A little introduction. This forum is the closest thing to a suicide forum that I could find so here I am. And speaking for at least myself here: If you think that my posts are a cry for help, then accept that I don’t want your help. In fact it’s people like you that do the opposite of what everyone asks you to do that creep me to death (pun intended). Repeat: I do not want your help, this is not a cry for help. If someone spams me with a 1-800-number or reminds me that my coming absence will be hurting people realize you need to keep your pity to yourself because personally it makes me sick. I have enough guilt and shame in my life without you shoving it down my neck that even my final day will be a disaster. I am suicidal in a non-artificial way, and I am glad. Fuck my life, fuck this world, you can take it and keep it because whichever and you wouldn’t know pain if it came up and bit you.
A side issue. You nice folks out there that are talking about jumping off of cliffs, taking aspirins, lying down in front of trains, etc. need to do a little bit more homework and I don’t mean algebra. Personally I am going for an inert gas as my self-deliverance method and I’m sure it’ll be quite a bit more painless than having my tendons and skin ripped grinded and jackhammered in between steel rails and the wheels of a train. And as far as gases go there are several options that I am contemplating for myself; carbon monoxide, helium, hydrogen sulfide, nitrous oxide, etc. Now that’s what I call options.
I would go on and tell about my story but I could fill a whole book about that nonsense. Long story short I am done. Everything I touch turns to shit, much like how it’s gone for many of you from what it sounds like. My efforts at sobriety, family, career, education, religion, have all failed horribly and I am left wondering why is it exactly that God could do this to me. I am left out in the cold with no options, as whichever options I would try is bound to fail anyways. I already know this and I am tired of it. My final conclusion is that this world has endless rewards for the unjust, and severely punishes the honest good people.  I am done and I have been done for quite some time, all I seem to do is haunt wherever I “live” as I have for the last couple of decades. If I don’t post again for whatever reason, I wish you all the best, and just know that you are not alone. For me I’ve been suicidal for a long time, but there was always a bright day after a dark night in the past for me, that’s what got me through, apparently not any more though. Bright days are a thing of the past for me now and if you can find one then I’d say go for it, if not then so be it too, know that you are not alone either way, from GEDs to Ph.Ds people are leaving in droves. I’ve already got my exit song (Down Colorful Hill by the Red House Painters).
Well I hope this helps someone at least.
All comments are welcome except for the fake empathy of those who spam 1-800 numbers and feel the twisted need to remind me that my absence will cause some pain to others.
130 comments
My song is Bob Dylan’s “it ain’t dark yet.”
Yeah I know what you mean about the pity part, it makes you feel worse than it does to make you feel better
Haha, don’t worry I have done my homework properly. I have read story from someone complaining “Breathing helium is not as good as it is supposed to be, I felt like shit” another “Carbon monoxide can be pretty unpleasant experience” And my family will be asking – why the hell I have a big bottle of helium or nitrous oxide in my room and plastic bag? So I consider inert gas method to be the same reliable as gunshot to head or train. What if someone will find you few minutes after you will pass away and you will end up in hospital alive but with serious brain damage due to lack of oxygen but consciousness. Nothing is fool-proof, but everyone has it’s own preferences and I agree the inert gas is one of the best methods. btw. Crash – you vs. train in 70 miles per hour will lead to instant unconsciousness and I don’t care if I will be ripped apart after that.
My song will be “For my pain – Autumn harmony” or Him – Join me in death or Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart. Damn so many good songs about death.
Hey, I could really relate to your posting more than the ones where the people feel hurt, or sad, or angry (not taking anything away from them but they seem like they are depressed and could really benefit from counseling if they try it). I never thought I was supposed to make it past maturity, back in my youth that meant 21. I have three teenagers now, and am still waiting for the exit. It seems that you understand that this is Satan’s domain, and that life is not really fair. At least that is what I have concluded. With that, I also know that God is in charge of everything. And He could have made it end a long time ago for me -if that was supposed to happen. I am not going to question God’s wisdom of when my time to go is, because after all, He is the one I am going to be standing in front of in the end. I will have some explaining to do if I tried to end it early. What works for me when I think about ending it, and what I can suggest is -try to give something, like helping poor people or be really nice to someone… it makes me feel like my time is being spent more wisely when I do it. Do some good while you wait for your time to come, and when it does you will at least feel you left with some good attributed to your soul.
Lol I like rooftops. I know it’s not about death but it makes me cry
I also like linkin park songs. And the song point/counterpoint
Well I see that you don’t really care about how you are affecting the ones that love you, so I will just say that I’m going to pray for you to give yourself another chance.
Well thanks for the comments, advice, and prayers everyone. Luckily no one broke the pity rule, and I appreciate that. Just saying I don’t even want to be talked out of this or anything, I mean if I wanted to live then I would keep on living, and I think it’s not much more complex than that. As for me my plan is to stick around for another 1-6 months, something like that, enough time for me to have fun in any way I can and to think about everything. I may even try a couple things like starting my own landscaping co. and seeing if I can generate an income for myself doing that. If nothing works out which is likely to be the case then God will be giving me a clear message. So my whole effort in being here is to spend some time with others who have decided they’ve had enough of life as well.
Entity – Yes I see what you mean about not feeling it as a train going 70 mph hits you, and if that’s how you want to go then who am I to judge it. But all I’m saying is I’ve been researching methods for a lot of years now and I’ve found that there’s more to it than so & so’s failed attempt.
Hell I’ve screwed up a few suicide attempts myself in the past and have definitely learned my lesson from it. I overdosed on codeine and went out of body, but unfortunately survived. I overdosed on anti-anxiety benzodiazepine pills and felt so sick that I called the paramedics myself, they took me to the ER where I had my stomach pumped, charcoal shoved down my throat and my veins flushed out with water, oh yeah and a $3,000 bill for that vacation. So much for that bright idea. I tried helium a couple years back and it was sort of unpleasant. I wasn’t losing consciousness fast enough so it afforded too much time, enough for my conscience to get the better of me and my deciding to give life one more try. And what a nightmare that turned out to be. If I would’ve known then how shitty my life was about to get I would’ve kept on with the process. So there is no more room for error now, and luckily I have done my homework. Doctors prefer overdosing on barbiturates but they have that readily available unlike most of us. So a concentration of 1,000-2,000 ppm of h2s inside of my car is a method that I doubt anyone could beat, it is likely to be as painless and peaceful a dying process as is humanly possible, losing consciousness within 10 seconds or so and then just dying in my sleep within a few minutes afterwords.
Steven – Nice choice with that Bob Dylan song, it sums up a big part of how I feel far better than most songs can; I may play it just before Down Colorfull Hill on my way out stage left.
Just wanted to share a few more songs that I’ve been playing recently and which have gotten me through the last few years (which is quite a statement that anything could have gotten me through). And if they got me through the worst then maybe they could help someone on here for a day or two at least. Some of these might surprise you so I’d recommend watching all of them when you have some spare time. I much prefer the album versions to these songs rather than the live concert versions. I’m just going to title them the way they’re titled on youtube to simplify things:
Spiritualized ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space
Explosions in the sky – First breath after coma
Radiohead – Street spirit (fade out)
Lonely planet – The the
God bless our dead marines — A silver mt. zion
Billy Joel – Leningrad
The wallflowers – One headlight
Red house painters – Song for a blue guitar
Official song of Lost! – Coldplay – Viva la vida
Muse- Ruled by secrecy
Can’t help falling in love- UB40
Sam cooke – Wonderful world
Zero 7 ~ This world
Zero 7 – Likufanele
B-Tribe 5 – Angelic voices imagenes luis royo
Kenji williams – Death and rain
Golden mind (hemi-sync binaural beats)
I could go on and on but I guess I’ll stop there. I tried to take the best song though from each album. If any of you want to share some of your favorite songs feel free to do it here if you want. I’ll check them out. I can’t guarantee that I’ll like all of them of course, just like you probably wont like all of my favorites. But I still think it’s something fun and therapeutic for all of us to do during these times.
Gosh I totally resonate with the line “Everything I touch turns to shit.”
I can hold down a job, but that’s it. Every other ambition in life I have strived for turned to shit, sometimes because of my own actions but usually due to divine intervention.
Really.
I think I’m only 60% suicidal at this point, but if it gets bad enough, I will change my life drastically before I do it.. (ie. my “last ditch effort”)
Oh, and my song would be- another one bites the dust 🙂
Another one bites the dust, oh man, had to lol at that one.
I heard you on all of it, that last ditch effort part as well. I’m going to give life one more go and I do mean one, because I feel that, just like the Chinese philosopher Lin Yutang said in The Importance of Living: “The unhappy life is simply not worth living.”
If you can hold down a job (happily) then honestly I think that there is hope for you. I can’t seem to hold one down. I never seem to get along with my coworkers, I am always the oddball depressed creep that cares more about working than about talking. This is why my last ditch effort is going to be me trying to start my own landscaping business. If I can generate some kind of income from it, even if it’s just $500/month, then I may stick around. The freedom of working for myself should be enough to keep me happy.
Honestly something somebody said on this forum a bit ago is what has given me some hope again. They were saying that maybe their suicidal tendencies aren’t the problem, maybe the problem are the things which make them suicidal in the first place and the level of “care” that they’ve been getting by “professionals”. That made me contemplate my own philosophies and now I feel better. I am still 90% suicidal though, very fragile, all it would take for me now is one more really bad day and there might not ever be another post by Haunts All. I was thinking earlier today how nice it would be if we all on this forum knew each other in person. But alas we’re stuck living around and with the people who make us manic, depressed, and suicidal it seems. When I’ve made friends with other suicidal people and we tried living together, more often than not, things worked out beautifully for a time. Maybe that’s because, like someone else on here was saying earlier, it’s because we are more sensitive to our environment. I hope things work out for you and I’ll be around for a while yet so that you can share with me if you want.
Hauts All: Train method is not how I want to go, it’s only method how I can go. Shitty society will not give me another option. I can only pray it won’t be very painful. Maybe I will cause psychical trauma to engineer of that train and a lot of people will be affected with it but at least that’s my revange to all society for not let me go peacefully. If there is legal method to do it then it would be better and easier for everyone, but these morons will never realize that.
Entity – I used to sit near the tracks and drink and contemplate stepping in front of a train but I just couldn’t do it. In my local area many school kids are doing it lately though. I think there were like 5-10 who died this way just last year here. I took 300 klonopins once and as I said I got so sick that I had to call the medics. As a side effect from that botched attempt I got chronic primary insomnia; I could not sleep for 60 days. During that time I saw a side of life that no one should ever see, I am permanently psychologically scarred from it. I thought that I would never be able to sleep again and my mind went to suicide, my mind had visions of blades slashing through my wrists, I felt my stomach drop as I saw myself jumping off of skyscrapers, whenever I’d walk over a freeway overpass I’d spend a few minutes looking down at the cars and wonder how it’d feel really if I jumped. I can sleep now but those thoughts I was never able to turn off. My stomach still drops as I leap off of a mile-high building and see the city lights from the traffic scene on the hard concrete far below. Every morning I wake up and I feel so much shame, grief, and pain, I can feel it all physically, concentrated just above my stomach at the lower part of where my breastplates meet. I have my coffee and cigarette to distract my mind from the pain as I start another manic day of recreation, as I don’t see the point in doing anything “productive”. Would you want to live out your final days dropping off applications at McDonald’s? No, me neither.
It only breaks my heart and makes me suicidal that much more the fact that we can’t just freely share suicide methods online with each other. I am sick to death of this surveilled big brother world, where no one can have a gun rack on their truck because somebody might get hurt, where stupid yuppies on bicycles wearing spandex are on the look out for terrorists at all times with their cell phones ready, they so easily believe what the helevision box tells them but that they think they are good and intelligent only makes it that much more worse. I am sick of this “safe” padded room reality we are living in. Go 5 mph over the speed limit and get a $200 ticket, because we aren’t adult enough to know when we can go a bit over the speed limit. They built jails for everyone “for your own good” where half of the people in them are innocent and only got high. No different than a witch hunt. I’m not going to suck ass for money, life isn’t great enough to merit such things. I am so empty and scarred now I don’t even care about the important things. I have become that which I hated. This world is so cold I swore I’d never become my abusive parents but the world squeezed and squeezed until I had nothing left to do but lash out. I am a monster, I am grim, I am the devil himself. But I am not proud of it, I am tired of this world. Fuck it, fuck this world, put on my song and turn the light out before you go, when someone turns it on again there will be nothing there. I am a brain damaged ghost, and everyone can tell. Why are you feeling like ending it Entity, if you don’t mind my asking?
Man your last paragraph hits the nail on the head with me again.
I actually love the world and life in general, I just hate the people and the constraints society has on us. Personally I think I would’ve preferred living several thousands of years ago like with a tribe or something.
I do hold down a job but I hate my job. I want to quit so badly. Most of my life is spent either in my cubicle or my tiny apartment. I suppose I have a few hours of free time every day but not much to really make use of. So round and round I go, office, home, office, home, repeat for eternity. No way to live.
What’s funny is I’m also the “oddball depressed creep that cares more about working than about talking.” I have gone through work many days without having spoken to a single person. I hate mundane conversation especially with people I don’t care about. But unfortunately my boss relocated me to a different cube that is by the main walkway so now evvveryone says hi to me or stops to chat .. groan.
I used to work for myself but I think I didn’t ever enjoy it. I liked the money, just not the work haha. I definitely didn’t take it serious enough. I especially didn’t enjoy getting phone calls at 2am while on vacation. Unless you hire people, you never get to clock out.
What brings me here and my biggest problem is making relationships. Recently the longest/best relationship of my life came to a sudden end for no apparent reason, no trigger. She just won’t talk to me anymore and I’m confused what happened over the course of a few days to go from a fantastic friendship to nothing. I’m devastated. I can’t imagine my life without her, even as just a friend. I’m TERRIBLE at relationships. Things like this happen to me all the time and I’m sick of it.
I seem to be an ace at repelling people who interest me and attracting people I hate. I’m sick and tired of being alone and tired of feeling like I’m not accepted. I do try sometimes but it just doesn’t work. I find it hard to find things to talk about. I don’t care about sports, I don’t watch TV, I don’t read books, and I dislike most music that 90% of people like. Mostly I enjoy traveling, just not traveling alone 🙁
I think what also hurts me is people make assumptions about you by your look and they are often very wrong about me but I’m not given the chance to prove myself, not that I “need” to, but again I’m sick of it. I must give off the wrong signals. Blah. Rant over.
@Haunts All: I wish i could go off a city building, at least i’d enjoy myself before the landing (I’d do it just as the sun is bout to disappear), unfortunately I have no idea how to get there, never been. i got no access to a gun, i’d like to use h2s but afraid i’d be stuck in my house if I become a ghost. so far the only best foolproof method I’ve come up with is to go straight for my jugular vein.
I wish there were a legal place to go end it so we don’t have to go out so dramatically
Good rant. I fully relate to that, as you can see by my song selection the chances of anyone liking those songs in the 9 to 5 world is ridiculous, hilarious at best. Traveling is also what I love, and I’ve done it by myself for years. I once got a $3,000 tax return and lived on it for two years while living in my car traveling the country. I lived in California, Utah, Mexico, Oklahoma, Iowa, Tennessee, and spent time in New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Wyoming, South Dakota, Colorado, I took only the “scenic byways” and completely avoided the interstates. I took my time, it was cleansing. best thing I ever did. Highlights of the trip were northern New Mexico, Bryce Canyon National Park, the Badlands and Black Hills of South Dakota, Bighorn Mountains and countryside in Wyoming around Cody, and oddly enough the desert of Nevada was sort of beautiful to me. I could easily see myself running around the forest naked with a spear, being fully happy yet having no smile on my face. I’ll type more later but I’m sort of worn out from my earlier rant. I am sick of the grey rain, the news said that this should be the last storm before the weather warms up, all I know is it better be.
I’m a guy and I’m straight, but this song is the most beautiful song Ive ever heard (sorry I forgot to put it my previous comment)
Utada Hikuru – Sanctuary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7LMZHDpGnU
I found your post to be amazing. I don’t think I could stretch $3k to last me 2 years but I totally want to do something like that.
2 Haunt All: Why I feel like ending it? That’s good question. I have a social phobia (not clinically diagnosed but I have every known sign for it). That leads me to avoid to deal with people as much as possible. So my life is restricted to work – home – work – home…. Nothing besides that and even in work sometimes I feel like I will chop my head just to stop feelings. As a result I have no friends, no girlfriend, literally no one if I don’t count my family. I feel like shit most of the time. I have lost my interest in everything what was making me feel better before. My mood is often changing rapidly from sad to angry, then happy, anxious, desparate. I’m completely confused most of the time. I don’t know what I want. Only thing I want is to not feel anything. I don’t know what the heck is problem with me I can’t recognize myself anymore. When did I change so much? I only want to sleep forever, never wake up anymore, but I’m scared shitless of dying and also from living. I’m parody on existence. Funny thing is I was so happy some 5 years ago even if I hadn’t any friend in that time.
If you are reading this you will probably say WTF? Man, get a life, find a friends, try to find a psychologist or anything, you are pathetic with your problems which are actually no problems. But I can’t. I’m weak pathetic parody of existence in this empty, selfish world, which should be dead alredy.
Open message to Haunts and Others:
If decide to use a gas or chemical inside of your car to die, please leave a note on the windows warning the EMS/Fire/Police and anyone else who finds your car telling them what is inside. I’m okay with you exercising your choice to die because you have the free will to do so. What I don’t believe you deserve is the right to take someone else’s life. Leave one or more notes with large (sharpie) letters, “DO NOT OPEN, _____ GAS or CHEMICAL INSIDE. Then responders will know to leave you as you are and call a HAZMAT team to remove your (already dead) body so that no one else dies trying to “save” you. Recent events like this have seriously injured or killed emergency responders. I am with EMS/FIRE, I don’t want to die because you chose to. Save MY life with NOTES taped to the window’s of the car written in permanent marker.
Thank you and good luck.
Bill
I’d just like to share a ray of hope I’ve gotten lately. Some people took me out to the gym today, I just got back, and it felt so nice to sit in a steam room like that, shower off, go swimming, go back into the steam room and sweat. I started feeling better about my situation, this gym had a family atmosphere and felt so peaceful. This got me to thinking. Perhaps what all of us need is a vacation. We need to be treated to a good time, with whatever that might mean for us as individuals, if you’re a loner then you need to treat yourself to a good time. Some kind of vacation to get your mind off of the shit. I’ve been thinking about my situation and what it is exactly that I want out of life. I don’t really want a girlfriend I’ve realized, I mean that would be nice but for my depression it’s probably not the best thing for me. I give women way too much power over my mind and mood, all it takes is one mean-spirited sentence from them and my heart breaks, it’s pathetic. I simply want a lot of money and I want it now. So I’m starting to put real thought to getting one of the “dangerous jobs” out there, one of them that pays pretty well, if you think about it, what could be better for a suicidal person? Making a lot of money and enjoying it and then die accidentally on the job or something like that. This will probably be a big part of my last effort.
I guess with all of us we each have our own individual reasons why we are suicidal. Mine is financial instability, both of my best friends died in the last couple of years (one shot himself the other OD’d), and I have irate baby mamas who wont let me see my kids, so my debt is just piling up. I’m also going to school and getting all F’s right now because I hate my major and basically hate school in general. Although I’m sort of standoffish with people, at the same time I’m a nice person and know how to respect other’s space and person, so I’m not worried about forming relationships. I figure they’ll come whenever I want them to, there’s so many websites like meetup and eharmony for those sorts of things. Plus I have made hiking and long walks my new hobby, if I am lonely and can’t seem to meet anyone anywhere, then I’ll go take a 30-mile walk. I do it all the time.
Just thought I’d share a ray of hope with you guys, seriously, give yourselves a break and do something fun that YOU enjoy doing. Because you need to remember, in fact we all do. Go do it now, and that’s an order.
Harmless Fun – Don’t worry, if I were to gas myself, I would make sure to post caution signs all over the vehicle saying “keep away” … warning about the gas, and giving directions to call the hazard materials team. That is what 99% of the people who have done this do by the way.
MyChoice – I really liked that Sanctuary song. I’ll have to check out this artist, they seem to have good motivational music. Note: I’m also straight, we can listen to good and soothing music and still remain straight men.
Gosh I feel identical to Entity, although I often don’t feel anything and wish I did. Not sure where my mind or soul went. I feel like a zombie most of the time anymore.
I don’t know what I want either, I feel like I have too many options and no longer feel like I’m being called to any of them.
@entity: me and you are almost identical with our social problems. i picture going up to someone and talking to them but i just can’t.
I’m just numb from past hurts and put up a wall to protect myself from people. I see someone that looks interesting and I contemplate going up and saying hi, but then the thought occurs to me: “I don’t feel like getting hurt again if it doesn’t work out, they’ll probably try and scam me out of some money, they’re probably not a good person really, they’re probably just another weirdo actually,” or words to that effect. I have a hard time talking to people that I don’t really know, I’m near mute, and they always try and take advantage of that it seems. I come to a forum like this because I don’t express myself anywhere else, nor have the chance to.
Crap I’m suicidal again. I don’t know what happened. Yesterday I was like 30% today it feels like 95%. My brain is a joke, my mind is a *****. It just seems easier to end it once and for all. I’m afraid that there’s an afterlife, that’s the only thing that’s stopped me so far. If there is one, I don’t think that I’ll be going to any “light”. It’s probably all just a bunch of hocus pocus bs like Entity said.
Haunts All- I hear ya. After dealing with a number of painful relationships myself, I just don’t feel the need to bother. Some people tell me I lack self confidence, but I really don’t think that’s it. I feel confident – but the memory of pain/rejection is always there like a thorn.
With the exception of one friend (who I don’t enjoy hanging out with as much as I used to – ever since he “came out” and turned into an extreme sex freak), every other close friendship I’ve had in my life has gone to shit.
And then there’s the fact that the world’s full of endless dumbasses like Harmless Fun and JustAlvaro that come to websites like this to prey on the weakest element in society. They pretend to be here to help but that’s bullshit, they are direct agents for Big Brother looking to set people up. JustAlvaro is your basic person who is in denial that suicide really exists and projects his successful 6-figure perfect world on everyone else, those kinds of suicidal thoughts wont be occurring if he’s got anything to say about it! Harmless Fun is your basic rookie medic whose job it is to pick up botched suicide attempts and taxi them to the hospitals, and is tired of it. They can both kiss my ass and stay the fuck off of my section of this forum. If you want to do something to help, realize that we might be better off dead and keep your snide comments and legal threats to yourself you fucking pigs. Have a nice day.
My mood jumps too. I was REALLY happy last Sunday, then miserable on Monday. Today I’m just peachy but I feel “lost” in the world.
Same here Embargo. Although my best friend for 15 years was one of those once in a lifetime friends, we were always there for each other thick and thin. When I left the state and moved to Utah, I called him up from a payphone and told him he had to come out and see this place. He drove his hoopty pickup all the way across the desert and was out there within a month. No matter what, we were always there for each other and as long as I could tell him my problems and vice-versa, we were both okay. Since he died I’ve developed real mental problems. I used to assume that I would always be mentally well and took my stability for granted as if i were superman, not so any more, my mental instability scares me now. Like yesterday I was feeling great, today I might end it. Bizarre.
A good friend or friends really will get a person through anything. It’s a shame that the world turned into such a weird place full of selfish greedy perverted weirdos. I suppose that’s what happens in the false reality called “civilization”. Civilization might be the biggest hoax ever perpetrated on humankind. It is a sad fact that we traded the puma for the office. I agree with you about rather living tribal thousands of years ago. There’s no doubt in my mind that that is how humans are meant to live. The tribe was never well unless even the weakest elements were truly taken care of. But in “civilized society,” people make fun of the guy on the corner holding a sign begging for change until he kills himself. Even the Mayans and Incas with all of their human sacrifice were more civilized and compassionate beings than today’s society.
Entity, Embargo, MyChoice, Typo, Lost, Steven – Just so you know I appreciate all of your comments and reading about your own experiences in this world. It’s really helping me to know that I am not alone with what I’m dealing with. I hope you feel free to talk about anything here, even if it’s just the weather.
There are many people with same problems as ours, it’s just there is only one thing that can help us and it is unbelievable hard to do.
Yesterday I was trying to strangulate myself. I have realized that I’m not able to do it in so much destroying way like jump in front of train. If so many people can die accidentaly when they are performing some shitty autoerotic strangulation, what about to try it too? But it wasn’t working. I was trying for 2 hours with belt, cotton cord even with towel in different places on my neck to compress veins or artery to stop blood circulation to my brain. But I failed with it like with everything in my life. Can somebody tell me what was I doing wrong? How can I perform it correctly? Please, it seems like good, painless way.
As far as methods go I don’t think it’s as difficult as people make it out to be. I have nearly 100% confidence that I could be dead within the hour if I was truly ready for it. All I have to do is drive somewhere, pour two things into a bucket, mix it around and take one whiff and I’ll be gone forever. I’m not going to go into specifics but I will say that on the internet you can find the information if you spend a few hours researching it. You just have to have the patience to filter through a bunch of articles and then all of a sudden bam, the diamond is staring you right in the face. I’m afraid to hang myself because it seems like it would be too painful, I tried it over 20 years ago until I was blue in the face and just couldn’t do it. I have my method and I have little doubt that it works: http://megalodon.jp/2009-0917-2216-16/itteyosi.fortunecity.com/idahoH2S02.JPG The method couldn’t be easier actually, the problem I have is am I ready to die really? I’m not sure if I’ve given my best shot at life yet and have this horrible feeling that if I just think real hard about my situation, get a frappuccino and apply my brainpower to it, that I might have a decent future right around the corner. Money can buy happiness, especially if you get paid to do something that you sort of enjoy doing, from there with that happiness you will attract people and you can even meet people who are specifically like you are.
But I don’t have a car and I don’t want to kill my whole family with doing it in my room. Actually I don’t know what kind of chemicals to buy that are available in my country. I will try to find out, but still I don’t have a place to do it.
One problem with H2S is it works so everyone is taking it very seriously. It’s not a problem though if you’re responsible. It’s a safety issue and therefore can’t be done in a house or in city limits at all. Worse case scenario other people will get sick by accident and after the heroes revive the person they will also try and charge them with whatever they can dream up in court, probably they’d lie and say that the person was attempting to hurt others, even if other people don’t get sick actually. So a botched effort with this method could lead to that person only becoming much, much more pissed off and suicidal. The only way I’d do it is if I had a car, and drove it to a place that was miles away from any people at all.
Man that photo is horrifying.
I’m not ready to give up yet – but I’m thinking clearly right now. Sometimes I just get so freaking down and depressed.. Those are the moments where I’m apt to actually do it.
I respect your opinion Embargo. If you’re thinking clearly right now, then what are your thoughts on my situation, or on all of our situations?
I think people need to see a photo like that, it drives home the point of the finality of death. I promise I’m not trying to be mean with what I’m about to say. But the suicide stats show that men, particularly white men, are like 90% more likely to actually commit suicide than any other group. 80% of American suicides (and there are over 40,000 suicides a year in America) are done by men. I’m not a chauevanist or a racist really but that is why I’m trying to keep this section of the forum for those of us who might be considering it a bit more seriously than other people. And a picture like that shows the genuine article.
But I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell, I know, right now you can’t tell. But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see, the suicide of me.
Head like a hole, black as your soul, I’d rather die than give you my secret H2S recipe.
Okay that’s enough for now, at least from me, feel free to post your own spoofs though. They crack me up.
I totally get your “driving home the point of the finality of death”..
I definitely don’t have advice or anything but here are my thoughts.. It’s also tough to give thoughts on “all” our situations..
For one, we are fortunate as it seems we’re all free of a painful terminal illness although we’re all suffering in our own right. With me, my life is absolutely fine, no major gripes, with the exception that it’s so difficult for me to make quality relationships. This one I’ve had with an amazing girl for 12+ years may have gone to shit finally for no reason. I mean we’ve even called each other soul mates and it truly felt that way.. Now she won’t even reply and insists our relationship is the same as it ever was. bullshit.
With me (again I can’t speak for you guys).. I’ve long hated where I live, hated my job, hated my friends, hated where I went to school. I’ve been hating and miserable in life with the exception of a few moments (weeks at most) where I was actually “happy”. Although I don’t think I’ve ever had a good job and a good relationship at the same time. Hell I don’t know if I’ve ever had either, but to be honest, money is the least of my problems. I’m also in shape and really have no gripes about anything, other than how I’m constantly treated like an outsider in life. I don’t try to fit in either, I’m happy being me. I show up to my corporate job in Pumas, ripped jeans, and a hoodie. I’ll dress up for dates but that’s about it.
Anyway for ME I think I need to commit what I call a lifestyle suicide or something like that. My current life (cubicle, apartment, cubicle, apartment) is SHIT and if this is all life is then what’s the point!?
I need to kill this life I’m currently living and move to a new city, pursue new things that actually interest me, rather than taking the traditional college-job route which I have taken and I am absolutely miserable. Even if I found a great girl, bought a house, had a kid, it doesn’t change the fact that I hate my job and hate this life I’m leading. If I had to support them and had the requirement to maintain my career I believe I’d be even more driven to suicide because I’d feel so trapped.
I’ve said the phrase before on here (“lifestyle suicide”) and maybe it applies to you guys as well but I’m not entirely familiar with your situations other than the brief bits I’ve read on here.
I just know with me, if I continue down this path I’m on, it’s not going to end well. A major change is required but I’m still unable to do it.. Ugh.
Why your situation is resembling me that of mine in some aspects. Actually I don’t think that change of my job will solve something. I was in dark place where no one want to be for some time before I get my current job. For me – ideal state is to live in wilderness a thousand miles away from people with simply life – you will hunt = you will eat, you will be hunted = you will be eaten.
btw. Embargo – I’m coming to my corporate job in jeans too. Sometimes I feel like telling everyone with my clothes to fu*k themselves with their conformity. And yes life is a long waiting for death in magical circle without any point.
Hey all, I’ll read your posts in a bit here when I’m well enough to handle it better, I’ve been a bit fragile lately with my ups & downs much like a rollercoaster. I’ll just say that for right now I’m only about 35% suicidal, which is pretty good all things considered. Had a bit of a revelation lately that I’d like to share. I hope it doesn’t sound shallow or corny but here goes. In observing people who obviously have some problems and some depression (but not obvious depression) but who still seem somewhat okay, I’ve noticed a couple of things: 1) They are always saturating themselves in positive things; positive hope-filled music like Bob Marley, and watching positive movies like some of the romantic comedies for example, 2) they seem somewhat independent in opinions and in general, yet they cannot handle being alone at all and always need company of one kind or another (thus they are willing to swallow their pride and uncomfortable feelings if it means that the strangers around them can keep them company for a time), 3) maintaining a healthy dose of self-confidence, in convincing themselves that no matter how the world goes good or bad that they are still the shit, for lack of a better word, 4) reminding themselves of the thought ‘God wouldn’t have brought me this far for me to just end it’. Now, whether or not any of that is real hardly matters, if it keeps them afloat and climbing out of bed every morning then even a delusion might be preferable to reality, at least in my opinion. All I’m saying is be cautious of your habits and take notice of if you at all do what I’ve been doing, which has been listening to depressing music and watching depressing movies, convincing myself that I am worthless and keeping myself alone, doubting God’s existence completely, etc. Just thought I’d share with you yesterday’s revelation. I’ll read your posts in a bit when I can.
I listen to a lot of pretty uplifting music.. Maybe it’s like self-medicating.
I started thinking yesterday maybe it’s not a good idea for me to form bonds with other suicidal people. It will make me sad if I lose more people I talk with LOL 🙂
I also think you need to commit “lifestyle suicide.” Office, apartment, office, apartment, really isn’t any way to live, and even if you had a perfect family life with wife and kids, wouldn’t last long with you being miserable with your work, they’d be gone. Just my own opinion but it’s also been my experience, and also observations of many other people’s situation in life and how it turned out. As soon as they started getting depressed the woman was gone, oftentimes taking the kids with them. But on a positive note, I think you can improve your situation if you start planning now, making sure that everything is set up ahead of time. For example, thinking about what it is that you do want to do, then getting some knowledge and experience (or perhaps just a certificate) with it, all while still working at your blue money job, hopefully having another job set up wherever you move to and jumping right into another life basically. I could see it working like that. Then again I can see just quitting the job and moving somewhere else, and having it work out too. I’ve done that and it worked. Shelters aren’t as bad as everyone thinks, but I suppose not everyone would want that if it came down to a choice, so planning ahead of time makes sense.
Personally I want to move, I don’t like where I live right now. I’m contemplating a few places: Portland Oregon, Nevada, maybe even Utah again. I’m not sure though. All I know is life has become ALL about money in California and that’s just not me, it never was and it wasn’t like that here in the 80s, but people adapt with the times I guess. I need a slower pace where there is less competition and more enjoyment of the simple things in life.
About your girlfriend, or friend that’s a girl, sounds like she had a change of heart at some point. That’s unfortunate. I’m dealing with that myself, my fiancee and me broke up last July, we had been together for more than three years and everything seemed great, we felt like soul mates and were going to get married, we had survived so much together I thought we had a bond that could never even bend let alone break. Then all of a sudden she had a change of heart and seemed to go from love to hate of me. It was weird, almost like she turned off her true emotions as effortlessly as a light switch. Women can be weird that way I’ve noticed.
I definitely need a major lifestyle change. I hate my job and hate where I live. I’m looking at moving to the west coast too, Portland is one of my options as well. I have loads of free time but mostly use it feeling sad instead of planning.
Regarding girls, what you describe sounds like what happened with me and my ex of several years. She got tired of me being home all the time. This other girl has been a long distance friend who I met up with recently. We’re both single, expressed mutual interest, then I said I could move to her city to pursue something together. She reacted by saying it’s not a good idea and is now acting distant to me. We used to call each other soulmates and now I feel like I’ve lost her. I’ll admit we still converse but it’s not as regular as it was. Although in her last e-mail she was sentimental and flirtatious. Damn games.
I hear you on the slower pace. Up to now, I haven’t enjoyed life. Money has been the focus of my life. I’m not happy. I would gladly give up all my money to be 18 and broke again. If there is a God I feel like they’ve given me so much that I’ve let go to waste. Instead I’ve been a slave to the man.
I think a situation I’ve been in recently with an ex-girlfriend sums up women in general, though not all of them. We were a couple 5 years ago and then we simply lost touch, just one of those situations where neither one of us knew how to contact the other or where the other lived, etc. So four years after we lost touch we run into each other again. I go and visit her and she tells me she hasn’t been with anyone in those 4 years, that she was waiting for me. I instantly started laughing, I just couldn’t hold back. I mean, did she really think that I was THAT dumb? It was comical. She kept on with her story so I pretended to believe it. We hung out a few more times after that and she slipped and accidentally mentioned “it’s been like 2, 2 1/2 years since I’ve had sex,” hilarious and I called her on it. I also went onto her myspace page where she had filled out one of those personal survey things, and talked all about boyfriends that she had had “most recently” and in what time frame. Totally busted when I told her about it, yet she still halfways tried to keep to her original story. I told her I didn’t really care, I just found it hilarious at this point. I suppose it’s not fair to say that it’s only women who are this way, many men are too of course, but in my experience it sums up women.
Screw being a slave to the man, if I were you I would take a couple years off, traveling and so forth, maybe living in a nice vehicle during certain months where the weather is not so bad to live outside. And just enjoying people. You said you don’t like to read but The Importance of Living by Lin Yutang is a MUST if you decide to take my advice on that one. After that two year vacation you can go back to working for the man, and if they wonder about the “gap in employment” … well it was health reasons or something, not far from the truth. I hope you try this before trying sucide at least. I’ve got to work for a bit, seeya.
I could see my ex saying things like that (that she had been waiting for me) – actually wait, she did say things like that, and likewise I caught her lying. I definitely have met more than my fair share of shady women.
This recent one just perplexes me. Every friendship/relationship I’ve ever had goes to shit but this one has lasted through everything and I completely thought she’d always be there.
I want to take a couple year vacation and you read my mind- the gap in employment concerns me, but really if I continue this life I’m presently leading, it’s not going to be good.
(Sorry, just venting here.) I’m feeling worse today. It’s not about her. I want to get out of my rut, the rut I’ve been in for 2 years or longer. I want to be needed/wanted or have a place in the world.
Separately.. It still sucks being alone.. I consider myself a pretty decent/great guy but I’m pretty invisible to women. Not only that but last night I got hit on by a guy. WTF. It’s like kicking me while I’m down.
I like to believe that “The Universe/God/etc” tries to help you and hints/suggests to you a direction for your life. Seeing that everything around me is full of suck, maybe I just need to acknowledge the suggestions and move. It’s my plan anyway. I just keep hoping I’ll be summoned somewhere. Of course it could never be that easy.
It hasn’t been telling me where to go or what to do but It has been telling me to get the heck out of here.
Somewhere down the line apparently I was made the James Dean of the gay community, but without my ever giving my consent. I notice that a lot of women “check me out” but when it comes down to those who are bold enough to walk up and hit on me, 99% of the time it’s men! It makes me more depressed because I know I could never be gay, because of these things I already tried to, it didn’t work out, when it comes right down to it I can’t get it up, I’m just not sexually attracted to men (unfortunately heh). Because I’ve given up on women, I relate to them and their lives 0%. They know that “there’s always someone who will love them” in this world – good for them, can’t say I relate to the same, at all. They are no mystery to me, women have become to self-indulgence what michael jordan was to basketball. Still, I imagine that there’s a woman out there for me but damned if I know where to find her.
Anyways about your rut, I know what that’s like, I’ve been there before and I am there now again. When you walk out of your apartment in the morning into a city that you can’t stand, it hurts bad. That’s where I’m at right now. I remember when I moved to Utah, right at the foot of the Rocky Mountains, ten-minute walk and I would be hiking the mountains actually. And the sky was so blue there, a shade of blue that I had never even seen before growing up in California. Plus the people, I had a love/hate relationship with the Mormons, they’re so peaceful which I loved, but they’re so cultish and to themselves that I didn’t love, but the other people there besides the Mormons, I met some cool folks out there. I am an inch from doing it again, maybe not an inch, a week might be more accurate… packing up my car, going somewhere to live in it, maybe to Reno maybe to Portland, I’m not sure. All I know is that I am an inch from killing myself, but fuck that if I don’t at least give living somewhere new another shot. If things don’t work out for me there, then maybe I will kill myself then. I will at least feel better about the whole thing. You said you were thinking of heading to the west coast, I’ve lived there for 30 years, if you need any advice on the areas, just tell me what you’re looking for and I’ll try to help. I know California better than most people, I’m a 5th generation Californian on my mom’s side. There are some GREAT places to live out here if you can afford it, which it sounds like you might be able to. For people like me though California is a tough place to live, it’s too frustrating to be broke and to struggle all the time, always calling people for work and never getting hired (there’s too much competition for lower-level work like landscaping), being passed by millions of endless successful millionaires on the freeways and streets, it’s too frustrating the gap, I would do better out of state most likely, where my own people are more used to having lower incomes and are more likely to stop and shoot the breeze with a stranger. At least I will be able to network with people in places like that. But for your situation if you are thinking of moving to California, just let me know what you’re looking for, and I should be able to steer you to the right area. Oregon and Nevada are on my list though, maybe Arizona, maybe even an Indian Reservation somewhere. I don’t know, I’m just going to follow whichever of the four winds decides to whisper in my ear. If it leads me to another blind alley, I’m done. This is my last ditch effort.
By the way if I were in your situation, making good money at a job I hated, I would give my two-week notice. There is more to life than money. One thing I’ve learned is it’s best to be as polite as possible when quitting a job, that reference call down the line could come in mighty handy. I’ve definitely burned some bridges that I shouldn’t have when quitting jobs in the past. For example I was in the california conservation corps for 6 months, it was like a bootcamp for people who want to be park rangers or conservation worksers, lived in barracks the whole time and daly meals in the mess hall, it was great and I loved it, anyways that’s like the best landscaping experience/outdoor work that a person could have on their resume, I should be a park ranger or something by now with that experience, like I imagine a lot of my former peers from there probably are now. But no, I had to make a scene when I was quitting and called the highest manager of the whole CCC out to a fight. Because of that I have never been able to mention my 6 months experience with the conservation corps on my resume, yet again I cursed myself, what a dumbass I can be! It’s amazing.
Haunts All,
you are like a spider knitting your web at one place.
Once it’s finished, or being messed up in the middle, you are on your move, to another place and start knitting again.
It’s so typical I think of an American would mostly behave.
Or so to say, an animal instinct so basic to existence.
More like a coyote, the desert feel into scene.
And this gives the outsider a feeling of them being cold and detached.
When they themself have a feel of cold inside, and needing a bit of warmth, will they come forward to mingle.
If you think I am trying to berate Americans, no, on the contrary, I’ve found them the best of Europeans in counting.
Americans portrait the lessest demonstration of the stand-offish sense to others, but that also made them culprits to be blamed in the world.
Of the farthest north in Europe, they are passionate people and warm, may be due to the colder weather, they are eager to make friendship, and you will find welcomed in the first place, but you’ll find that later they have still too much enthusiasm reserved for any late comers would-be.
Americans are like, ok, plain and simple, coldly and detachedly in show-down mode, “show me what you’ve got”.
English will add more of a grin and a pose, period.
Do we all know how to act properly? I think we do. Just so, are we willing to !?
Well as for warmth that would be nice, but I really don’t find any warmth at all online and I don’t think that you do either. Do I find it in my real life in the world? Nope, not at all. I hope that you do though. A spider spinning a web and then messing it up and going someplace else? What the fuck is that little metaphor supposed to mean? That I am responsible for why my life is this way and that I chose it? Only to run away after screwing up everything? Thanks for the warmth, I’m not sure what your point is Fireflies. Am I an American? Yes. One out of 350 million Americans. I have lived in two countries, the USA, and Mexico for 4 months. Those are the only two countries that I can say I’ve been to and know. I have not been to Europe therefore can’t really comment on it. I am not allowed to leave America so don’t really ponder what life is like in Northern Europe, I imagine it is a world better actually. I would summarize America like this though, you could be in the middle of a mall, or a public square, and scream your head off in frustration, and the response you would get is some people staring at you like you’re crazy, some people running away in fear, and some people on their cell phones calling the police to take you away. If I saw someone screaming their head off anywhere I would go up and ask them what is wrong. There are probably only a handful in the country who would do the same. Life really isn’t life any more, it is fear, who are you? what are you insinuating? what was THAT supposed to mean? why are you judging me? How many K per year do you make? It’s a fat ballbag load of bullshit.
A lot of you folks are fucked up now, just like I was. So bored with life that you create problems for yourself, but just wait until you reap the fruits from those efforts. Just wait until 15 more years pass, then you’ll really be fucked up and wanting to die, instead of scaring off the people who want to die.
When I was 15 I was already a dedicated crackhead, but though I quit all drugs over 10 years ago the pain only gets worse. My brain is rotting just like my spine, nothing makes sense to me any more, I can walk 20 miles in the mountains or 30 miles on flat streets because of anxiety, now THAT is an anxiety problem. Fireflies your post made zero sense to me literally. I’m not sure what you were trying to say. Same goes for Alvaro and most others I’ve read on here, all the things they say “but you’re this and this so nice, but you have that and that going for you” etc. ad nauseum, it just makes me sick, it makes me sick that I do it too at times to people, are we helping people for the sake of our own egos? Do you really think that you’re helping at all? I HOPE that you are. That’s great that you have your community here and you can talk each other down from episodes and so forth, but where are all the suicidal people, I mean the real ones? I want to share with people who already know they are going to be leaving and leaving soon. Something happened to me, my whole being is in pain now, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just want to quietly leave and talk to other people who are in a similar situation.
IF you are leaving soon (leaving the planet), what is your final conclusion about life? What are your thoughts? I want to know. How have you made peace with your decision?
These are my thoughts, some of them anyways (note: beware, because this IS bitching and whining, I can whine like no other and I am proud of it, so if that bothers you, do me a favor and read no further). My bills stack up, I have a whole pile from creditors, it disgusts me. I studied the conspiracy, turns out it was true, you’ll realize it too if you study it enough, but don’t, ignorance is bliss, get too close to the illuminati and it ruins you, weakens you to death. You realize how controlled you are, we all are. I miss Bill Cooper, R.I.P. brother, I miss my brother, R.I.P., I miss my good friend Roy Mason, R.I.P., I miss Solzhenitsyn, R.I.P., I miss myself, R.I.P. myself. What happened to me? Something did. I am all pain in my whole being now. I think my mom is coming down with dementia, it scares me, I feel like crying for her even though she abused me and my sister so much and for so long. My dad did come down with dementia, I guess a gallon of vodka every day for 30 years will do that to you, with the cerrhosis he will soon be gone, R.I.P. The economy is purposely being brought down, I could explain to you in detail how it happened but I wont. Try the Creature from Jekyll Island just as an introduction. The people in charge easily made it through calculus I II & III differential equations, etc. but you think they can’t figure out how to fix the problems? Try calculus III and get back to me. I hate how mean I
have become, I turned into an abusive monster, worse even than my parents, and they made my “friends”, even the ones in group homes, feel sorry for me. That’s what I don’t forgive, that’s why I say that I deserve death. They say “God doesn’t make the world this way, we do,” it’s so true, nothing could be more true. I happen to believe that there is a God
but I don’t blame It for what is going on. We need only look so far as the nearest mirror to see who allowed and caused this to happen. No one is compassion any more, we are measured in dollars, “I’d help you out if I wasn’t so busy trying to help myself,” hardly help but still, that’s the most compassionate thing you’ll likely ever hear. Some more bills in the mail,
same old creditors and agencies racking up the principal and interest accounts. We are all in debt, each of us $50,000 debt on average, but if all of humanity is in debt who do we all owe, Mars? My back hurts so bad I can’t do a #2 sometimes. I could never keep a woman, I could get one fairly easily though, I am not bad looking I just don’t smile a lot. I can walk like no one’s business, my legs are so strong, it’s a shame that society wont put that to good use somehow. I can hike in one day 4,500 ft of elevation gain over the course of 20 miles, I could probably do much more but that’s my record so far, you should try and break it, you might be surprised how much better it makes you feel, it shouldn’t be tough for me to find a great job but it is very tough, impossible even. My daughters don’t even know me, their moms wont allow them to, they are afraid that the kids would like me and want to live with me instead, and then mommy wouldn’t be getting that nice $1,000 check in the mail every month paying virtually all of their bills. I fell into a trap, don’t do the same, there isn’t an escape. I wasn’t aware of the trap, my dad was too busy being blacked out drunk to warn me about some important things in life. Now he is dying hooked up to a machine in his room halfway across the country in the middle of friggin nowhere and only emails me once a year at most. He hates me, he hates us all, we remind him of our mom perhaps. I contemplate people in poverty like India and how they manage to stay happy, I think they might be stupid, they are dirt poor yet still they breed like rabbits that’s stupidity folks, they are silly monkeys, not really thinkers I guess but probably better than us though. Everyone is in prison in America, probably over 6 million now, fuck that. In America there were 40,000 suicides a year and 20,000 homicides a year BEFORE the “recession” hit, imagine what it’s at now during this depression. My sister is a stripper, all she’s been since the mid-90s, all she knows is quick easy money, I wish we could relate to each other but since we left home at 15 our lives couldn’t have become more different from each other. We have genius genes but also cursed genes, the curse of hatred, addictive personality on both sides. Family? I don’t have any family, have you not been paying attention? Friends? I don’t even have one, not even one. My cat is gone now too, he was my bud, I raised him since he was 2 weeks old, he was my firstborn but really the only child I’ve ever known. He got dementia and became confused, howling at my window, wants in, wants out, wants in, doorknob fetish, we took him to the vet to be put to sleep. Poor guy I miss him. It’s not that my brain is so fucked up, it’s just that society thinks that it is, in many ways I think that I see clearer than most, but I have the mark, and the mark is what they fear, the mark of a thinker, of a psychonaut, of a former addict, and they don’t want to be judged by such things, it makes them uncomfortable to realize they’ve been conformity for so long, I can never make it passed the interview process for indoor jobs. My back is too screwed for me to ever work
outdoor jobs. I have been denied mental disability 3 times, I have been denied physical disability once. I’m so poor now even when I get a foodstamps card those around me take it instantly. I owe them so much in dollars and cents. We are measured in dollars, have I told you that yet? Maybe it doesn’t matter I have a fat 6-inch, oh wait nevermind, that means nothing I cum too early, same for maybe 99% of men. I could take yohimbe, a legal herb, and go all night but who wants to wait for me to boil up my tea and all that? White men who are employers prefer hiring mexicans, white women prefer black dicks, asians prefer asians, indians prefer indians, where does that leave the poor white young man? I thought it left me with mexican women, they definitely like us white guys, but watch out, both my baby mamas are mexican, but they’re
the ones that fucked me up in family court, effectively ruining my life for the greater goal of the reconquista. No wonder white men aged 20-25 are killing themselves in droves, more so than any other group of people actually. Maybe Native Americans have a smiliar suicide rate, not sure. I am going to gas myself soon, all it takes is that one brave moment, maybe a fifth of bacardi 151 beforehand actually, then say, “Yeah, I’m sure about it,” mix up the potion and instantly knock down. That’s my plan for myself, that’s why I’m telling you all this, had to get it all out whether someone listens or not. I told you I could fill a book I easily could, I haven’t even scratched the surface yet. A lot of you folks are sensitive types, emotional, just like I’ve always been, watch out in the workforce, wait until you learn about MOBBING, that’s where they treat you so bad that you voluntarily quit, that way they don’t have to fire you. People don’t like thinkers much, thinkers might judge them, people don’t like the sensitive types that don’t get footloose in the bars with them. “Oh
you guys wanted to party, I wanted to drink myself to death, I guess we had two different trips going on here,” I feel for you guys, you are victims too, probably will be even more so. If i could start all over from scratch I would never have smoked a cigarette, or drank coffee, I would work out all the time and be healthy, I would read Machiavelli the Prince, and Sun Tzu’s Art of War, and I would play the game, survival of the fittest, better than anyone else. I would only treat the people well who deserved it, I would make millions, and I would secretly give a lot of that money to the homeless. I would be aware of predatory females, I would never get anyone pregnant until I myself wanted to have kids, I would make money work for me, I would have others doing all the work basically and I would be king of the ship, but with that money that I made I would secretly give it to the poor, the real poor not the ones claiming to be, all the while driving shiny new cars and wearing gold chains, I’d give it to the gutter, the group homes, the orphans and widows, the homeless, now that’s what I call social responsibility. I would be fit and caring, not unhealthy mean and defeated. More bills, more hate, less money, less hope, no family, no friends, no compassion, no fun, no life. I’m done with this world. I gave it my best shot and I failed, I was never prepared for life, my parents were nonexistant and were only MEAN. Flowers need sunlight and water to grow, humans need love and guidance, I didn’t get much of either, I don’t blame myself for how my life turned out. I don’t think that God is going to judge me for punching my ticket early, in fact God might even say, “How in the hell did you hold out for as long as you did? I am proud of you and I love you.” I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just want to share my thoughts before I go, I am sure that it MUST be helping somebody out there, other than myself. I pray that it is.
I’m in a great mood today. Just saying. Nothing special happened. If anything I realize there is at least one girl currently in my life who gives a crap about me, and 1 is a lot better than 0 even if she’s of no interest to me. I went out with her tonight. I guess it made me feel somewhat valuable/appreciated/wanted. Honestly I felt a lot of attention from women today. My real problem is that I never go out.
I still have a deadline within the next 3 months of moving. But yes, not actually moving, but traveling. I will dump all my crap at my parents house and go from there. Even they encourage it because they know how down in the dumps I am.
Oh and trust me I know to not burn bridges. I’ve quit this place before and I’m nervous to quit again because if worse comes to worse I’m sure there’s no way they’ll hire me back again – but I hate it there anyway.
(end of my rant, replying to stuff from above now)
I’ve been out of North America once and it was amazing. I felt like for the first time in my life I was just me, a person of the world, living in the wild, a raw unfiltered life. Not under constant surveillance in the Disney World of countries. It was an amazing experience that I need to revisit.
Man, Haunts All, the stuff you write is amazing. BTW I liked this line “God doesn’t make the world this way, we do†— because I completely agree. I think the world in itself is freaking awesome, but shitbag people/society make me hate “this life.”
Re: “MOBBING” – I used to work for a military company and while I myself wasn’t a victim of this, I know others who were.
I don’t know what else to say. I suck at giving advice. I recently bought the book Art of War, and I downloaded the one you recommended the other day. Getting me to read them is the hard part.
Haunts All , Im really stunned about your life , literally , I dont think I could be more profoundly interested , I don’t know if because reading it all is entertaining , or maybe because it somehow warns me about what my life could be , or maybe it gives me comfort that I’m not quite there yet . Everything you stated is so raw and real that even i feel it penetrating within me , I can truly say I empathize with you , I know nothing about you , except for what you just wrote , and it strikes me as something I should acclaim , or promote maybe , how people like you , so honest and true , despite of the mistakes in your life , you’re probably living amongst the lowest of the low , and that irony , that selfish irony , is itself so fucking hard to grasp . It pains me that someone like you , so twisted but beautifully well thought , is contemplating and set upon the act of suicide , to the point where I wish I could beg you not to . It sucks , at least in my reality , that there aren’t more people like you , to talk to or relate to , just because most of them have made the decision to just fucking die , and I know this sounds selfish but , what does it leave the rest of us ? You can be hope itself if you wanted to , and I’m not trying to fanatically acclaim you as the next Jesus or something , but literally , you can probably offer more help than psychologists can to real people . But then again , we’re not in a utopian society , where right is right and wrong is unknown , this world is contradictorily messed up and deluded , and one right step can very well lead you to the middle of nowhere next thing you know . Still , I feel it’s a shame that you were led to this brink , I feel helpless to stop it , maybe death is far better off than this reality , or maybe it just leads us back to it , either way , it sounds sort of comforting , but maybe , I’m still holding on to that tiny seed of faith , in the goodness of people , even though i know it gets worse , i just don’t know how much longer do we have to be living a lie . Sometimes I wish i was coldblooded and cruel , like the people i hate , so that i won’t be so affected , so that i won’t feel as much . I want to tell you I’m sorry , but i don’t know for what , and i know it won’t help . It just sucks that you’ve lost hope in all of humanity , that you’ve decided to jump the boat , even if you had all the reasons and one to do so , maybe the blissful ignorance inside of me is urging you at least to postpone it , as unfixable as this world may be , don’t give up on it , even if it’s a lost cause , you never know , you never do . You’re not alone , even if we’re different , we have one underlining similarity , and it’s pain . You’re not suffering by yourself , don’t end it , not like this . I don’t want you to feel pain but , just offer yourself the possibility of hope , even when there is none , of maybe living in this lie for a little bit longer . I wouldn’t want you to go without me saying goodbye -___- .
I don’t know what it is that can help you . I don’t think anyone does but yourself . I wish I could offer you some way to disconnect , because that’s obviously the only way out of this insanity , but unfortunately , I’m powerless , i have no solution to offer , i could give you all advice in the world , but something tells me it just won’t help so i won’t bother . I’m just asking you not to because I believe in you , and in what you wrote . And I wouldn’t want to see all that just disappear , especially not because of this fucked up world .
It didn’t sound rehearsed or memorized from a college textbook. That means a lot to me. Thank you. Maybe I will stick around. I’m glad that my thoughts are interesting and comforting to some people, if I can offer people that, then maybe I will stick around. The problem is when I try and talk like this in daily life it has never worked out, not even once, no one has ever liked hearing it, so I have become an anti-social mute of sorts. Perhaps I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, so to speak. I hope if either of you ever want to rant you feel free enough to do it here.
I hope you do stick around , to say the least . (: I’m not sure what it is you were expecting from the outside world but , it’s normal for thoughts like these to be rejected from ignorant people , they don’t want their sense of comfort to be argued or rebutted , everyone always comes up with their own conclusions about life and for someone else to just come along and try to explain their own philosophy or take on things is found as an offense to some , especially for those with a wide range of intolerance . Well , I wasn’t trying to sound rehearsed , I was just being honest and I’m glad that it showed . Maybe you just need stimulation , something to live for , no one can be living in this world without a purpose or a drive or just a simple meaning , maybe u just feel useless , and sorry if im assuming things , but it’s normal i feel that way too , maybe just because i have reached the age to actually do something with my life , im only 16 but i feel useless as to try and better my situation because of all my limitations . i hope people become your drive as to wanting to do something with your life , perhaps hopes of regaining control over it , starting over if possible , and try to live as fulfilled as you can , happiness is a luxury , but when you feel an overall sense of achievement , that itself is just about as rewarding as it gets .
i hope you have find something to live for , something to look forward to every day , to smile for , to long for and to turn to when things and people are frowning upon you . Because I would just hate it if you , yourself , were to go to waste into dust , and leave this world in the condition that it’s in , and not even leave a trace of your existence , a mere footprint , at all . i just hope this helps , somehow , even if just miniscule (:
Ha, I’m an antisocial mute/introvert.. and it seems whenever I open up to or bond with someone, they lose interest in me, which causes me to be even more of an antisocial mute.
I’m still in a decent mood, but one person in my life is really annoying me. I’d love to kill myself just to make her feel bad. I am not seriously contemplating that but man I hate her.
If i were you i wouldn’t kill myself for the sake of anyone . Like you said , she’s annoying you , why would you take it upon yourself to teach her a lesson ? Just disconnect her from your life , i don’t know how easy or not it may be for you , since i don’t know enough of your relationship with her to really judge .
I wonder why it is that you’re an antisocial mute /introvert , and what caused you to be that way . Maybe you just gave up on trying to connect with people , because the people around you simple don’t understand you . Maybe you should try looking elsewhere , maybe broadening your contacts , or maybe just finding someone whom you can truly relate to , and confide in , it’s hard but , it’s not impossible . many of us haven’t found that yet , but the key is to not lose hope , because it does happen , a soulmate , or lover , or best friend whatever terminology you want to use for it , does come around , but sometimes we’re just looking in all the wrong places .
I hope you change your mind in the future about people , I hope you can truly find someone to bond with . Life’s nothing without genuine human contact , we’re all we have .
I wasn’t serious. She just pisses me off.
I haven’t completely lost hope yet but I go through temporary (ie several weeks long) moments of losing hope. Absolutely every single decent relationship/friendship I’ve ever had goes to shit, usually due to unpredictable circumstances beyond my control. This is partially what brought me to the site to begin with.
I can so relate to what you have just said , where every relationship ends up in turmoil because of something that was unpredictable to begin with , something we couldn’t control . I guess it’s what brought me here too , trying to find a new beginning , perhaps people without prejudice and a constant need to judge and control you . And I guess everyone goes through those periods of hopelessness , I know I go through them , and it doesn’t get any better during that time of the month either -___- . Well I hope we understand each other , everybody’s in need of understanding and a friend .
I often feel like I’m cursed and I’m tired of it. It’s good to know that I’m not alone with the relationships going sour.
Tonight one of my friends was pressuring me to go out with him and some friends. Initially I kept saying no, but I finally relented – because I’m tired of being on the computer, tired of being a homebody. But I’m sorry – I just did not have fun. Going to bars, drinking, listening to music I don’t care for, just doesn’t do it for me. Everyone else in our group was appearing to have a blast.. engaged in the conversations, singing along to nearly every song (many of them I’ve never heard before let alone knew the words to).. This is what makes it so especially hard for me to bond with people.
I always always always feel like an outsider. Evidently I’m in the wrong place in life / in the world. So I must make it my task to find people like me but I still believe they don’t exist.
Lately i’ve been a lot in the computer too … i guess with my whole outside situations souring and all , or it could be because of my lack of sleep , since I’m an insomniac , and just have nothing better to do … I could risk going outside and trying to connect with people like i did not too long ago , going to house parties , but ever since i had a huge misunderstanding with one of my “friends” , something so unpretentious but either way she , being a self-centered , emotionally wrecked , selfish and immature little girl , to say the least , i wouldn’t doubt that she’s put me out there with the entire world and is probably even wanting to jump me … i know it sounds dramatic , but unfortunately it’s something that i’m confined to , especially living in an environment like this . And to think that I actually fought for her when she was getting her ass beat … but that’s just another story that gets me even madder -___-
I know what you mean about not belonging . I often feel it too , especially around a crowd i have no interest for , and when my mind is longing for something else entirely , perhaps more significant , something i could make a purpose out of , not just another night out . Unfortunately most people don’t see it that way and probably never will , until they have a change of perception and just grow so sick and tired of improvising and want to search for something with real meaning … I often feel that way , but lately I’ve been wanting to get high and just party the night away , with people I don’t know , somewhere i’m not sure of … maybe its just a subconscious need of escapism . I guess I’m just complicated , i don’t know .
I don’t find it hard to bond with people in general , but usually my “relationships” end up crumbling anyway , I guess I’m just a one time only type of person , maybe I get bored too quick , or maybe I’m just lying to myself when i try to identify myself with everyone , cause maybe I’m nothing like them . I wouldn’t like to think I’m alone but … it’s nothing new . I had a pretty lonely late childhood , I was definitely what you would call an “oddball” or “freak” … I got unsuspectedly “pretty” in my 8th grade year , and during freshman year i found it easier to open up i guess , i became obsessed with looks , or obsessed with the thought of being obsessed , i tried to be “normal” … that ended up quite miserably for me soon after . I guess living a lie is never the answer .
I guess it’s hard , in your case , to find people like yourself , seeing that everyone is just so complicated to group together in anything . Sometimes I wish life could’ve just been easier for all of us , maybe if we didn’t think so damn much … but we do , we’re just on a different pedestal entirely from the world , and sometimes we just don’t know how to get to the otherside and make proper connections , or maybe we just don’t care for it , we just don’t truly like anyone . Or maybe I’m just rambling on about absolutely nothing because I can’t sleep lol , but god who really knows anything anymore , I’m far from a natural psychologist .
Hopefully you don’t feel alone . Atleast we’ll all have eachother when the world finally decides to give up on itself .
I’m in the same boat, it seems like everywhere I go I end up telling people what assholes they truly are and then walking away. It’s depressing me and making me even more isolated because I feel that there are only a couple ways to end up where I’m at: 1) what happened to me. The world beat me down with its corruption to the point of my losing my mind, and the only respite I have found is in trying to become a decent person with a nutty sense of humor. 2) There’s something about you that makes you different and there’s nothing you can do about it. I think a lot of gay people go through this which is why I tend to enjoy their company, or maybe you’re old-fashioned and just can’t get into the latest trends, like office clothing.
My “friend” is one of the best architects in the state. I thought maybe he might help me out so I told him if he thought that I should major in architecture and go that route. He issued a serious warning to me about office clothing and office politics, and said that it’d never work out for an outdoorsman like me. When we were young they used to joke and call me Huck Finn because I was always at the creek swinging on rope swings and such, even though we lived in a city. I’m probably as country as a city boy can get, so I decided against office work because tucking in my shirt and walking around in a suit just isn’t me.
I have a very hard time meeting people, I tend to get along well with the lowest element in society because they are less likely to judge me and vice-versa, but it saddens me because I want more out of life. I just find that the higher elements in society are sort of soulless and don’t really do any original thinking of their own which disturbs me, because a lot of them do like to do what I like; hiking, swimming, classical music, and so forth.
I went through a similar situation recently with bars. My sister and her boyfriend dragged me out to a bar and everyone inside was singing along to some stupid song about booty, it disgusted me because I don’t put ***** on a pedestal. If she’s single and isn’t an interesting person who I respect, then she’s just a hot hole, nothing more. I’m definitely not going to sing about booty, if anything it has cursed my life forever not improved it. So I wound up sitting at a table all by myself, my back to everyone while they danced, comforting myself in taking all their drinks and drinking myself until I nearly blacked out. I ended up spilling drinks all over the table and the waitress who they were trying to hook me up with came by like a mother and said “it’s okay I’ll clean it up” but i could tell she just thought I was another dumbass. I don’t know, I’m getting pretty frustrated though. I don’t really want a woman though, I just want male friends. I suppose I’m the closest thing to a gay man without actually being gay.
On a lighter note I treated myself to a 19-mile hike yesterday with 2,500 ft. of elevation gain, which was nice. It may have dawned on me what I’m supposed to do with my life: work with mountain lions. I have a connection to them, they are my power animal. I have a strange memory of being in the crib and seeing the ghost of a cheetah watching over me. I mean I could see it clearly as it was literally in the room with me but still a ghost to others around. Some people who love hiking and have hiked thousands of miles of trails over their lives have never even seen a mountain lion, or maybe only once. I see them all the time. I saw two yesterday, they came out from a bush on a peak barely visible during sunset. I could tell they were cougars because the way they came out and sat down on the hill same way a housecat would. And they were much bigger than a bobcat. I wonder if I could get paid to raise them, or to track them and film them. There’s an estimated 5,000 of them in California and another 5,000 in Oregon. That’s a lot of cats, actually they’re always around, I guess people don’t have very good vision or maybe just don’t take the extra few seconds to look for them. This is what I would love to do but there’s no way I could find work being a mountain lionologist.
I figure one day they will confront me on a trail and it will be a fight to the death, that is part of having a power animal, power doesn’t play around much. Either it will kill me or I will fight it off, I could only kill one if it really came down to it. I wonder if that is what the message is of the spirit watching over me while I was in the crib, that maybe it is like a psychopomp rowing its boat over the river styx and would eventually come to take me away. They are big though, I saw one once that had to be 300 lbs at least, if one of them decides to attack me because of how stupid I’ve become and I manage to fight it off, then that might give me the self-esteem the power that I need to live out the rest of my life. I could always think to myself: “I fought a mountain lion and won, there is nothing that humankind can throw at me now that I can’t handle.” All of this makes sense to me but I’m the closest now to insanity that I’ve ever been, which is pretty close. I can even touch it, smell it (just joking).
One of them ripped off a woman’s face recently not far from here. You can read about that here: http://www.ocregister.com/articles/hjelle-238764-fear-mountain.html … I wonder if she was a bad person and the cougar sensed it. They are the true kings of California, most people aren’t aware of that, I have seen a cougar fight off a grizzly bear and the grizzly went running away in fear. Don’t believe me? See for yourself here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tSm_LWX4Io … I figure the Mountain Lion is a just king when it comes to its relationship with us humans, if one comes out to confront me, I will be confronting my past, it would take that on for me if it sensed that I was just that rotten. Look, this is between me and the cougar, it is the messenger so don’t try and intervene (joking here too). But really this is what it has come down to, and Castaneda had to do it too as part of his life training so it isn’t unheard of.
Stop judging me, what do you think you’re better than me? (this was a joke as well)
But back to human relationships, as you can imagine I also just don’t fit in. I’m seeing now that humans are mere animals, a bit more selfish than other animals though, if the human likes something it will do what it can to protect and nourish it, but usually only if it gets something out of the deal. So few humans like me though it makes me wonder if I truly am useless and have nothing to offer the human animal. This is probably at the heart of the reason why I feel like leaving the planet. I know that I could be of good use though, but because of my mark no one seems to want to give me the chance.
That’s all I have to say for now. I’m still majorly depressed but feeling a bit better now after the hike. I hope you folks are doing something for yourselves so that yo feel better.
I know where you’re coming from . Sometimes you feel like you have so much to offer the world but nothing they’d be interested in . I guess it’s why we live our life independent to this reality , to humanity itself . I try to integrate … but sometimes I wonder if just another memory is worth it , worth the bother of shaving , putting on makeup , doing my hair , getting all dressed up to try and make a “connection” with people I completely distaste , all connections purely substance-based . I guess life does get harder and more complicated the older you get , people become less tolerant , less forgiving , less understanding , less sympathetic . I wouldn’t want to be in a world where I can’t at least make someone like me , maybe just for a day , and to a certain point I’m glad I’m young , no one seems to give a fuck now , but I wonder what will happen when everyone matures and “grows up” , I guess i’ll forever be stuck with the baser crowd , maybe that’s why i always wave and spare a dollar to those life-worn crackheads by my avenue . I guess despite all life’s crashes and deceptions , they’re probably as pure as a human soul can get .
I guess integrating into humanity is not all bad , especially when they really don’t give a fuck who you are or where you’re from , they just want to vibe with you , maybe use you , but it’s a true as it gets . I dream of being a journalist and hopefully that’ll give me a purpose , I pretty much failed the 10th grade so I’m dropping out and getting my g.e.d and just starting college , whoops there goes my hopes for a scholarship , and may I mention , I’m in economic turmoil -___-
Maybe if I were to fight a mountain lion I would get rid of my fear for the future and all it confrontations , or maybe a flamingo will do just fine . I guess I just want to live , find a window beyond all this madness , maybe I should just start popping ex , I’ve done my research , and the experience seems wonderful . Maybe I should just live for little experiences like this , until there’s so much of them that I could make up my own life , some weird twisted derivative from “Big Fish” . Maybe living a lie isn’t all so bad , seeing that this reality just sucks anyways .
I doubt you’re useless , you’re treasure is just something that’s not valued in this reality , but it’s still beautiful , you still haven’t lost yourself , you’re still not faking it .
Jess,
“so much to offer the world but nothing they’d be interested in”. It’s just you.
He’s a wild cat, not accustomed to the human nature (and it’s not a joke). It’s an identity crisis.
The life of the wild, or the life of the civilized, or the life of being both.
It’s that balance he is trying to figure out.
Well I guess it was just my take on what he said , with a bit of self identification as well . I still think he’s got a lot to offer however , even if it is , as you stated , an identity crisis . Maybe we’re all confused about who we really are , maybe disassociating from oneself is some sort of “refuge” . I think we’re all in need of some balance , maybe we should pay attention to our chakra , if we want some sort of logic explanation lol , or maybe we just need to figure out how we fit in this society .
Lots of good stuff since I last posted.
I saw the bit awhile back about the lady who got her face torn off. I love cats big or small.. never seen any in the wild though. Just bears.
With me and relationships, it’s either like I have absolutely nothing in common with the person, nothing to contribute to conversations, and they are absolutely magnetized to me and treat me like I’m their best friend when I don’t enjoy being with them whatsoever. Then, when I meet someone where we both realize we have so much in common and etc, the friendship/relationship never goes anywhere and I’m fortunate if I ever hear from them again. I think I’m so used to this “feeling out of place” feeling that it’s become the norm for me, but really it makes no sense why I bother to stay here (in this city) and subject myself to it. I know moving to a new city won’t automatically fix it.. Maybe there actually is some truth to crap my mom says about “joining a group with people who have similar interests”
Oh, and Haunts All, I have the same experience.. the lowest elements in society are attracted to me, and I’m generally friendly, so they cling on too.. I likewise would like to associate with higher types of people or “more accomplished” people but for me I think they spend more time working than socializing.
I can relate with you too Jess.ins, in that when I was younger I was definitely the freak/oddball type, the nerds were my closest friends only because they accepted me.. girls were never interested in me, I mean I wasn’t even on the map, then as I got older I got more attractive and more attention, but inside I still feel like the ugly outcast kid.
Me, I love anything to do with the outdoors, extreme sports, and electronic music. I have little to no interest in pretty much everything else. Water cooler conversations about local sports teams or what was on Lost last night doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest, while most of my coworkers literally have a bad day if our sports team loses.
I know I’m not useless, I’m actually very capable.. Anything I put my mind to I can accomplish. Getting inspired is the hard part.
Man I wonder if I’ve got some issues. When I woke up I felt great.. Then I got to thinking about the one girl I’m having drama over and I totally lost it and wanted to hurt myself.. Then fast forward to now and I’m all good again.
I don’t use drugs and I don’t drink, but moments like today’s emotional plunge make me wish I did, but if I did I’m sure I’d abuse whatever substance I had available.
Yeah I get those “regressions” as well … back to a time where happiness wasn’t even in my vocabulary , and all the shit that’s happened … I don’t even wanna think about it -___-
i don’t what’s worse , abusing substances or abusing the mind , then again I’m not promoting anything but , I just don’t trust anything this government does promote , or bans , so far , substance usage has had both a positive and negative effect on me , but to say I can’t live without it would be probably an exaggeration ; at least it’s helped me gain multiple perceptions on life , so that I don’t always see things so black and white , it reminds me that there’s always some middle-ground , that could be of some comfort to some , but to others it really doesn’t make a difference . I guess it’s both in my case , still , I appreciate the experience .
I don’t really do anything much than drink alcohol and smoke weed , any else is purely circumstantial and not even , but I’ve never tried any hardcore drugs like heroin or meth . The idea of loosing my mind is sadly frightening and disappointing , but wildly attractive at the same time . I’m curious to feel what it’s like to see things from outside the confinements of my mind , or this , whatever it is that I’m living .
I can relate when you say that you’re capable but getting inspired is the problem . To me it’s a bit different however . I get inspired easily , by a moment , a millisecond , the sound of an ice cream cart trailing around , the voices of loud spanish people arguing by my block , anything that temporarily takes me away , drifting me off somewhere where problems were shallow and the moment was the only existing time . My problem is holding on to that inspiration , because as easy as it comes , it goes . And then my mind becomes heavy again , and I’m no longer freed in my inspiration . -___- it just fucking sucks .
You say you’re having drama over a girl … god , you have no idea the drama I’m in right now , and it’s not even for someone I like , but , shit happens … I wish people just understood that things come and go … why is there so much clinginess , so much fucking selfish obsession … But I’m not one to talk , because I can be that way , and I often am , but I just never apply it to my daily life , ever, it’s something I keep confined within myself , people think I’m just careless … I guess I just don’t want to hold on to anybody who doesn’t want to be in that sort of situation of a commitment , even if it pains me to see them go , I just can’t help think if they would be happy with me , so I give them their liberty , until I just fall out of luck .
lol it’s nice to hear that i wasn’t the only “oddball” as well xD i was academically well off but not all that interested , so i couldn’t relate to the “nerds” whatsoever , but they were my only friends for about two years straight , of probably socializing with three or four people my age that i considered my “best friends” and most of it was on topics that i found absurd and just plain annoying … it did give me a good concept of how it was to fake it , but i guess the only reason i stuck around is because they were the easiest ones to approach , and still , it wasn’t all that easy because of our lack of similarities .
To spare you the novel version.. We’ve been long distance friends for a very long time, both single. We have a magical bond we both admit to. I went to visit her, she flirted pretty heavily, then I opened up and said I want to move there to be with her, and she said it’s not a good idea for us to date because she doesn’t want to risk losing me as a friend (I was crushed) but she also says she does want me to move there (??)
After I spoke up, our communication has nearly dissolved yet she insists we’re still friends as ever. Maybe I changed things when I spoke up. I don’t even know what I want with her. I’m not in love with her, but we have the same interests, views on life, same general mentality, many many many eerie life coincidences. I’m attracted to her but it’s not head over heels or anything.
To me this relationship is the only one that hasn’t gone to shit and I was afraid when I spoke up, even though I felt confident she felt the same, so the fact that things took a turn really really hurt me.
She e-mailed the other day, reminiscing about me and our time together. I’m so confused. We have called each other soulmates in the past and that’s truly how I feel with her. I’ve never felt this strange connection with anyone other than her.
I have a feeling I need to just move there and let life take its course. It’s been a few months and she’s still single.
Oh and don’t get me wrong, I love drugs, but I don’t love addictions. I have done cocaine before and it’s an amazing drug. Thankfully I don’t have connections to buying it otherwise I’d be coked out of my mind on a daily basis. It took me awhile to get over the craving.
I wish I got as inspired as you. I’m a lump on a log most of the time and I absolutely hate it. I wish something would move/impassion me.
No I’m totally with you there too.. The nerds were just the most accepting of me. I would sleep in classes, be late in classes, but I made it to the top 10% of my class without even trying. Imagine if I actually tried. I got along with all groups of people but the nerds were the most accepting.
I can’t say I’ve ever had an addiction , maybe life would be easier with one , cause it automatically gives you a purpose , but I’m just one of those people who never get addicted , I don’t even know why . I’ve done cocaine twice , once on a laced blunt and the feeling was kind of weird , I didn’t know whether to run or to sit , and the second time by itself , pure coke . It was one of the best experiences i could say I had while I was on it , but the crash was … just utterly horrible . I was depressed for days , even suicidal , and even though suicide is something I think about a lot , I never really think about it as something i’d do , i’ve just been generally curious where it is it would take me .
Your connection with this girl sounded very appealing . A soulmate … I wonder what that’s like , it almost gives me goosebumps , to care for someone who entirely cares for you back . I would tell you not to let her go but , it seems like she just doesn’t want to be tied up . Maybe she’s scared , or she just wants to make sure she’s making the right decision . Maybe she’s not as set as you are on the decision to be together , just more of the concept of it . I think overall she’s just confused about it , maybe just too much mixed feelings . I say give her time , but I don’t know how much time you’ve already given her .
I think you should do whatever would provide you the most peace for the time being . You say you wanted to move then do it , what do you have to lose ? Unless you have a promising job who pays for all your finances , but if your life won’t make a dramatic plunge , then why shouldn’t you ? Maybe if you showed her you can always be there for her she will change her mind about whatever insecurities it is that she’s had made about the thought of a relationship with you . Show her that you’ll be there regardless , that your friendship is unconditional , she just doesn’t want to break that bond .
I think that there’s an attraction , a potential indicator of a romantic relationship . I don’t think you should break it off so quick , and I know you’re scared of the current relationship you have with her falling apart seeing as this is the only relationship , or potential relationship , that hasn’t been all too shitty . Letting life take it’s course is a smart thing to do . Life has so much twists and turns and it’s capable of going in such unexpected directions … that you truly just never know . ! I think if you care for her don’t let her go , people come and go but true connections are only made once in a very far blue moon .
Lol well , I actually tried to be like the nerds , I tried to be “applied” but it never worked out … my scope of thought and school had nothing to do with one another . I can’t say i enjoyed any of middleschool’s classes all that much (my nerdy stage lmao xP) , but in highschool probably sociology was okay , and drama was fine too , but it’s not like i would go to class much , i started skipping soon after i started freshman year , which was last year . That led to an all time low for me in academics , which is why i was forced to drop out and i’m doing my g.e.d test on the 27th to go to college and hopefully majoring on journalism , maybe become some sort of traveling freelance writer . Anything but staying grounded , being conventional is probably the most unconventional thing for me >< xP
I don’t like having addictions.. I like being able to try things. I just don’t want a dependency, which often happens with me so I really “should” be more careful 🙂
I really like how you put it – “people come and go but true connections are only made once in a very far blue moon.” .. I got pissed at her and said some pretty rude things.. I wish I had never done that.. That might be part of the problem now but I think and hope we’re beyond that.
Good luck with your GED test, I have a hunch you’ll do well.
I’ve been good over the weekend and hopefully it continues. I really don’t have much else to say right now. My mind is weird, watch, in 5 minutes I’ll be full of tears and terrible again.. I doubt it, just a good weekend with people and although they’re not my ideal friends, it was a good time.
Well hopefully everything goes well with you two , it’ll be nice for you two to hook up and realize you make each other happy , because you can’t really go further if there’s no realization about what your relationship truly means to one another . I have a feeling that she’s just going through some phase , of being scared and reluctant , and maybe those things you told her while you were pissed may not have been all too bright but reality is that people say all sorts of things while they’re mad , and you probably had the right reasons to be mad . But if she truly is your soulmate she’ll understand , just back it up yourself by proving her what she needs to be in a relationship with you (:
I’m glad to hear that your weekend has been a good one (: mines as well , it was a bit boring and sort of desolate at first but I spent all of yesterday talking to a guy that I had no idea I made such a connection with , i mean i don’t like him all that much truthfully , but it was refreshing to be proved wrong about somebody who I never thought could be so … different . It was pretty nice (:
Thanks for the luck , I’m gonna need it , especially since I haven’t prepped for the test lol
Lol sometimes I get those extreme highs and lows too , but I try to deviate from all my emotions all together and just think about something that has been going well so far , something to inspire me , and try to hold on to it as long as i could … i guess what keeps me going this long is the thought that nothing lasts forever , and that this too will pass .
at this point I’m just hoping for things to return to something more normal. Of course I’m hopeful for more but things pretty much never go my way but admittedly every great while they do. The stuff I said while pissed were out of character and bad but not “that” bad.
the convo you had with the guy sounds awesome. I’m really craving a convo like that w a girl.. Of course you know who would be ideal haha.
Just wanted to add quick.. I re-read the emails from our heated discussion that fateful day i asked her out and it really wasn’t as bad as I thought. What does still pain me is how I wrote like 5 page-long emails in a row without a reply from her.. I got so consumed by it. I haven’t heard back from her in like 10 days now and I refuse to initiate contact again. She used to reply within hours all the time. Sigh. It really is my fault.
What really screwed me up is I went to a friend for advice.. and I blindly followed her advice.. So stupid.
What happened? What was the bad advice?
Oh, her advice (not so more how I should act, but her interpretation of the letter) caused me to be a prick, say rude things, and end the friendship. I managed to recover a few days later but it’s still not “the same”
Really stupid on my behalf to trust someone else’s opinion who knows 10 minutes worth of the relationship, versus my own opinion who knows 10 years worth of the relationship.
I took it as pretty much nothing / innocent banter, while my friend took it as “omg how can you still talk to her after she talks to you like that”
I believe my friend has a hidden motive. She wants me to stay away from “the girl”.
I usually get consumed and write paragraph after paragraph sometimes without a reply from that person , or a very minimum or insignificant one , which frustrates me because I take so much time into thinking things through and analyzing the situation and end up blowing up people’s phones with information and I almost always get a recited , stereotypical response , which leads me to think why even make the bother ? But there are some people who do think of giving well thought out responses , things from the heart , no matter what the initial subject is about , I know I’m one of those people , no matter what I always have a reply .
It must be a pride thing that you don’t want to write to her back , I know I would’ve done the same thing especially after writing so much without some sort of feedback . But just don’t get too caught up in the situation , I know it sounds detached , yet dwelling so much at the problem at hand won’t situate anything , it won’t solve anything , it can’t take away what’s been said and done . I truly in my heart believe you aren’t a bad person , and she , who really knows you , must also know in her heart that everything you said you meant for a bigger purpose ; because you care . I don’t know anybody who would write a 5 page-long email unless they truly , deep down cared for that person , regardless of their emotions at hand . Everybody feels sad , bored , hopeless , angry , depressed , disappointed , let down , frustrated , worried and anxious in some points in their life , and everyone should be able to understand that . That’s just a part of life itself , we can’t always have a picture perfect affinity with someone ; even the most happy relationships go through the worst tribulations .
What was the added advice your friend gave you ? And it’s normal for people to want guidance in times like these so you can’t really blame yourself or her , nobody really has the answers to others’ problems , only we ourselves can give our own solutions .
I just hope everything cools down between you two (: and yea the conversation I had with that guy was pretty great , we spent talking till 5 in the morning xP that was pretty insane . I know you’ll be able to connect like that very soon with your soulmate , the girl you’ve been stressing out in all your post (lol , which is very sweet (: ) just give her time and space , and don’t be so harsh on yourself either , you’ve done nothing wrong .
Oh. I have been used like that before. Not over a relationship but with friendships. How are you doing now?
Embargo – I’d say just go with your gut. That’s why I can’t really offer advice, 10 years worth of a relationship of any kind is too many experiences for me to comprehend. But I will say based on my own experience, if you feel like you constantly have to chase her and that she is just enjoying the chase, that you write out 5-page letters to her and get hardly anything in reply, I don’t know man, do I really have to say anything more here?
100% of women are evil. You have to understand this, actually it’s not 100 it’s 99%, but the 1% which is good are taken off the market within minutes. And if she’s over 28-32 and still single, there is good reason for it.
Embargo – Hate to be bad news cat but I’m just not feeling it. If you were meant to be with her then she would not be making you feel like garbage and going crazy in your head! And I don’t have any ulterior motives here, just trying to help.
Jess.Ins – My apologies if you took my post to mean that you are evil, because I do not think that you are (:
Haunts:
I don’t think 99% of the women are evil . Maybe there’s 99 downfalls you had with women , or 99 problems they’ve caused you , or maybe all of them in your life have just dug you in a hole and shit in your face , but to say ALL women are evil … that just sounds like an obviously frustrated remark .
Not to say that you don’t have all the right in the world to be frustrated , but to take it out on the opposite sex entirely just proves how dug up in a ditch you really are , you feel trapped in all your problems and you don’t have an outlet , and because of (the)women(in your life) your predicament has only gone worse . It’s not women . It’s those women .
I personally don’t like women all too much and I am a female . I hate drama and yet have to put up with it because of the few females in my life . Most of my friends are guys , women have only caused problems in my life so far , most that I’ve met have been instigators , however I recognize that women go through some major shit too , since I am one , I could really relate . All in all we all go through shit , some more than others , and some of us never seem to go through anything out of the ordinary (how I envy that ) . But I agree with you , now in days , not only women , but most of humanity are just “evil” . Everybody in a different way however , stereotypically women are “merciless , instigating , insecure , overly comfortable golddiggers who puts herself over anybody she ends up in a relationship with” and men are “heartless , uncommitted , ***** monsters who puts his friends and a pack of beer over his girl” . Now try to argue the man part with an actual random good woman who has been tried nasty by her cheating husband after being practically his slave for nearly 15 years , and yet has to go through it everyday for the sake of her children one who’s still young but spoiled and bratty and the oldest one who just doesn’t give a fuck . This world is just screwed up , forget about men and women . They’re just plain bad people , to say the least . And if they’re 28 – 32 and are still single , you’re right , they’re probably not worth it anyway . But this is just how everyone is now in days , nobody wants to get tied down into anything and nobody is willing to put up with anyone’s shit , so what do we get , selfish , cruel relentless assholes that are only thinking of themselves and nothing more .
Most people are like this , however , others are not . I just don’t like generalization .
And it’s alright , I wasn’t offended by it directly (: But i know lots of women are a good people , as well as lots of men , even though most people now in days to sum it all up are just not worth it .
I believe in love but I guess it wasn’t my fate to ever find it. I’m about to go on eharmony and prostitute myself to rich women, so that’s where I’m at. I’d gladly be a sex slave for someone if it meant that I could live in a mansion and network with people who could get me a good job putting my brains (or lack thereof) to use. I have sort of a grim outlook on relationships now, it’s becoming far too painfully aware that every woman has 10+ guys hanging around her at any given time waiting for YOU to screw up so that they can be next in line. Whereas us men don’t have anyone waiting in line, we’d like to lie to ourselves and believe that we do, but we don’t. I suppose I project my own experiences onto other people’s situations a bit but i can’t help it. I truly wish that you do find love, I just don’t want it to be tainted with infatuation or things of the sort, which can be pretty costly long-term.
Haunts:
I understand where you’re coming from . I know your life hasn’t been easy for what you’ve mentioned so far . I had loled at the sex slave prostitution for rich women on eharmony thing xP … but at the same time it just made me sad that even though it was a joke this is what you subliminally set out for yourself . I believe you are much better than that , than what you think , you’ve been cursed with negative life’s events , but don’t let your person end up influenced by all the shit this world has to offer . I do believe you have brains , not a lack of it ! (: And personally as a girl , I don’t have lots of people waiting in line to fuck and then screw over and then on to the next one . I talk to lots of people , both girls and guys , but I never use people as a rebound , and anyone who does is just a dick , plain and simple . And guys do that too , except most are exalted for it , they’re all of a sudden “players” , ooh what a great thing -____- . I try to stay away from those types of people all together , and I guess you just haven’t had all the luck in discerning between the two , I hope things turn up well for you , in all honesty (: it would be nice to see you do well with someone in a loving , healthy relationship .
I agree that that would be nice, and as you could likely discern from my music selection which I had posted earlier, that I am a true romantic at heart. But as I see what is being promoted on tv (nothing but players), which of course is going to influence people’s perceptions and expectations, and then go out into the world and see what people are actually into, I wonder where did the romance go? I have seen girls french kissing guys while giving me a seductive look simultaneously, and while I admit that it did do something for my ego, at the same time I wonder what must be going through his mind, but society is going all of this player stuff which I am not into at all, while I wouldn’t say I’m a hater, I’m just not exactly a lover, of that culture that is.
But when it comes right down to it I have the same problem that Embargo and Entity have, a mute who would rather stay inside than go to the clubs, and I’ve found that even the best of women have this thing for clubs which I can’t stand. I just want to know real people, but I worry that they may have all killed themselves by now.
(I have a lot of catching up to do, I started writing this hours ago but got interrupted)
I finally wrote her again (lighthearted, which is the norm for me) and she wrote back at length within an hour, from her mobile. So I need to get “she doesn’t hate me but she might not feel the same as me” stuck in my head. While not the best outcome, it makes me happy. I just want her in my life.
Usually if I want to blow up at someone I will write a long long email, then delete it. It helps me vent.
I really really like your feedback Jess.ins.. You seem to get me. Everyone tells me that – “I can tell you’re a genuinely nice person”.. and I am, but as a nice guy I always finish last. Not to say I can’t be a dick, because I can, but that’s not fun for me.
I told my “advice friend” I don’t want her advice anymore 🙂 It seems whatever she tells me gets me riled up.
What I (yet again) need to learn from this entire experience (as it relates to my entire life) is that I need to put MY opinions above other peoples opinions. I seem to dodge decisions and let other people make them for me – and alas, look at me, hating my life, because of letting other people have control instead of me.
I’m sorry for ranting so much about this on a suicide board, but really relationships are my biggest struggle and are what brought me here to begin with. I want to find people I bond witht, I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I just know other people on here need more help than me and I don’t want to take attention from them.
AMEN @ Haunts All — I do not believe 100% of women are evil, but the rest of that post is 100% TRUE. My experience is, I could be in a room with 1000 women. 995 are single and 5 are married. I’d bet my life savings that the 5 I’m attracted to just happen to be the married ones. That is ALWAYS my luck. I always seem to be attracted to the 1 girl who’s been in a 10 year relationship, snagged when she was 18 or younger.
And yes you’re right.. I feel like I’m always initiating with her.. she seems to forget about me.. Not good signs. This is true. I just can’t give up yet 🙁 Other guys have won girls over after being rejected.. And I’m hanging from a ledge by my fingernails.
Yes , this culture is screwed up . I’d say it has it’s good points and it’s bad points , and most of it’s bad points have been good points gone bad , thanks to human ignorance , which leads me to wonder if we corrupt everything we touch . Human perception has become so benighted that we just don’t know any more , what truly is right or wrong . There’s a traditional underlining factor of morality , but even though tested “true” (or just overused) , I wonder if it’s even fair . Whatever fair is . I guess we just don’t know , this is why each of us are so different , we’ve been connected by chance and will for survival and integration , all selfish reasons if you really think about it , but we’re just different universes colliding everyday , sometimes it leads to overall destruction , and sometimes it leads to the creation of something bigger . The same laws apply to everything in life ; there’s no yin without yang , and even within all “good” things in life there’s a “bad” . We simply just can’t expect an idealism .
As for me , personally , I’m what you would call a neutral . I detest yet appreciate many things from modern times . I could be a party person , and sometimes I’m just withdrawn . I crave different fountains of energy , not everything can fill you as it once did ; it even happens with drugs , when your body becomes used to the effects , now what ? This and that pretty much sums me up . I guess I’m not too different from everybody else , just my thinking , although I’d love to think that there are people who think similar to me , that itself makes me happy .
I agree with the romance thing . I crave that everyday seeing as it is rarer to find . I’m like a miner looking for my treasure . Everybody else seems to be chasing the same quartz … I’m searching for that diamond . I guess that’s just my mission in life . I’ve kissed various people , sometimes even at once , and experiences like that just seem to be emptying . I’ve done it all but I still can’t find it . It’s just a feeling of incompleteness .
Yet again I’m in agreement with Haunts All.. Every single decent girl I know (not many) is being hit on constantly, by all calibers of men. And while on paper I seem like a decent catch, I just don’t stack up to some of these guys. And you know these guys are playing a number of women.
Likewise I’ve looked into just finding a sugar mama but man I have ‘some’ standards 🙂
Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted a great relationship but “God” always told me it would never happen for me. So far “He’s” right.
Well I just saw my ex-wife’s face for the first time in six years. She started up a page on facebook, what a trip it was to look at the person who originally started me on this downward spiral – October of 2000 – We came out of the planned parenthood and the test result said positive she was pregnant. I asked her if she’d get an abortion and she blatantly replied “no, I wont,” my response screamed “FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!” right in front of everybody, as it dawned on me just how screwed I really was. An unexpected pregnancy would not destroy everybody, but if you’re uneducated and unemployed, yep you’re a goner. October of 2010 and it will be the 10-year anniversary of the downward spiral’s original appearance. She is smiling but like a demon on the picture. I truly hope you folks have a better experience with love than I have had.
My story on this website is far from complete, I’ve tried to give somewhat of an overall picture, but I would like to share something that I think is important, it’s the things that people don’t share and post about, that are the reasons why they are really suicidal. So there are some crucial events which are absent.. And I tried to be pretty upfront and honest from the very beginning, that the reason I was here is because I want to share with other people who have decided they have had enough of life – it’s for a selfish reason – it’s for my own peace of mind. At the same time I want to help people in any way on here if I can, you know I’ve played my cards WRONG throughout much of my life and if I can help someone from doing the same in any way then it was worth the effort to me. I appreciate everyone’s feedback on here, every word even, and think we have a good group going. At the same time realize that many on the overall website might max out at 50% suicidal whereas that would be my minimum level at any given time. I know how bad suicide is, my dad told me that he thinks it’s the worst of sins, I know that I would be leaving behind some people and their lives will be much more difficult without their having me around to help them (and my being helped by them, it wasn’t all bad), but at the same time I am certain that I will kill myself, that shows you just how callous I have become, I am fully aware of the consequences yet I would do it anyways, I can no longer claim innocence, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But I’m certainly not intending to hurt anyone on here, quite to the contrary.
I know I’ve found pretty much everything you’ve written to be pretty insightful and myself much in agreement. It’s things I’ve never heard in my 30+ years on this planet but I’ve personally always thought and assumed to be true.
btw chick has emailed me like 10 times today now. Seems I did something right. I gotta take a break from her now, I’m like a drunk driver going 200mph, ha……
Likewise, it’s definitely nice to be around other people of similar caliber.
Don’t get me wrong, I might recommend that you hook up with her, I just simply don’t know enough about her yet and by default am in the “don’t do it, save yourself man!” camp. One thing I’m sure of though is it’s too hard living alone in this world, solitude might be comforting for brief 6-month stints, but any more than that and I think it dements us.
I’ve been in solitude for much of the past year and a half. It seems people/relatiotnships bring me pain and then I withdraw.. slowly coming out again.. only for the cycle to repeat.
When I get up and ready in the morning, make myself look nice, etc.. I’d like for someone out there to care or at least have some sort of interest in me.
I mean I just want someone to be happy I’m here, in the world. There are a few in my family who seem to like having me here, but once they’re gone, I truly see no reason to live.
Lol wow I was gone for a while xPPP I was getting my license , which was pretty exciting (:
Haunts All:
Your ex wife sounds like a scheming ***** . Obviously child support is a good source of income . It sucks sometimes how a life is screwed over by someone other than themselves . Maybe you just shouldn’t have trusted her . But what did you know way back then , you probably had no idea . It’s just so unfair sometimes , it’s kinda funny how some people fall into the stereotypical asshole by gender category . I guess she’s got her own means of money .
All of us could try to put our entire life but I find it almost impossible . I mean I’ve tried to give insights of who I am as much as I can , but not only am I complicated , but there’s just so many little details that are left out that contribute to our overall lives and it’s just so hard to try to piece everything together . We’ll never be finished , cause the days just seem to add on .
But so far I’ve found you to be one of the truest people on this site , and it really pains me that you’re still fixed on suicide … I just really wish you would postpone it you don’t understand . It’s not for the consequences , fuck the theological aspect , it’s for all you can contribute , if only you had the peace of mind , I just wish you would find it . Maybe some sort of motivation .. a meaning , it would do wonders for you . And you can do wonders for people .
As for a relationship , I truly think you should engage in one when you feel ready; making a connection with someone . Solitude can be comforting when you’re trying to reconnect within yourself , but when that stage is over or just becomes entirely useless altogether , it just turns to plain loneliness . I hope you find someone who can make really make you happy , and end the grief chain that’s followed with your , perhaps , poor or blinded choice of deceitful women . I just wish you wouldn’t give up -____-
Embargo:
I was glad to hear you like my feedback (: I like yours as well . In fact , everyone i’ve come in contact with in this site has been so distinctively amazing , it’s hard for them not to grow on me , even if it’s just through a computer screen .
I’m glad to hear she’s given you feedback ! However , judging on what you posted earlier about her not feeling the same about you … maybe she truly is just enjoying the chase , which is also a possibility . Yet what changed my mind was when you said she started blowing up your pc with emails , lol , it seems like she doesn’t want to let you go , regardless of the reason , she wants something with you . You must truly know what she wants with you of course , and it’s all in your discerning of whether or not you truly want to initiate something with her , or if you need to think things through thoroughly . All in all , it’s completely up to you , and what you feel will be the best thing for you (:
I can relate to what you said of that cycle where people pain you and then you withdraw for some time and then slowly come back out … it happens to me quite often , and i find it hard to make connections with people that I can actually keep , especially of the same sex , it usually ends up in a disagreement , and of the opposite sex , well , things just seem to ice up and eventually disappear , completely out of nowhere . Everyday in the morning I try to make myself look attractive too , but not necessarily for anybody in particular , but almost as a subconscious need for attention not exactly for affection , but that in itself makes me feel cared for , for someone to glance , to show that miniscule amount of appreciation , without even knowing me … makes me feel liked , even if it’s for absolutely no reason . I guess it’s your stereotypical “female pride” thing … but for me it runs much deeper … i wasn’t always so accepted , i guess it just feels good , you know ? Even if it’s some sort of delusion of acceptance I create , I can’t help to feel at least a little elevated for just a little while .
I want someone to make happy and someone I can be happy with as well , but it’s not so easy , and although I’m not in any sort of rush , I just can’t help but anticipate for when the time “comes” on whether I’ll truly be happy , or if it ends up in another emotional demise . I guess most of my lack of connection comes from putting myself out there completely , I tend to rationalize more with my iq than eq , cause when I do use my emotions , I’m so embarrassingly naive … there’s nothing I let back, and nothing I don’t believe . I guess I’m in lack of experience , or maybe agonized from too much of it such a limited time … ughh -___-
Well your assessment was correct Jess.Ins, insomuch as my not being aware (or advised) about the situations that would soon follow for me. I was a hopeless romantic (and a part of me still is) probably because my childhood sucked so much and I wanted to have a family of my own. I did not want any children though and I made that clear, which is why it’s so upsetting that she went ahead with her plan anyways, and I do mean plan. Years later, her brother was to tell me about how he used to hear her and her mom planning this all out for years on end. She was to find some gullible American boy and get knocked up that her mom could get instant amnesty and they’d be financially well together ever after. Their whole family is from Mexicali on the other side of the border. And in a true and just court, I believe that were a judge to hear me relay this story that I would be let off the hook, perhaps even a victim of a political crime of some sort. The crime is plain as day for all to see but they go unpunished, and there isn’t, nor will ever be, any court that cares about anything that I have to say other than what jobs I’ve been working, if I have a copy of my W2s and recent paystubs, and if I have any tangible assets which they can abduct from me. I’m over all that now though, 10 years ago it was hard to accept. I don’t much like talking about it, I just thought I’d mention how odd it is that she contacted me out of the blue yesterday via facebook, after not calling me for six years, and I had no idea where they were. Now I am to bitter to care, the alchemical process has distilled me into pure poison, perhaps a gaseous compound, that would be neat. I always knew I should’ve gone easier with the tabasco sauce, nevertheless, all of this, my whole life has just turned me into a numb asshole. I no longer even care any more. I’m a done deal; done with all organisms.
Jess – I agree, I find many people on this site to be insightful and I feel I have a lot in common with them. This may be why I keep coming back.
I don’t make myself look nice for anyone in particular, I think I just want someone to notice every once in awhile? I guess I just think it would be nice if someone somewhere cared about me who I also cared about. Simple to write, not simple to find. 🙂 I know what you mean by wanting miniscule glances or anything. I like that kind of attention to and it’s so rare for me to get.. I feel invisible most of the time. Yesterday I did get attention from two gorgeous 18/19 y-o girls which gave me quite a boost haha.. Too bad their mom/chaperone/whoever-she-was didn’t seem to approve.
I make friends of the same sex but the same issue remains. I seem to attract people I can’t stand and repel people I actually want to form bonds with. One example.. I’m not religious at all, but many of my closer friends are ULTRA religious. WHY…. I can’t be myself or speak my true mind around them. I get tired of hearing their diatribes about the bible.
I agree I want someone to make happy – which makes me perplexed why I’m still alone. Or even how my ex who is pretty broke would rather be single than be with me. It hurts. I’ve always been this way, wanting to make people happy. Maybe it’s because I’m so “all or nothing” with people. I don’t like having a bunch of mediocre friends. If I have my family/bestfriends then not much else matters. If you F with them I’ll F with you 10 times harder.. but anyone outside that circle I could care less about.
Lastly, I recently took an awesome vacation but was entirely alone. I broke down almost every day because I had nobody to share the experience with. wahhh
I’m probably going to jinx myself, sigh. Things are “seeming” good all around.. It’s like everything is lining up, and if it all works out it would be amazing. Although I can’t help but assume this outcome is exactly what will NOT happen. 🙁
It’s my belief that things never work out as you thought they would and there’s pretty much no way to predict the outcome. So lately I am obsessed with trying to predict every possible outcome. But once I envision it, it won’t happen. hahahaha.
Well, this world, it certainly is an “interesting” place. Going to jail while on 4 geltabs of acid and witnessing violence which splattered my shirt, and thus began phase II of my problematic life. I no longer wanted drugs, I wanted to be a family man, but I was never ready for kids and I tried to make that well known, still they wouldn’t have an abortion. Having two kids with women who didn’t love me, not really, and they abandoned me, leaving me wih a $200,000 bill. That was not my original intention for “a family of my own”.
My “wife” Rose mistreated me and abandoned me, she abused me as a man until I whiplashed and became abuse. I felt it seething through my every pore, my only outlet, that’s exactly how it was and went. I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide by taking 50 codeines after drinking margaritas till blacking out. I floated above and then wham was
back in and ran to the toilet to throw out the poison, another day another chance as the sunlight warmed the room. nevertheless, not my intention, I quit my dishwashing job at Pt. Loma Convalescent Hospital, hopped in the Cressida and ran until the state was literally behind me, a soon to be distant memory. This was to be a temporary gig for my own mental wellbeing. I never planned on spending 2,000 days and 2,000 nights homeless though, so we see it was easier to get into than it was to get out of. And as a man without money, without the ability to provide, witnessing a world that became increasingly cruel about Being raped once by a friend, and molested once by a priest! the bottom line, cruel about
the money, mean about every cent, I couldn’t bare to witness not for any longer. “Eff you I spent 5 two nights ago!” … “yeah well eff you I spent 5 last night!,” I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I just can’t. It isn’t even living it’s dying, and I should know!
Ah yes but there was the cold, a brand new cold that was never heard of before. SOaking wet rained on for hours straight unceasingly during the dead of winter in weather of 20s fahrenheit. These experiences are what scarred my soul, nowhere to go as I shiver to the point of heart attack perhaps, heart explosion from the anger, only thing that kept me
warm as I walked, and walked, and walked some more, to keep the blood warm and flowing. I would’ve rather been caught in a blizzard! Freezing to death in an hour would have been much more preferable to these nights that I can never forget!
60 days without a bit of sleep as a side-effect to attempting suicide, by taking 300 klonopins. 60 sleepless nights in a row are you kidding me ?!? How do you expect anyone to endure that and to come out okay?!? After the first month my mind began to obsess with possible exit strategies; jumping off of skyscrapers, blades slashing out my wrists, I wondered
when I’d finally break and enter the life of sipping my food through a straw for the rest of my days, pushed beyond the maxadome listening to you snore all the while demonic faces lit up the ceiling as I layed there in terror with my racing worried thoughts, and felt the cold as I watched the cold light blue presence begin to shine through the blinds showing
the first signs of morning. I feel like crying just thinking about it and no words can do it justice.
Only veterans from the war in the middle east have been able to relate so far, but they are killing themselves left and right, at an average of one suicide per every day or two, like my friend Roy Mason that went AWOL and drove to Santa Cruz where he blew his brains out with a beretta, they know this feeling and so I follow suit. What more do I have to tell you to ease your pain?
All the time now, I am locked inside hunt or be hunted, someone’s plotting someone’s watching, getting ready for the attack, a cop needs to meet his quota nevermind that my ahole would get reamed out daily for years on end, vultures circle overhead while I hike, when will be the moment when they decide to team effort it and peck out my brains. When will the mountain lions come out to confront me, when will they tear my face off? I am not even safe in the mountains where I try to escape from the dangerous human presence. But humanity labels me the threat, I’m not the one riding your ass in traffic risking lives, I’m not the one.
Don’t hold a wake don’t preserve my body, insinirate it, burn it to ash and spread it in the pacific ocean. It was seeing my brother’s lifeless corpse at the wake that did me in, close enough to touch it, that made me catch the final virus. He looked at peace but he looked truly no more, and I don’t feel that you need to see my lifeless shell, maybe I am somewhere else maybe there is only nothingness of nonexistence, either way we’ll never know so there is no need to contemplate it.
To find my love, only to see schizophrenia slowly over the course of 3 years tear her mind away from her in a brutal and barbaric fashion? Until she forgot who the soldier was that looked out for her like a mother lion would her cubs? Worse, to mix it up in her head that I was the predator out to get her? When this situation got to the point where we had no other option left but to separate, this is when the final stich in my hear burst.
I am no longer mentally well. I had to do this as the pain became just too great to endure. My daughters that were taken from me and deprived the right to wholeness, to knowing their dad, to having that warmth and to knowing that protection. I’ve got news for you, it is a fucking miracle that I made it as far as I did. Rather than hope for more times, be thankful for the times that you did have, all of those bad times we shared together!
That’s my letter so far to the ones in my life. What do you think?
I don’t know if you’ll find this interesting or not, but I spent tonight in a dark field at the railroad tracks, with my beer of course, sipping away laying on this hay under the black sky. When suddenly they came into view, a lovely couple, sitting on the tracks embracing, I secretly watched this couple as a cougar hidden in a batch of weeds and shrubbery while they hugged and embraced with the movements of an “no matter what I love you and we will have each other, promise me you wont ever forget this” energy which was breathtaking to witness. My vision gave way as I watched this dark silluotte of a romantic couple, a shade of shadow upon a background of shadow, a strip of streetlights in the distance providing a picture frame like a lightning bolt, they were enraptured and I got to witness it. Could it be a love untainted or were they bound for misery as well? No need to even wonder such things, the scene itself was enough as is as it dawned on me that what I was looking at wasn’t people at all but a bush a bit taller than the rest. This is “jungle tv”, plant life is alive and always willing to entertain, much like a tv set. I wanted to talk to them but it wasn’t about to happen. Or maybe it was you who talked to me. I do like the company of fellow romantics! If wishes were horses beggars could ride and if I had a dime for every delusion I’d be a wealthy man! I suppose I should get to bed, I’ll have to read your posts with my morning coffee when I can see straight (yet somehow typing has become second nature, weird).
I watched that couple for an hour straight, I wonder who it was, me, my past, you, your past, your future, your present? Strangers? A figment of my imagination? Could be any of the above, I guess that’s the beauty of it. It will just have to remain a mystery.
I hear you on your post Embargo, when I was traveling the country I would find such magnificent sceneries but would break down in tears for the exact same reason, that I had no one to share it with. When I was near the Rocky Mountains it was so nice to look at every day, but it seemed that I spent more time in the local McDonalds! Because a woman who worked there looked exactly like my ex-wife and I would sit in there and watch her work and pretend that she was my wife and that this was my home! I became such a ***** for women it was pathetic, if only I would’ve known then how many oppurtunities I still had in life. At that point my credit was still decent and I could’ve taken a student loan and done whatever I wanted to in this world. I went to a school here a couple days ago and tried to see if i could get into a certain program, a.s. in park management, but was told it would take 6 months to process my request. “Sorry lady but I don’t have six months, in case you didn’t notice the economy is folding.”
It’s to the point where I really am losing my mind, I drive an older 1991 car and it is very slow compared to these newer cars out there. People ride my ass in traffic all the time, I am so sick of being rushed from place to place, especially when people like me like to look around at the mountains and such while we drive. So yesterday at 6 am on my way to work a brand new SUV started riding my ass before I even left my block. I just slowed down to 15 mph and started laughing at them in my rearview mirror, they seemed to get upset and rode my ass even closer and were about to go into the suicide lane to get around me, at this point I started cursing at them with the window rolled down and bitched them out as they sped off around my left side and headed for the red light ahead. I pulled up next to them and bitched them out like I haven’t bitched anyone out for a long time: “YOU ************ GET OUT OF THE CAR AND TRY THAT SHIT, YOU WANT TO RIDE MY ASS ALL DAY WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR HURRY I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HURRY ABOUT JUST BECAUSE I CAN’T AFFORD A BRAND NEW CAR YOU WANT TO RUB IT IN MY FACE I WILL BEAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!!” that’s when I realized that it was a mother and son, she was likely trying to get him to school, and the kid looked so embarassed. She probably beat him later that night for “embarassing her”. I have become such a demon, I just want it all to end. People online think that they might like me but they probably wouldn’t as I am right now, maybe on a vacation and traveling I’d be likeable though.
It isn’t just me though, at least where I live it seems like everyone is pissed off in traffic on the vergo of offing each other, like the whole economic stress that we’re all being subjected to finds it’s release in traffic, the gladiator tank, I know I’m not the only one losing my mind, that’s why I love this website I can read the thoughts of others who have lost it just as much, maybe even more so, a lot of people’s posts are probably ‘final’ ones. Speaking of which, I wonder whatever happened to Entity.
More photos!!! Bam! http://community.webshots.com/photo/fullsize/2840754900071171048tjZHgO Pow! http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/39/PanamintValleyCA.jpg BAM!! http://www.terragalleria.com/photo/?id=deva1170&title=Search%2Bresults%2Bfor%2B%253Cb%253Etelescope%253C%252Fb%253E%2B%253Cb%253Epeak%253C%252Fb%253E%2B%2528Page%2B1%2Bof%2B1%2529&dt=search&new=n&images_list=%2Bdeva2184%2Bdeva1170%2Bdeva1171%2Bdeva32602%2Bdeva32601%2Bdeva32717%2Bdeva32619%2Bdeva32628%2Bdeva32624%2Bdeva32625%2Bdeva32631%2Bdeva32633%2Bdeva20004&q=telescope+peak&submit_x=0&submit_y=0 Bam! http://c0278592.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/original/32930.jpg Pume! http://c0278592.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/original/95691.jpg Kapow! http://c0278592.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/original/478024.JPG Kerplunk! http://c0278592.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/original/97290.jpg Pume pume !! Last but not least: BOOMBOOMBOOM !!! http://c0278592.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/original/355008.jpg
Hiking Telescope Peak is likely one of the best things to do in America, I can’t hardly wait. My final task before departure.
A new turn of events lately. I took a nice cruise out to Los Altos yesterday, parked, and took a nice 5-mile walk around that neighborhood. Los Altos is a neighborhood of millionaires and the vibe there is so perfect, so peaceful, the nature there is beautiful. I just felt like a nutty vet throughout the whole walk but the whole environment there was still like medicine for my soul. A car full of rich jerks drove by and yelled something at me and I just wished that they would pull that car around and try to confront me. Even if I beat their ass, I would at least have met some people out there and would probably become friends with them later, many of you probably know how that goes (boys will be boys and boys will have testosterone).
Anyways, then I came upon a catholic church that had a prayer area outside with a little statue of Mother Mary. I sat there and prayed and told God that this is my last ditch effort, there would either have to be a livable situation provided for me I will be forced to take my life. It was a good prayer, I woke up from it feeling sort of new as I saw her looking down at me with beautiful turquoise rosary beads wrapped around her. I told God my situation and now I feel better. So later that day I happened to run into my 60-year old black friend from Hegenberger Road. Even though he lives in one of the most ghetto spots in America, he is as much like a white man as I have ever met, and he is funny and gave me some hope about the whole work situation. He gave me an idea for work that I am going to try, and it might just work. I suspect that life might be better out of state for people like me, I know that there is affordable housing out there, and the jobs don’t pay much less than what I make now. The gap between rich and poor is a chasm in California, the AVERAGE house out here is something like $700,000, and that’s taking the average from mansions to trailers, while the minimum wage is $9/hour. That means that life is impossible here for many of us, worse if you are any sort of loner, whether by force or by choice. So my frustration is understandable and I must leave the state. I must go to Nevada or Texas or anywhere basically, anywhere but here. And the job idea I have just might be my realistica ticket to take me out of state. If this doesn’t work out though, I will kill myself, and it is just as simple as that.
Here is something I read recently which really made me feel better about everything, have a look:
“People reacting with horror and outrage to the tone in which this article was written do not “get†the sarcasm and irony that apparently was intended. React with all the outrage you can muster…the increase in suicide is occurring worldwide. Check the statistics for the US. Suicides are not always done quickly: many people continue smoking cigarettes when they are aware they are becoming ill or have a genetic predisposition to cancer. They either cannot or do not seek help until they know they are terminally ill. In the US, many die young of lung cancer or alcohol poisoning and rarely is suicide considered to be a factor. “Living homeless†in the US is not pleasant. Being among the working poor, who barely make rent on a room from month to month and cannot save even ten dollars per month to escape poverty or increase their chances at a better life…this is also not a pleasant existence. Living from one’s car and being subjected to harassment by police…also not a reasonable way for people to live. What I, as an American, find so compelling about the way these suicides are being done is that the people are trying to show consideration for others while taking their own lives. I suppose it is true of the Japanese that, even when in such emotional turmoil and pain that they wish to end their lives, the individuals show courtesy toward others. How very unlike the Americans. I understand and feel compassion for people who have lost their jobs, who are living in the streets or in their cars, have no one they feel will listen to and understand their pain and see no way out of their situation, except to kill themselves. This world is not an easy one to live in and it becomes colder and meaner every day. In America, it is assumed that people are homeless because they’ve done something wrong or are druggies, drunks, idiots, lazy bums. While this may be true of a small percentage of homeless people, the greater truth that is growing larger every day is that people often cannot find work, people often cannot keep making payments on homes, people with very high qualifications find themselves getting into their 50’s and, even if their skills are fantastic, they are passed over for jobs they can do and, if they are lucky, they can find some minimum wage job or get into a “retraining program†where they are paid almost enough to survive. After enduring the loss of everything, being victimized on the streets and reduced to begging for handouts, suicide can be the only light a person can see at the end of a very dark tunnel. Until you have lived this hell, do not pass judgment on those who try to find their way out of the maze of pain only to find they are considered “bad people†because they’ve fallen on hard times and, when they can sometimes find a way out, often their “benefactors†seek to plunder them and then discard them. After a few of those experiences, people — even 14 year olds — grow weary. I don’t know what was going on in this girl’s life. For all I know she got pregnant, was being abused by someone, had an undiagnosed mental illness or felt overwhelmed by the stress of being alive in her world. Please don’t ask WTF…you know WTF and, if you have a heart and half a brain, you’ll understand the situation will be getting worse before it gets better — all over the world. It’s everyone for themselves these days and the takers far outnumber those who will give. And I am not talking giving pocket change to panhandlers. I am speaking about a room with a door that locks and the ability have time to rebuild self-esteem. As the gap between the haves and have-nots widens in this country, you will have to ask “why couldn’t someone have opened their homes and their hearts to someone less fortunate?†These days, I’m seeing extremely religious people checking into motel rooms and overdosing on medications. Which, of course, leaves the motel employees or manager to deal with the shock of finding a body and cleaning up afterwards. In America, people don’t leave signs. And I’m noticing more often, they’re not leaving notes. Rest in Peace, young woman. Thank you for your courtesy.”
———Raven Chasing Cat, May 2nd, 2008
And well folks, on that note I’m afraid I’m out of here. I’ve left here a trace of who I was. Cannot put up with this feeling in my brain and soul any more. Maybe I’ll show up again with a brain even more fucked or maybe I wont. I hope I’ve helped someone on here one way or another. Motherfuck my life, every single time I’ve looked in the mirror for the last 15 years I’ve wanted to shoot the reflection and blow the mirror out, more and then much more so with every passing year. In life there is no reset button but there IS a power button! So be careful in your choices folks, because you only get one mind, one body, one brain, and one life. Peace,
Casual~D
I hope you haven’t decided on dying … -__- I just hope .
Please don’t. The people on thus site. Even tge ones I havnt met yet. Are like family to me. Ive never met someone like you who is so poetic. You being gone would hurt a lot. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I don’t want to lose a 13th person the year I am 13. Why the fuck is this suck an unlucky year? But truthfully I shouldn’t be tellin you not to do this. That would make me hypocritical. Well. More hypocritical. I hope you do come back.