When I was in high school I was popular, I was the capt. of the basketball team, i was in the national honor society, didnt smoke pot or do any drugs, i was a saint in everyones eyes and i was on top of the world. Then, i met a girl who i feel in love with. i was a senior at the time. I would do anything for her just to see her smile, her friends liked me and everything. I had problems though, I was very paranoid about lossing her, never believed she loved me or in that case i could be loved. I knew everyone liked me but i still felt lonely inside. I kept hoping things would get worse me and her would be together and thats all that matters. Things happened, I dont know exactly why it happened, we stopped talking, she moved on but i didnt. I still loved her. Then after a while, i got tired of that pain you see when the person you love is with another person, i broke down when i saw her picture and then i finally realized it was all my fault and i was pushing her away because i have a fear of abandonment. I decided that life wasnt worth living anymore. Then i wrote a letter about how much i hate everything and no one loves me and all this stuff. Then i took a couple xanax and a pill to stop me from throwing up and after a while my wrist got very familiar with a razor blade. Xanax saved my life, i passed out before i could cut deep enough to hit a vein even though alot of damage was already done, I woke up, dizzy from the xanax called my mom and realized that i wanted to live. Went to the hospital, they sent me to get help, i got help and was on a pink cloud. that was in october. After a while the lonely feelings are back, ive seen 4 therapists and nothing helps. I’m STILL not over that girl, all this time ive been running from everything. Im scared of what people will say when they see the scars on my arms. I havent told that girl what i did and she was the cause of it cuz i dont want her to feel sorry for me. I currently like this other girl who can make me smile but i dont think she is serious about anything. Right now im not happy, but im not sad. I feel this blank emptiness inside. The funny thing is that i can help everyone else solve their problems, im very good at that, but i cant solve my own.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
Sorry man. Hope you find something good.
Hi Kid. I’m sorry you had your heart ripped out and stomped on. Loss is so bitter and sharp and deep and pervasive.
It sounds like depression is something that is relatively new for you and, if that is true, I want to offer whatever encouragement I can. There is nothing I can write here that can take away your profound pain, but maybe I can say something that will help in other ways.
First, please keep searching for the right therapist until you find her or him. You have seen four…see a hundred and four if that’s what it takes to find the right one. It isn’t uncommon at all to see several before you find the right fit. Don’t give up yet…a good, supportive, therapist with whom you ‘click’ is vital!!
Second, research medication options and make an informed decision. (They are often contra-indicated for teens, so talk with your healthcare provider as much as you need.) Antidepressants aren’t a panacea…they don’t take away all the depression…but they can take off the ‘edge’…they make the pain tolerable while you do the real work in and after therapy.
Third, it sounds like you have a two-fold problem: horrific grief from the loss of your gf and the underlying issue that you now look back and see. I don’t know if there’s a name for it, but you describe it as feeling overly jealous or perhaps insecure or unworthy of such a gf. Medication alone won’t get you through these issues…please find a good therapist.
And finally, please know that it is much too early to give up! There is tremendous hope that you will come out of this…and in a tolerable amount of time…and be more self-aware and better off for what you worked through.
It sucks like heck right now. I respect that…more than you know, I don’t want to do anything to discount the intensity of your grief and pain and emptiness…it is real and profound…period! Please hold on, though, and please, please, please find a good therapist, invest in therapy by being honest and being open to the process, and research medication options.
I’m glad you posted!
It seems like that your ex-girlfriend and your relationship was like a canvas versus painter.
The working piece was doomed to be finished one day.
She was like a canvas, passively expecting the famous painter to work on.
But didn’t expect to be asked to have to paint too in order to contribute her part.
It just violated her wish and character. So she drifted off.
And the painter paints no more, and refusing other canvas’ offering, because he himself at times wants to be a canvas too.
Once you are uncertain of your leading role, it’s hard to expect the other to follow your footsteps.
Limiting others like limiting yourself by covering your eyes, deceiving yourself not looking further to what you really want and what others may desire, problems soon emerged.
If you are happy with what you are, it’s alright for you to settle for less. But you aren’t.
So, go find where the painters locate, go for your actual dream.
Your situation now just limits you to be picked.
If you want to have a say, you have to expand your circle elsewhere !
Even if you have the playing chips in hand, you spare not using it, it’s still useless.
Ask yourself whether you are agonized over not having your ex or not having a comprehensive partner.
If it is the latter, you’ll soon recover. Because you are just obsessed by things you haven’t met yet.
Caring too much or messing up is always obscure to most !
We only keep on learning along our path, not to turn circles in the desert.
Sometimes when people leave there is something better for us and perhaps them too, it is not okay to judge who is the better person. There are people who are more well-suited than others for us and for them. There are many people on this planet go out and say hello to some of them. Perhaps you will move on with someone who you will see is a much better choice for you and for them.
I have been alone and unmarried for over 30 years, it is partly my fault for not trying to put myself out there. Plus, I am not taking care of myself, and that is making it a lot worse. Good luck. . . do get out.