I feel … empty. I thought for awhile that I may never feel anything again, but to my dismay, the pain has returned.
I thought that I had friends, but still I am alone. Apparently I’m not the actor I had imagined. What a fake I am. I thought I could please everyone, but maintaining the illusions that are my outer shell has become tiresome, and more than I can manage.
I’ve been close to death before, but there was always a shred of hope that remained. I thought that one day I would learn to kill that hope, so I could leave this place, but in my end, I realize that the hope killed itself.
I wanted happiness, just not in an ordinary way. I’ve spent too many days thinking that there would always be tomorrow to begin my journey towards my goals.
Now, my failures mounting, accumulating, and obvious, I find myself running from the awful truth that is my life: I am completely ordinary.
There is nothing exotic about my life, nothing spectacular. I am just one of many ones.
I thought I was in control, but life it seems, controls me. I attempt to make decisions, but find that they are made for me. The more I struggle, the faster I sink.
I have no more desire to do anything.
I feel violent. I feel dangerous.
I want to destroy something.
7 comments
I feel like you litterally exactly the same, except for wanting to be dangerous or destroy something. Once someone wrote that “life is whatever comes in the way of your plans”. We are not in control of our lives, nor do life usually has full control of us. It is a % of each, and that varies with every individual. By definition life is unfair, even at the time you were conceived, before being born. Depending on the kind of parents and environment awaiting you, your chances in life are going to be very variable compared to others. Not to mention the random crossing and exchange of genes. Some are born Olympic athletes, others are born disabled. I have a friend who was born millionaire. He has lovely parents, and he has become a lovely person himself too. He doesnt have a worry in the world, and dedicates his time to getting degrees and PhDs and alternating with the most beautiful women. He chooses the job he wants just for fun and quits if he doesnt like it.
But what I seem to detect in you is a desire of achieving something out of ordinary. Seek your talent. Whether it is painting, being a comedian or a depressian, a writer. I have discovered that the more ruinous my life becomes, the better I write, and I am on my third book so far.
Yours pretty much sounds like the middle age crisis, if you are in your 40s. This is the time when one starts to realise about the wrong choices made, the opportunities lost and the impossibility of making it up. This is when one has impulses of dying his hair to make the white hair disappear, joins a gym to try to reshape the decading body and if these attempts fail, then comes the frustration striking down.
Well, I know personnally one completely ugly, skinny and old man of 62 who managed to take to bed an 18 year old beautiful girl not by force of course, but by just being funny. Shit, if he made it, I should also! Dont lose hope! If that old bag made it, we cannot fail. There is no choice but struggling every minute to get what you want. Take a walk on the street. See some bums around (female of course) and you will find there the reason why you should never quit. In my case, that is my main motivation.
Thanks for the reply. I am new here.
I’m about to be 26. For 14 years my life has been nothing but music. Everyday I make time to pick up my instrument. I don’t feel creative anymore. My inability to produce frustrates me. My anger towards myself, and hatred of the world around me consumes me.
I have a girlfriend, she just got pregnant. I can feel the walls closing in.
People say congratulations, but it’s like a slap in the face.
I was intent on completing my self destruction and now this. I am self-centered and lack compassion. I feel incapable of love. I hate myself. I can’t stand to look at me.
I never wanted responsibility for anyone, or anything.
I thought that I was going to be something.
well young man, if you are 26, that is positive, because although I fully know that there is no way that you can introduce inside you what I am saying, the important thing is that what I say is true. At the age of 26, and if you are “even just ordinary”, you can make transformations in your life, simply you can because you have the time for that. I dont.
I hope and wish that the relationship with your girlfriend is good, so that you two stay together. If so, start with getting an ordinary job, enough to pay your way. If you are in America that is easier than in Europe.
As per the music, park it aside. The creativity is a talent that is in you but for it to come out, it is necessary the right mood. If you are feeling pretty bad now, it is impossible that you start playing your instruments in a creative way, impossible.
I dont know why I am coming up with this weird idea but there is one country in the world unique, everybody who goes there, gets a job, wonderful living conditions, particulary for young couples. Iceland. Yes, crazy if you want, but you would be surprised. I think the reason is because you told me you have a baby coming up and a girlfriend. That country welcomes young people and unemployment is equal to zero.
If you are not thinking about going out, then try to organise your life now in a disciplined way. Get the job and sign up for some education, online or manual staff. So that you can get a qualifed job. In USA is easier, houses are cheap, etc.
So, it doesnt look so bad to me. You two healthy and young. You are capable of anything. At 26, any man in his 40s would give anything to be 26. Anything. Anything
Stephen,
Enjoy your music, but don’t force it. Put the instrument away and load up the mp3 player. Find a nice quite spot at a park and put on dark sunglasses and just listen to the music. You are 26 and have a long way to go in life, if you choose.
This is not a ‘pep-talk’ message, this is a center yourself first idea. Go back to the things that made you happy. Find one thing in the last few years that made you smile and work back to that.
I like you have thoughts and feel like I will never be happy, something that has been going on for many of my 43 years. I thought that a new job would bring happyness, it didn’t change my mood, I thought starting a ‘dream’ business would, nope, not at all. Meds – Yeh right (if I wanted to feel like a zombe), Buying things – Nope, Beer – Nope, Sports – Nope, Volunteer work – Nada. Nothing changed that I was lacking joy and wanted out, (I still do). But the only thing that I keep coming back to is that I will cause more unhappyness with my ‘checking out’ than Iwill endure if I stay.
Now, keep in mind that many of the notes posted here are a form of ‘self therapy’ (I will tell you that mine did not start out that way, but is as of now in the writing) so do what you feel you must.
You have my best.
Stephen,
What you have sounds beautiful… at least to me.
Can you embrace your GF, take a break from music, and try a different avenue?
I know how it feels to have each breath burn my lungs with the agony of knowing I am still alive. I know how it feels to realize that I am just another grain of sand on the beach, with nothing to set me above another. I know the aching disappointment that plagues me each night as I realize that ‘tomorrow’ has yet to come. I know best the phrase ‘utterly alone.’ And yet, I know how to shoulder the pain and keep walking; if not for me, then for those I know love me even when they don’t show it. Â I know this because I tried ‘it’ and was in intensive care for a week, and then in a ward for three more. I learned then how much I was loved and since then have been trying to keep breathing. I’m sure there are those who care for you but might not know how to show it. Be true to yourself and remember to breathe.Â
You are not self-centered – you are confused. You’re emotions are telling you you are not needed – or, worse – a burden. It’s okay to hate yourself – for now. Take some time now and again to let your emotions out and come to terms with them. Learn to love little things about yourself and you will eventually like yourself. Love your music but don’t pressure yourself. It’s okay to fail. Do you have any idea how many failures Thomas Edison had before he finally invented the light bulb. If your music isn’t working for you right now, take a break, you deserve it. Then you can pick it up again when you’ve sorted out how you feel and what you want. Try to be there for your baby more than anyone was ever there for you. It is ok to cry.