So tired. very tired.

  March 5th, 2010 by LonelyGirl

Wow. This site is interesting. I felt really weird as usual looking up things today related to death and suicide. I found myself combing through this site called U can read online memorials of ppl who have died. And u can search HOW they died. So there I was reading memorial after memorial of suicidal deaths. I am 28. I see that there are many ppl on here that feel the way I do. But in real life–I find none. I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to cope with this blackness, and emptiness and darkness. And ( I do believe in God). I feel like my life is wasteless valueless nothing. I have no hobbies. No interests. I used to love art. I never do it anymore nor do I care. I didnt know I had depression (cuz I feel like everyone and their dog claims they are depressed for one reason or another and its not TRUE depression). I get it that we cant be happy all the time or even half the time but I am NEVER happy. I did just recently get a new job and moved into YET another apartment. Except this time, I am starting over from scratch and have to come home every day to an empty bare walled place and sit on my floor. I have no friends–and yeah, I know  just moved to a new city but it doesnt matter……..I have moved all my life and as I approached my adult years, making friends became harder and harder. I feel like a loner. And I like it for the most part but it gets old. I dont have friends because ultimately,  it takes too much strength. Every day, I awake to What is the purpose? It just seems like one meaningless, pointless day—the sun is out but I feel so empty and hollow. Laughing can be strenous at times. I cant quite explain myself but inside I feel like a hollow shell. Life is a bag of skittles to most…..full of colors and flavor–but my skittles persay are all dry rotted and stale. No color. Just faint hues and no sweetness. I never really talk about this but its obvious something is wrong. For years I job hop, drink too much to escape this pain, move from place to place thinking its gonna be better. And it never really is or it may even be better but my brain still processes everything in shades of grey and black. I dont know what to do anymore. Suicide is brave. I am scared of the ACT but sometimes feels like then it would be all over. The nagging emptiness. The sadness. The inability to get on with life. I feel compelled to lie when ppl ask of my interests…….I have none. VOID –I come home. and I lay down most nights on this hard floor. Drink wine. and some more. and pass out. Then feel like crap the next day—hate myself for drinking too much. Get through the workday only to repeat it —-most of the time I dont drink but of late its been intense. And now, I dont even care about drinking because guess what? The same dark empty feelings come back no matter how drunk u get. I have a cat. Thought she might help…..nope. I doubt anyone is even reading this far into my post but I am tired. so tired. so so tired. I dont care about men – dont care about money, sex…..normal things ppl care about. I just wanna turn the blinds up, and just stay in my bed or palette I should say. And up until recently, I hadnt realized that this is HOW I have been for about 1o years. Sure–there are good days. But most of the time, minor things exhaust me. I dont wanna go out. If I make plans I inevitably cancel. The lonliness I have cannot be cured by socializing. Sure it passes time and u are technically NOT ALONE but ppl are stupid and dont get me. And I am tired of trying to meet intelligent ppl—so I think about 5 yrs ago-I completely stopped. I am an attractive girl..get hit on all the time…… ppl think I am this totally different person. I try and act happy in day to day life. but even that I can barely do anymore. I am embarrassed that I have no desire left. No passion. Nothing at 28. and I dont see any on the horizons.  If another were to view my life in truth, its pathetic. I work. and sleep. I literally do nothing else. And thats the way its been for years. All the ppl my age are always zipping here, going there….not me. I am tired. too tired to care.


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