I’m going round in circles.

March 2nd, 2010by lostthewill

I just want it all to stop.  I don’t want to die, I don’t want to commit suicide, I just want it all to stop.  I want the silence, the absence of the pain.  I don’t want to cry any more, I don’t want to be angry.  I just want blackness and nothing. 

I work in an industry I detest, with a boss who is a bully.  My peers in other firms are quick to criticise, and I have no support from my boss.  I am routinely humiliated in front of others.  I know that he does this to assert his power, and when he is stressed himself.  He doesn’t realise that this doesn’t help the situation, it leads to more stress, less work and as a result, more complaints.  Clients are quick to complain, but never quick to praise.  They think that they are my only client, and that I should drop everything to see them/take their calls, etc, and when I can’t, they criticise.  It is difficult to take holidays – and when I do, I get calls or asked to come in.  I was made redundant in 2008, and was unable to secure other work for 12 months due to the recession.  I took my current job out of necessity, and it meant me moving over 600 miles away, to another country, away from friends and family.  I had to lodge in the new country, whilst my family packed for me, as I had to start straight away and wasn’t allowed leave.  Then the house I was due to move into fell through, and I had to secure temporary alternative accomodation.  Then my cat died.  Then the house I moved into next had a fire, and smells of amonia where the previous tenants dogs were locked in.  But I had to move anyway.  My belongings are in boxes in one room of the house, and I am shattered from moving myself.  I told my boss all the work that was outstanding on Friday, and (knowing that I was moving and had Monday off) he said that I should come in at the weekend.  So, even if I do get a day off, he wants it back again.  Then when I came into work today, my boss started on me straight away.  He is so unreasonable.  I am teetering on the edge, I cry alot, I shout, I scream primally, I can’t stand up.  I am trying to work out whether I suffer from PMDD or BPD, but the end result is the same – the depression, the self loathing, the anger, the pain.  I am probably not making a great deal of sense, as it is all a whirl at the moment.  I have just had such a lot piled on that I am finding it difficult to cope.  I’ve lost a job, moved house twice, lost my best friend, am being bullied, am “in between” meds (can’t get appointment until Thursday) and really struggling to stay alive.  I am having palpitations, my chest feels tight.  I can’t afford to leave this Island and will be homeless and jobless if I do, but if I quit my job (which I know is what’s needed) I can’t afford to stay either.  I’m so very tired of struggling and need it all to stop.

UPDATE: 3.3.10:  Thank you for your comments – especially the insightful one about being sensitive.  I have a big problem in that area, and feel responsible for situations where perhaps I shouldn’t.  So, the following didn’t really help…….

I’ve been signed off sick for 2 weeks, and put back on meds.  I am scared that I will spiral down again, and I am fighting it as much as I can.  I don’t know if I have the strength any more.  When I went in to work with the sick note, I was told that sick note or no sick note, I was expected at work during working hours for the next two weeks, and not only that but I was to work weekends too so that I could bring in more money.  If I took the 2 weeks sick, I was told that the practice would fold, staff would lose their jobs, and it would be all my fault.  How can one person, who is already at a low point, be expected to take on the responsibility for that too?  It’s all too much.  I am so very very tired of fighting to stay above water, I just want to stop kicking and finally drown.  Maybe then I’ll have the peace I so desperately crave.

UPDATE: 4/3/10.

Well, my [insert appropriate expletive here] of a boss physically assaulted me today.  He is a Barrister, and I am a Lawyer – he should know better.  But I am thankful.  It gave me the anger and determination I needed to tell himwhere to stick his bloody job and walk out.  He gave me the will to fight.  I am probably running on adrenaline right now, but I feel better than I have in a long time.  My pain wasn’t caused solely by my job, but that was the only thing I had no control over.  Now I am relieved that it is over.  The battle continues, but I have one less demon to fight.  I no longer crave the nothingness, for the moment.  I know it will return, but for now I can allow myself to heal. 

I hope that everyone else who has told their story here finds the strength to continue breathing – just day to day is ok.  Give yourselves the love and support you all deserve, and know that I care.

ltw x

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