Indifference.

Let’s pretend I put something here that caught your interest and made you want to keep reading.

I am average, or below average in my opinion. In my mind I have never done anything worth while, nor do I think I ever will. There is nothing for me to aim for, nothing I am passionate about or wish to learn. To a few people I’ve spoke to about it I say I feel like a ‘non-entity’, I lack my own unique identity. I guess that that’s kind of a stupid way to put it since that is basically being non-existant but I use to think I was someone, that I was me and different and separate from everyone. Now I don’t, now I feel less. Always less.

So feeling like I am less then human I look around with a certain amount of distaste, disillusionment and disgust. I feel like the world and humanity itself is failing, or flailing and I myself am no better. At the same time though I think that since I feel this way I should try better, be better! But I find I still do nothing.

My mind constantly dribbles on about nothing, about everything and anything, always noise and none of it making sense. I go through periods of time where I cannot sleep and constantly forget to eat. I’ve stopped watching TV or listening to music, the internet is seldom used for anything other then msn or email checking and my phone never rings any more. I’ve slowly started detaching from people, alienating myself from the world.

Why can’t I just disappear? Oh, no, not yet. What would the point be? I find myself at a point where I don’t fear going out at night, that alleys don’t pose a threat because I am so utterly at odds with myself that I feel no need for self preservation. That is the saddest, most disturbing realisation of my life, that I have lost the capacity to feel. That I’ve gotten to the point where I am indifferent to myself.

There is one thing that occupies my time, makes me feel something, really feel it. Even if it is a bad feeling, even if I feel sad every time I think of that person. At least I can, and in a twisted way I feel happy about it. With them, I don’t have to pretend, act happy or laugh at the right moments. They get it, they can feel the numbness within themselves and have like me, accepted it and turned cold and distant to the world.

I remind them of themselves and they feel the need to make me better because they know they will never be. And I will make them better because I know I can’t be.