My previous post can be found here: http://suicideproject.org/2010/03/i-have-scheduled-my-death/
I am currently in the process of creating a seminar presentation with another girl for one of my modules at University, and I am writing this post for two reasons. Firstly, because it might interest you and secondly, today this girl sent me an email message containing the words, â€˜Thank God youâ€™re so organisedâ€™.
Thus, today I am not going to talk specifically about suicide but about just what it means to be so organised and how this matters on a day-to-day basis. This post is entitled â€˜Stuffâ€™ because the main body of my post comes from a project my psychiatrist gave me to do. She essentially told me to create a â€˜feelingâ€™s diaryâ€™ (sigh), although for what purpose I have yet to discover. We named it â€˜Stuffâ€™ so as to distinguish it from my usual day routine. Upon her giving me Stuff to do, I requested that she give me specific instructions as it is difficult for me to operate without them. And so she gave me one sheet of A4 paper and told me to continue writing for the week, or to stop when the paper runs out: whichever came sooner. Â I in turn told her that my writing might be ridiculously tiny (hence why there is so much text below which covered only two sides of A4) but that despite this, I might only reach Wednesday if I have a lot to write. In actual fact, I ran out of paper today- another reason for my post- so I feel Iâ€™ve done quite well there… but I digress. She told me it was fine, and so I have taken her word on that.
Other instructions included not being allowed to write times as headings and also to write whenever feelings â€˜changeâ€™ (although this wasnâ€™t dogmatic). I initially had doubts about it- fears, even because it would be hard to push into my day-schedule and the text you see below is the result of this little Stuff experiment. Youâ€™ll notice that as it goes on, the sentences become shorter and it becomes much more â€˜stream-of-consciousnessâ€™ which is, I suppose, what she was after. I do wonder how many others of you have been asked to do this, and whether or not it provided you with any answers.
But yes, anyway: to â€˜Stuffâ€™. I have written it exactly as it appears on my sheet of A4 paper, right down to the mistakes and punctuation.
– I woke up this morning incredibly tired and aware of having a day to complete before another day comes. I havenâ€™t started the day-list yet and already I feel tired from the monotony. I would very much like to be somewhere else.
– Am completing tasks off the list, but do not particularly want to leave the house. Still very tired.
– At University: do not feel as unhappy- am distracted from thoughts generally. But still tired: hard to concentrate.
– Oh! And Iâ€™ve just had a hypo in the middle of my seminar. Brilliant. At least I get to go and buy some Starburst…
– I am very far ahead of everyone else in my computer class- tiredness really hits (although probably on account of the hypo) and I have reached saturation point. Why am I even bothering to put effort into this work? No-one else does.
– Feeling trepidation about the evening because I know it will be long. Therefore, is no room for emotion at the moment.
– Writing tomorrowâ€™s list- itâ€™s ridiculously long. I shall likely have to â€˜drag inâ€™ tonight (such a useful term) but am aware I will consequently be awake for hours. Feel particularly distressed and unhappy, but I have an assignment to continue which I shall do now, despite my body shaking and head feeling dulled.
– Probably unrelated, but frustration at how long my assignment is. Iâ€™ve ran out of words and still have a section to do tomorrow!
– Have removed words. Feel slightly more relaxed. I will do more of the assignment, as scheduled, tomorrow.
– Now feeling need to â€˜drag inâ€™. Itâ€™s currently 01:00 (technically Tuesday morning, but I am still on todayâ€™s list so I shall class it as Monday). I am aware that I have to be up in 5 and a half hours time and should hurry up.
– Glad todayâ€™s assignment section is done.
– Todayâ€™s list hasnâ€™t ended yet- and I know it will take another 2 or-so hours for me to do- and then I need to drag-in tomorrow because tomorrow is huge. Why am I even doing this? I want to go to sleep, but it is looking unlikely- so pointless and frustrating.
– I feel sad. Still doing my list- 03:11 Tuesday morning. Am up in 3 and a bit hourâ€™s time.
– Cut self. Canâ€™t really explain why- I just donâ€™t feel â€˜completeâ€™ without it.
– Todayâ€™s list ends, tomorrowâ€™s list begins. 03:47 am.
– Ironing at 4 in the morning. Pretty sure Iâ€™ve gone mad.
– Feeling thoroughly distressed. Constant writing and re-writing of lists. Have not yet slept. Wish someone would tell me to stop.
– It is now 06:44 and I should have stopped the list and re-made the new one 14 minutes ago, but I have only just finished it and it is still just as long. I am questioning my motives for staying awake for all this time, but only in an abstract way. I am finding it difficult to concentrate. I need to go and have some breakfast now.
– Just got home from University. So, so tired. Canâ€™t stop crying. I really want to go to Adam*â€™s house right now but I still have a list of stuff to do- and stuff that takes time. Dragging in last night for all of those hours has given me no respite today. I canâ€™t do this for much longer. I really canâ€™t stop crying and itâ€™s pathetic.
– I am at Adamâ€™s in the evening. Cannot feel â€˜straightâ€™ until I have a shower.
– Do feel more relaxed but feel desperate not to make him worry. Cannot help talk about suicide, however. Feel sad because he doesnâ€™t know what to say to me anymore.
– Go to sleep after 40 hours of being awake.
– Virtually sleep all day as Adam is at work. When I wake up, I cannot stand the thought of going back to Derby** because I have my list to complete.
– Have just finished my assignment that I have been planning, or otherwise writing for the last two weeks. Iâ€™m not sure if I am supposed to feel proud or happy or anything like that- really, I have little time to feel any relief or celebrate by having… oh, I donâ€™t know, cake or… something because I still have items on my list and I shall likely be trying to complete tomorrowâ€™s tasks this evening also. Hence, having to stop writing now.
– Have just finished todayâ€™s list; about to start tomorrowâ€™s. I do not feel too bad at the moment.
– I took two Quetiapine tablets about an hour ago and am currently a few items into tomorrowâ€™s list- I feel SO tired but do not necessarily want to go to sleep as I still have a list to complete and re-write. Instead, all I can think is that I wish I was happy.
– Tired- whenever I move my eyes, I get instantaneous flashes of white light in them.
– Worried about effect Q. might have on my thought process.
– Canâ€™t sleep, eat crisps.
– ASDA shopping came and they hadnâ€™t bought something round. Had to call up and get a refund. This now means that as I am doing no more shopping before the end of term, because of my food schedule, I now have nothing to eat Sunday tea-time.
– Feel restless and uncomfortable. Want to be elsewhere. Simply cannot make my body relax.
– Decided not to have lunch today- canâ€™t exactly work out why. Food is generally a contentious issue anyway.
– Have completely lost the motivation to move.
*Name of boyfriend changed to prevent people I know searching through these archives
** Name of city changed also, for the same reason as above.
And so thatâ€™s where it ends because I ran out of paper. Reading it back makes me feel a little sick; itâ€™s so over-dramatic, but this is coming from my current, and somewhat more relaxed, state of mind.
I can conclude myself from my writing that it is clearly the location that I am in which depresses me, and what depresses me the most is the re-writing of lists. Simply, I can say that I do not currently want to lead the life I do. One solution to this, which I have uselessly been offered, would be dropping out of University but that would mean that the past year and a half of my life has been a complete waste of time. My difficulty in living now would have no reason, and thus, what reason would there be in my living? Clearly, I need a new direction in life (come on you llamas) but am currently hindered by my need to organise and my 40-hour-days should demonstrate that over time, it is never getting better.
Just as a final point, I have also kept all the day-lists from this period for my psychiatrist to have a look at. There are 10 lists spread over the â€˜Stuffâ€™ period of 4 days. Ridiculous.