Wow. This site is interesting. I felt really weird as usual looking up things today related to death and suicide. I found myself combing through this site called gonetoosoon.org. U can read online memorials of ppl who have died. And u can search HOW they died. So there I was reading memorial after memorial of suicidal deaths. I am 28. I see that there are many ppl on here that feel the way I do. But in real life–I find none. I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to cope with this blackness, and emptiness and darkness. And ( I do believe in God). I feel like my life is wasteless valueless nothing. I have no hobbies. No interests. I used to love art. I never do it anymore nor do I care. I didnt know I had depression (cuz I feel like everyone and their dog claims they are depressed for one reason or another and its not TRUE depression). I get it that we cant be happy all the time or even half the time but I am NEVER happy. I did just recently get a new job and moved into YET another apartment. Except this time, I am starting over from scratch and have to come home every day to an empty bare walled place and sit on my floor. I have no friends–and yeah, I know just moved to a new city but it doesnt matter……..I have moved all my life and as I approached my adult years, making friends became harder and harder. I feel like a loner. And I like it for the most part but it gets old. I dont have friends because ultimately, it takes too much strength. Every day, I awake to What is the purpose? It just seems like one meaningless, pointless day—the sun is out but I feel so empty and hollow. Laughing can be strenous at times. I cant quite explain myself but inside I feel like a hollow shell. Life is a bag of skittles to most…..full of colors and flavor–but my skittles persay are all dry rotted and stale. No color. Just faint hues and no sweetness. I never really talk about this but its obvious something is wrong. For years I job hop, drink too much to escape this pain, move from place to place thinking its gonna be better. And it never really is or it may even be better but my brain still processes everything in shades of grey and black. I dont know what to do anymore. Suicide is brave. I am scared of the ACT but sometimes feels like then it would be all over. The nagging emptiness. The sadness. The inability to get on with life. I feel compelled to lie when ppl ask of my interests…….I have none. VOID –I come home. and I lay down most nights on this hard floor. Drink wine. and some more. and pass out. Then feel like crap the next day—hate myself for drinking too much. Get through the workday only to repeat it —-most of the time I dont drink but of late its been intense. And now, I dont even care about drinking because guess what? The same dark empty feelings come back no matter how drunk u get. I have a cat. Thought she might help…..nope. I doubt anyone is even reading this far into my post but I am tired. so tired. so so tired. I dont care about men –kids..vacations..i dont care about money, sex…..normal things ppl care about. I just wanna turn the blinds up, and just stay in my bed or palette I should say. And up until recently, I hadnt realized that this is HOW I have been for about 1o years. Sure–there are good days. But most of the time, minor things exhaust me. I dont wanna go out. If I make plans I inevitably cancel. The lonliness I have cannot be cured by socializing. Sure it passes time and u are technically NOT ALONE but ppl are stupid and dont get me. And I am tired of trying to meet intelligent ppl—so I think about 5 yrs ago-I completely stopped. I am an attractive girl..get hit on all the time……..so ppl think I am this totally different person. I try and act happy in day to day life. but even that I can barely do anymore. I am embarrassed that I have no desire left. No passion. Nothing at 28. and I dont see any on the horizons. If another were to view my life in truth, its pathetic. I work. and sleep. I literally do nothing else. And thats the way its been for years. All the ppl my age are always zipping here, going there….not me. I am tired. too tired to care.
LonelyGirl
18 comments
I read your entire post. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Why? Because I feel the exact same as you. I feel like I could have written this exact same entry with minor changes like the fact I’m 31/m. I’m writing this from my dark bedroom, alone at 930pm on a Friday night. I am embarrassed to say it but I’ve spent most of the night lying in bed with moments of unstoppable tears. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Why am I all alone. Why do I continue the routine of staying in shape, dressing nice, going to work.. Coming home to my empty apartment.. There’s nothing to look forward to in my life. I just wish there was someone somewhere anywhere who looked forward to seeing me or having me in their life, but nobody does. Everyone seems to be happy and busy with their partner while there’s nobody left for me. What’s the fucking point. I don’t really want to die but this is no way for one to live. I wonder sometimes if I just not meant to be happy. My nights and weekends are typically spent lying in bed, not necessarily tired, I just have no ambitions, desires, or hobbies at all. Maybe I will eventually just die of boredom. I don’t want to bring you down or dump my shit on you. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I guess that means I’m not alone either but I still feel like shit and empty inside. Maybe I’m weird but you sound interesting to me. Wish I could offer advice but I’m in desperate need of some myself.
Wow. I am suprised anyone read my long pathetic post. Thank you though—-well its late sat nite and here I am….I slept until 3 pm—-unreal. And I had gone to sleep say 11 pm. I
just saw no reason to get up early–to do what? There is nothing to do. Yes, we do seem sadly similar-I get up everyday Mon-Fri—put my make up on, come to work..try and smile and laugh just to dread the thought of coming home again to the emptiness….well the emptiness was there all day but I could keep distracted with work. I dont know what the point is. I do believe in God but have a hard time facing this life which tells me, maybe there is something wrong with ppl like us. Like, maybe we were just born this way and no amount of pill etc…..will actually help. I def feel for you. And yes though we know others out there are facing this stuff….sometimes even that still doesnt help. I dont know if there is anyone for me. There might be. I dont know. I dont look. If I look and get excited again–it will end in disappointment. Primarily because no human being can make us happy and we still end up with well ourselves………I dont know what the answer is. I was told to get up tomorrow with bells and whistles and go to the planetarium………I was like why? It will end I will just have to come home again and start the miserable work week and all it ensues all over…btw, I am thankful to have a job believe me. It just seems like nothing is ever truly right to me in my brain. I dont know. Thanks to everyone who replied. It meant alot……..especially since we are all anonymous and dont have a clue of who each other is. Thank God ppl wont be able to read this and know who it is…..
I’m 18 and never had a girlfriend. I can say i don’t feel exactly like you do, but I have already thought of going through with ending it all because being alone is to painful to me. Not being able to talk to anyone or go anywhere and your room becomes a prison, it sucks. Oh and by the way, you should find a hobby to keep your self from going insane rofl.
lonelygirl,
please do not despair. that is when you lose… when you give up hope. you believe in God? that is very, very nice to hear. even after all of this, you don’t shun Him or anything like that, and i am just glad to hear that.
i’m not the most brilliant person on earth or too amazing at understanding anything, but yes, the world is full of stupid people, and i’ve managed to realize that, yes, the world is a lonely place.
there is a wonderful, wonderful book that i would very much like you to read. it is very short and good for anyone on earth to read, especially adults, though it is written like a children’s book. it can maybe change your life, really. it would be helpful, and it would at least give you something to do. it’s called The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
please take care. talk to me if you’re open to it…i’d be happy to do everything i can for you. my contact info is at skull09.net
Thank u K3T, I will check the book out though I am up to my ears with self help books…so I dont bother with those anymore. Maybe this read would be a nice distraction.
I love that book – The Little Prince..
I liked your post, ’cause it is well written.
Was on the verge of suicide 2 years ago. Then this amazing girl hit on me and became my girlfriend out of the blue. She was so good to everyone, a really good person, great listener, beautiful, etc. She gave me back my will to live, that hope I had lost and thought I would never regain. I loved her, but didn’t feel like I loved her enough, so last summer, I broke up with her. And now I am back where I started.
I find it hard to value myself, I need others to do it. Like, when I read your posts, I think you sound interesting and nice, like someone I’d like to meet. But my opinion of myself is entirely negative. I wonder if we all feel that way?
I am thankful u didnt commit suicide. My problem isnt really not having anyone. Its the fact that though I might find someone again, I still feel the same darkness and emptiness. And honestly, how many ppl wanna date someone like me? Or us. I dont know. They dont understand. They say Snap out of it. But This isnt something u can snap out of like those dumb depression commercials. If this was true, I woulda snapped out of this like a million years ago when it started………….And I think we all think negatively about ourselves to some degree……..for us, its just more so and overrides the positive we might see.
LonelyGirl – I just now noticed that you commented on my posting from a few days ago. I do enjoy my alone time but I get too much of it these days.. We have similar stories and both seem to be lonely. If you’d like to converse directly, I encourage you to email me at erik76 [ a t ] live.com
er shoot, erikc76 [ at ] live.com
Oh I still don’t know what my issue is. And I don’t want to rely on a pill to “fix me”.. I honestly don’t even think anything is “wrong” with me. I just feel like I don’t have a place in the world. Not to mention lately it seems whenever I take a chance at something beyond my daily routine, I promptly get my ass handed to me. So it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to bother trying anymore.. then after months of no trying, I finally go for something, and I’m now getting over the deepest pain I’ve had in a long time.
I try to envision my perfect life, and I can’t. I just want to be happy. Everyone seems to have a dream of a certain occupation. I don’t want any occupation. I just want to be. My dream is to be free and to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I don’t want a daily routine, I don’t want a commitment. I want to be able to enjoy life as we were meant to. Just enjoy living.. And I’m not talking from a cubicle or the beach on my few days of vacation.
I believe in God too but I am anti-religion and keep my views personal.
Speaking of other people’s suggestions, my parents say things like “join a group” .. take a class.. no! I have tried this, trust me, time and time again, I’m surrounded by people I CANNOT TOLERATE. I don’t know where I go to find people like me.. Maybe I need to discover myself?
I met a girl on a plane recently and she just got back from traveling the world, especially to the small strange countries. That sounds AMAZING to me.. Maybe I should do that since it sounds so exciting.
“I don’t know where I go to find people like me.”
The only place I’ve found us is here.
Good point chiaroscuro. I actually had this thought while reading other entries.. 🙁
lonelygirl,
The Little Prince is not a self-help book, just so you know. i actually suggest Not using a self-help book. there are enough self help books to fill your room up to your ears, because all the world knows how sad the world is, and all the world knows how to fake happiness, so they write books about how, and you know what? they can make money off of this! wow what a great idea, and you buy them. not just 1 of them, not 2, but so many & you don’t even have to read them for them to make any money. don’t buy anything. happiness will not come through something you have to buy. counselors are the same things are self-help books, the same wastes the same big scams to make money. don’t pay for them.
i wish you would talk to me. i really can help you. my contact info is at skull09.net – just reminding you again
take care
Embargo—-I agree. I was on Facebook and saw an old HS friends posts and pics and it put a knot in my stomach. Why? Because there she has traveled the world since HS and is now doing wonderful in New York City. Yes I have seen alot in this country and have traveled some, I felt a knot of WHY CAN’T MY LIFE APPEAR AS FUN AND EXCITING AS THESE PPL? I had to log off as it was making me feel horrible about where I am at the same age…..doing OK but could have done SO MUCH MORE during the past few years. And I to so understand simply wanting FREEDOM. I dont have an IDEAL career or job, there are prob many that would suit me. I stopped college. Now I am entertaining going back? I dont know. I am so frustrated. I actually did get up and move around today and felt a bit better. I just dont know what any answer is anymore. Mom has told me for years that I need to develop interests and hobbies….but its like where do u begin? I always compare the things I might like to what is socially cool and so called NEAT. So I enjoy real simple things to be honest….but how does enjoying taking a walk in the park compare to JAne Doe who goes mountain climbing and sky diving? get my drift. I dont know. Its another work week. Wish us all the best.
k3t–and i could def talk to you as u seem very intelligent. Man are you right about this stuff. Though I am interested in psychology I think the human brain and emotions are simply to complex to really encapsulate. I finally went to a counselor….I guess it made me feel better but in the end, proved not much worth than the millions of self help books! Its all a scam. I do understand this but I am fearful of taking a completely generalized negative viewpoint to any form of psychological/spiritual help —this would make things seem even more so hopeless. We are spiritual beings. Maybe the monks really had something we don’t as consumer driven ignorant Americans? your thought?
LonelyGirl – it’s funny we are very similar, although I’ll admit I’ve heard people who are more interested in extreme activities (mountain climbing, sky diving) are more likely to be depressed.
I’m completely into these activities too.. Within the past year I have done rock climbing, skydiving, and flown a plane.. I know for a fact I need to get involved in risky activities to get my adrenaline pumping.. Otherwise I’m often bored.. This realization might be the single biggest wakeup call I’ve had in awhile.
Not to mention how I get depressed sometimes and want to end it.. Why not just partake in high risk activities, and if I happen to go I go having fun LOL….
Embargo—I agree. High risk activities have never really been an interest of mine but more power to u. U know the oddest thing happened today–there is someone at work who is 45 yrs old. He is nice…chilvalrous…yada yada..well he liked me. But the age difference and well being someone from work made me really never give it a second thought over past 4 weeks. So today, I find he has a new girlfriend and thinks he is love (I dont work with him often and dont see him alot so this was news to me). Anyways, I got a knot in my stomach when I was told this by another person. i was suprised at my own reaction since he is an old guy but now at the thought that he was met someone new, I felt instantly down. My point in this was, it then bothered me off and on and still does cuz I guess in the back of my mind, I did sorta like this older guy. and now, well–he is taken. Its so weird—–how was was your weekend by the way? Another weekend in bed? What did u do? I though havent done much at all as I am trying to rediscover if I have any interests at all remaining. Do u squelch the pain with booze? Do u sometimes feel so isolated when it comes time to leave work and u know that u are coming home to nothingness and no life? I dont know if u have friends but I dont right now at all. And as I prefaced before, I am OK with it for the most part but feel so weird that I am more comfortable alone than with big groups of ppl talking about stupid things of no importance. send me an email sometime if u’d like sunshine_kendrea@yahoo.com
I find the weekend the saddest. PPL are discussing their plans and I am silent thinking—well I guess I will sleep in until 3 pm again and have a bad headache from too much sleeping……
craziness