I have contemplated suicide way too many times to count. Never anything too violent because i wouldn’t want to embarrass my corps. My mother was a victim to suicide in 2001. It was accidental, so i was told. We had a great mother daughter night the night before and i really felt like i had my mother back. she had been in and out of jail tons of times. but this time i really felt like she was mine. Until i woke up. The last thing i remember of my mother was her rubbing my back to make me fall asleep next to her. When i woke up she was cold and stiff. I was only 10 years old so i wasn’t really sure what happened. i went out and got my grandfather and i said “mommy wont wake up” and he walked in there and i heard a heartfelt yell. This is where my life began to fall apart. Nobody in my family could possible understand what i was going through. why did she have to kill herself next to me?! why did she have to make me feel so safe and loved and then take it all away from me. After that night i would never feel the same about life. I think the value of life is worthless. I see myself gone from existence within the next ten years. if that. I keep my razor blade in a book in the bottom of my closet. i have so many scars on my thighs from slashing away every time i cry. feeling the pain makes me forget about all the shit in this world. feeling the blood run down my leg is a feeling like no other. i sit on my closet floor and just stare at the blood for hours. i have tried 5 years of counseling but after that i was on my own. therapists don’t do anything to help me. i am 18 now and still don’t know what the hell i am doing here.
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Im so sorry that that happened to you.
I know what you mean, having that one person really making the connection work again then . . . BAM!!! Their gone in a heartbeat. I’ve had promises broken and lies told. They said they were ok, they said they weren’t going anywhere, then next thing I know . . . I’m looking down at them in their grave. Crying my worthless silent tears.
Christina Louise………first I want to say GOD BLESS your very beloved Mother……. next………GOD BLESS your sweet broken heart and SOUL. Have you EVER gone to see anyone professional, a psycologist, a school counselor, if you have a church that you attend a pastor or minister. Sweetie, killing yourself will not help it will only deprive the ENTIRE WORLD around you of the beautiful, intellingent, sweet, kind, compassionate woman you are going to (and continue) to grow to be. You are still grieving……….even after 8 years people think “ahhhhhh she should be over it….well NOT” A Mother/Daughter bond is VERY special. As far as why she killed herself while you were laying next to her is she was probably emotionally and mentally distraught and she felt very SAFE with you. Please Christina Louise, please seek assistance to talk out your ever-present grief. “It” will never go away, and your Mother is with you always, although going to see someone to talk with about your grief will allow you to see what an INCREDIBLE young woman you are and you have an ENTIRE lifetime ahead of you. PLEASE……talk to someone who can help. You are in my heart. Jen 🙂
i would love to help you, if you would talk to me. my contact info is at skull09.net
i’m really sorry that the memories aren’t fading. i know who can help you make the fade
please talk to me.
and take care, too
hey i know how you feel. we all hae our stories. im about the same age as you and have some similar issues. my email is robert.monwell@gmail.com lets talk and see if maybe we can help eachother get over our pasts. im here for you.
One can go to pieces by reading the story. I have taken 10 minutes before I could write this next line. Well, at one point you say that the death was accidental. There is one big difference in there. But even if you think that she did away with herself, you should not regard that as an act of carelessness or so. Sometimes people feel that they are hurting others with their troubles more than if they were not there, and also at moments of crisis, they cannot see clearly. In their minds, they may do it out of love without realising that it can cause more pain. That is, if she had had a rough life as you said, coming from jail tons of times, she probably suffered a lot every time she was sent to jail and lost contact with you. I would never encourage anybody to commit suicide, on the contrary, would do my best to avoid it. However, I understand that each individual has his or her resources and do the best they can. Therefore, I would not come up with comments of “how could he”! or how could she! Some people can lift 250 kgs from the floor, others only 10. So, anybody does what he/she can, and by this token, you dont need to ask yourself “why would she have to do it?” You would not ask an old person why dont you lift 250 kgs up your head if Vasily Alekseyev can? The answer is that everybody is different and finds him/herself in different circumstances.
Now, naturally, this is easily explained. However, the shock at the age of 10 was hard to assimilate. And the so frequent act of cutting is a way of consolation of “love” with oneself in an intimate comunion that persons in deep sadness experience. This does not mean the person is insane at all. It means a sane person in a situation of deep sadness. Therefore, we have to work on the causes to eliminate the effects. For a start, try to replace the blade with ice cubes in a bag. They numb the area but will not hurt . At best, throw away the blades and razors. Second thing, we have a project of finding a right therapist. Someone that you like. Be selective. They are good at dealing with those kind of things because that is what they have learned at the school of medicine. The second most important project is yourself, a beautiful young lady of 18 years with all her life ahead of her. You will someday find your wonderful boyfriend, husband and have kids. I recommend quite a few, like 5 or 6. Fill the house with kids crawling all over.
And if I have not been able to find the appropriate words, forgive please my lack of talent. I may be one of those person who cannot lift 250 kgs either.
warm greetings
Alvaro