I have contemplated suicide way too many times to count. Never anything too violent because i wouldn’t want to embarrass my corps. My mother was a victim to suicide in 2001. It was accidental, so i was told. We had a great mother daughter night the night before and i really felt like i had my mother back. she had been in and out of jail tons of times. but this time i really felt like she was mine. Until i woke up. The last thing i remember of my mother was her rubbing my back to make me fall asleep next to her. When i woke up she was cold and stiff. I was only 10 years old so i wasn’t really sure what happened. i went out and got my grandfather and i said “mommy wont wake up” and he walked in there and i heard a heartfelt yell.Â This is where my life began to fall apart. Nobody in my family could possible understand what i was going through. why did she have to kill herself next to me?! why did she have to make me feel so safe and loved and then take it all away from me. After that night i would never feel the same about life. I think the value of life is worthless.Â I see myself gone from existence within the next ten years. if that. I keep my razor blade in a book in the bottom of my closet. i have so many scars on my thighs from slashing away every time i cry. feeling the pain makes me forget about all the shit in this world. feeling the blood run down my leg is a feeling like no other.Â i sit on my closet floor and just stare at the blood for hours. i have tried 5 years of counseling but after that i was on my own. therapists don’t do anything to help me. i am 18 now and still don’t know what the hell i am doing here.