Lost People I Love

  March 12th, 2010 by schmoo

I am 39, almost 40. Married for 9 years to a wonderful man who was not my soulmate and we tore each other apart eventually.. verbally, emotionally. Grew up longing for nothing more than the perfect family, had it and threw it away. Let my daughter choose where to live and since I didn’t have a better more stable place (I jumped into an emotionally damaging and financially straining relationship before my marriage was even over), she now lives with her daddy. My own immediate family will always think of me as the black sheep; they are very conservative and religious; and they actually value my ex husb’s friendship more than mine. I am not close and warm with any of my four closest relatives. I feel judged and upset that they never tried that hard to be close to me in the first place, and now invite my ex to come see them with my daughter. And my mom comes over and talks to him for hours; loves him like her sons. Meanwhile, my horribly draining relationship of 2 years ended with me tired of fighting & dumping my bf and asking him to move out–he then harassed me and followed me to work and I had to contact the police.. he came very close to being arrested from his workplace. then he comes to me for help with emotional problems and I am kind enough to do everything I can for him.. He starts seeing another woman and still comes over and treats me like a booty call on the weekends and now he practically lives with her and owes me $280 plus. He keeps saying he will pay me back. I don’t even care. I need to forget he ever existed. I have very few close friends.. hardly no girlfriends.. and I have tried dating to get my mind off of this. My latest attempt now treats me like a booty call. I feel sad and worthless and alone. And I don’t see it ever getting better. My job is very politically demeaning if that makes sense.. office drama is at an all-time high and it has been my hardest year ever there as well. I am tired and sick on the weekends and there is little to no relief or outlet for my stress and grief. By becoming involved with other men I am only making myself worse–yet I long for the love I can never achieve. I want and need it so badly. It’s all I ever wanted–to feel accepted and loved. I have never been on the fringe of society–I am a basically honest generous giving person and I have lost my very best two girlfriends and I feel like I am permanently emotionally damaged. Depression has been nearly a life-long struggle and Prozac just isn’t helping enough. Sometimes I truly feel there is no hope and I can only see my future becoming bleaker.. What if I lose my job (the only job in this area that pays decent for my qualifications?), what if I never find love and have to watch my ex find the love of his life? When my daughter grows up in 7 years.. will he even talk to me? He’s the only man that has ever cared about me enough to help me through anything and I totally blew it being ungrateful and selfish and needy. I looked to him for all my happiness and it put a horrible strain on him. I know deep down I am a worthy,d eserving person and I shouldn’t look to others for validation… but the lack thereof depresses the hell out of me just the same. One day I have four men text me and tell me I’m hot and want to go out with me. A week later I am high and dry and feeling inexplicably lonely and desperate and worthless. I know just enough psychology and have just enough self-esteem to know & common sense to know how bad of shape I am really in.. I do not know how to fix these things.. I feel very ill-equipped emotionally and am torn somewhere in between wanting to be angry and stand up for myself as a person and begging everyone around me for mercy and realizing I am blessed as it is and I do not deserve even what I do have in life. I have a wonderful daugther who needs me.. am I even capable of being a good mother to her? I feel like no one in the world would truly miss me if I was gone with the exception of her.. and what if she is just too young to know better?

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