I thought this site would help me change my mind. i planned on doing “it” next monday.
My name is Larry and suicidal thoughts began when i was 16 ( im 18 now)
My dad left my mom since as long as i could remember.
me an my mom been through alot of hard times, like sleeping in cars, at aunts house, and moving from place to place.
but one thing about her tho, she would go to the ends of the earth for my happiness
when i was 16 we actually got a pretty decent 2 story house
that was probably the happiest ive ever been
i had a girl friend and a car
then one day everything changed.
my mom got fired.
and within a three month period we lost everything.
my car and her car, the house, my gf, my computer, cell phone, furniture.. etc
we had to move into a trailer
about a week after that i got a job at a grocery store
and another week after that i told my mom how i felt
everything from not believing in god anymore to killing myself
she was devastated and didnt know wat to do
she tried using words of encouragement to help
they didnt. words cant help me
i became enlightened of this horrible world we live in
my mind grew and learned of all the terrible corruption in this world
this is when i developed “The Monster” (hence the name of the title)
its some sort of an alter ego, almost like schizophrenia
The Monster cares about nothing including it self or me
The Monster has no emotions
The Monster has no sympathy for any living thing or person
The Monster regrets nothing
The Monster told its mom ” if u got hit by a bus and became a quadriplegic, went deaf blind and mute i wouldnt care”
I hate it… i hate it so much
i wrote ten poems about it, but stopped helping me so i stopped writing them
i saved up to get another car
Then I recently moved out of my moms house into an apartment with a roommate
i thought it was the right thing to do, because i felt like my mom was burdening me
i got a job at a warehouse, making decent money to support myself
everything was actually going pretty good, until my car slid and rear-ended another car
i dont have insurance to fix my car
i didnt have time to save up any money
the only reason i was waiting until monday is because im going to see my favorite band in concert on sunday.
My mind is always thinking about how corrupted humanity is
i tell people that im embarrassed to be a human
i only have 2 good friends
The Monster is constantly taunting me to “open peoples eyes”
im afraid of The Monster, because it might hurt someone. it has before
I’ve cut myself
I feel alone in this world.
i just found the girl im talking to doesnt like me
I wish i was “ignorant” again
6 comments
hey im here if you wanna talk to anyone that understands cause i understand trust me…so i betta hear from you! 🙂
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
Larry,
Even all in a sudden you get loads of money, a new car, and a girlfriend, your relationship won’t last long and be happy.
Your root of emotion lies deep down with your mother. The day you can’t fix this relationship, you won’t be happy.
The monster is a reflection of a mix of the authority, dominant, manly figure. An onlooker to judge.
Your quality of life was shattered the time your mother lost her job, and the scapegoat was your mother.
The thought of independance as a grown up seems contradictory to the life with your mother could bring.
But you know deep down that you love her, however she couldn’t provide you any more of the luxury.
Hate started. Angry is sometimes right, if it can lead you to your destination of solutions, or better prospect.
But if not, and just a cul-de-sac, and you end up here.
Turn your anger and the monster into strength, to the right direction.
The best solution is to try talking to your mother. She may not be able to solve your problems, but sharing is the main point. Both pain and love.
Evading just make both parties sad. Pull it through together.
Don’t think that you are one another’s burden.
You and your mother together lived through hardship before, only that now you refuse to smile anymore.
Your mother had been your source of power, connect it back, you really need that link of love.
The bond can only make you stronger.
Don’t mix up “getting help” and “getting love”. They could be 2 entirely different approaches.
Where you fall down, you climb up.
If no car, then bus, by the way, people to meet.
Girls ?- she doesn’t want my piece, fine, just don’t connect. Next !
Dear friend.
I sympathize with you and I regard you as a nice chap, whose feelings are completely understandible. I am proud of you. And, at least your mom loved you, which is something pretty unusual to read in this web.
I think everybody has had a smile when reading what you wrote “the only reason why I have postponed suicide till monday is because I have to go to a live concert of my favorite band”. I would tap you with a smile on the shoulder.
Yes, I agree with you about what mankind is. Most of it, really rubbish. The evil of the Establishments goes beyond imagination. However, there are some people here and there, much worse off than you, orphan children, devastated children without a future, children that you can help and should help. Do concentrate on those, and put aside from your mind and your care about the bastards of the Establishment.
Be more sensible when doing what you have to do. Driving without an insurance could have cost you your life. If you have caused damage to the other driver, (or worse) you might have had to pay half a million dollars in compensation. You would have gone to jail and you would have had to pay the money for the rest of your life.
That is, put away that thought because you are intelligent enough and fine enough to work on positive things. Help yourself AND help others. Dont bring the excuse that the world is rubbish. It is! but must help other people, like i said, worse off.
greetings
Guys i dont think i hate my mother, even tho she thinks i hate her..
but wat i tried to explain to her is that i dont hate her
she just “opened my eyes” to this world and showed me how things could be fine one day, and completely flip the next.
and some people tell me “larry its not your fault”
yes i know its not my fault, that makes it 10x worse
it shows me that even tho i dont have control over something it can still fuck up in the end.
Back to the mom thing
i have noticed that i do have aggression towards her, whenever she tries to talk to me i get a little mad
when i got in the wreck she kept asking me questions and it mad me freak out a little.
so i told her “STOP FUCKING QUESTIONING ME!”
About other people having it worse than me
yes i know other people have it worse than me
it makes me feel more shitty knowing that they can be happy and i cant
“About other people having it worse than me
yes i know other people have it worse than me
it makes me feel more shitty knowing that they can be happy and i cant”
…………..
….I couldnt have said that better myself.
maybe we should talk . my aim is jessins94 .
dont worry , i understand you completely . sometimes i wish i could disassociate from this reality