experiences. experience sky diving, experience a marriage, experience driving a nice car, raising a family, etc…….. it’s really stupid. without useless and meaningless desires for these things, it is better – but only if you Know better than what the world knows and teaches. the meaning of life is to follow your conscience. i know that God Can, and if you seek Him, WILL give you happiness. it is His own promise to all who will listen and follow Him, and it works for me and a few of my friends who listen to Him too.
please talk to me… my contact info is at skull09.net
thank you for reading
Erhm, I probably can’t help, since I’m pretty sad myself. But if you’re miserable anyway, have you tried charity work? Just figured, like, if everything hurts, maybe it could take your mind off it just a teeny-weeny bit. Just an idea. All the best, and you can write me if you want: muspelhem@hotmail.com
@k3t: i know about God. i was raised catholic. i talk to him sometimes.
i am not depressed because i don’t have a ferrari. in fact, the hilarious irony is that i have everything i want–my dream job, a perfect husband, and a loving family. people think i’m pretty, and talented, and i have good friends. i wasn’t abused as a child. in fact it was an idyllic childhood by most standards. i am not rich, but i have enough money to buy what i want, and i’m not even so interested in material things.
but i also have always, always been sad and for a very long time, wished to die despite my good fortune. or blessings, as you might call them. i want to die, and nobody, including me, can understand why. THAT is the problem.
@muspelhem: thanks and it’s a great idea. i have a lot of trouble getting out of the house… but i’ll try. i hope you feel happier today. xo
sarla,
are you catholic now? simply knowing about God isn’t gonna make you happier…and having all those things you have – it’s no surprise that you’re unhappy. knowing about God? that’s nothing, even the devil knows about God. do you know God well? you need to be close to Him. have you ever read parts of the Bible before?
sarla- is it that you are bored?
@ sarla: Thanks, I do 🙂
How are you doing?