Ups and downs

  March 3rd, 2010 by Matski

I’m almost put off posting on this site by reading some of the terrible tales of woe some people have gone thru, and then put off seeing how pathetic some others sound. I’m not making a cry for help just venting how I currently feel.

I like my carrer even tho I seem to be in a loop trying to climb a little further up the ladder. I’m a teacher so when I’m working I have to be as enthusiastic as possible which is probably the only thing that stops me from doing anything I know i’d probably regret, but when i feel at my most low suicide still seems so appealing.

When I was 16 I started smoking weed casually, then started doing it in my room then before I realised doing it everyday, then doing it when I woke up and when i left school doing it before i went to work (messed up to do it when teaching kids, not a proud period). I got into a routine of spending most nights at home with a couple of mates getting stoned and playing video games. When I tryed to stop smoking it in my room those couple of mates stoped coming round to chill out so i decided to stop hanging around with them.

It was after a week of being sat alone I realised that i’d fucked off evryone who didn’t waste thier life like sitting at home smoking weed and was left alone. For about two months I was stuck in a cycle of getting thru work hours just to go back home sit and get stoned alone.
Before I ever touched a cigarette or spliff i was a confident friendly person mad about drama and performing for a crowd and i’d brought on myself lonelyness and deppression trying to be more popular doing drugs.

A few weeks ago i got 4 weeks skiing instructing work and iwas away from drugs, solitude and my routine and I was so happy. I got back to the social, friendly person i was, made a ton of friends and finally stopped feeling depressed.

Although it had to come end. Back in the U.k for two weeks, made it two days without weed only to find myself with so little to do I couldn’t stop myself smoking it again. Although I don’t do it everyday, not even once a night. I thought that it was the reason for my depression but now i’ve practically stopped and find myself depressed still. Ergo it must be my shit life making me feel this way not the drugs.

I gave my best effort to get out of this black hole and fell straight back in.

I rekindled some of my lost friendships only to found myself left out of nights out coz i just don’t mean anything to them anymore. I get told by my girl friends i’m attractive but any girl i’ve had the courage to approach have turned me down.

I’m going to see my Gp to sort out some counsilling coz i’ve gotten out of this slump before so ihope i can do it again before go slam my car into a wall at 90mph.

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